Time does not heal all wounds

Now that a few days has passed (or is past) I feel angry about this whole prolpase issue.  Not only have I been in pain since the exam and more so since I went for a short run, but I feel like perhaps I could have prevented the whole thing.

Many times over my pregnancy I told the midwife I was severely constipated--which is one of the main ways to develop this type of prolapse.  I wonder if she would have been more aggressive in her treatment if I would have done anything different?  I also complained about pelvic pressure--something I am sure she hears about with each and every pregnancy--but, this felt different.  Could I have been more clear perhaps...

I am sure that anyone who is diagnosed with something that impairs their life goes through these same feelings.  I know that I am not alone in feeling angry.

I also feel guilty.  Guilty for not being more diligent about my wheat intolerance--the main cause of my constipation.  If I wouldn't have been so glutinous and greedy about what I ate--perhaps I wouldn't be in this mess.

I feel guilty about not wanting to have sex--because I know it is going to hurt.  I feel horrible for not wanting sex.  I feel bad for my husband.  I feel selfish.

So, there you have it.  All my vulnerabilities out on the internet.  I don't even feel better.

my who-ha is broken

About 4 weeks ago I started feeling worse in my post-partum recovery.  That is to say that my neather region was hurting more than after I gave birth, and something just didnt feel right.  

I saw my midwife again, and she thought that perhaps I pulled a stitch.  I only had one external stitch so that seemed a plausable option.  She also recommended I take it easier than I was.  While my recovery still was up hill for a while it eventually started to get better and the pain subsided.

But my privates still didnt feel 'right'.  It didnt look right down there either.

So, I made my 6 week follow up appointment with an idea of what my diagnosis was.  I, of course, had consulted Dr. Google for medical advice.  And was able to give myself a surprisingly accurate diagnosis.

The Gynecologist said that some of the pain I was having was caused by abrasions from the delivery.  She said it could be painful for a while.  But, sheesh, really?  7 weeks tomorrow is a long while to still feel so tender.  I can not fathom the idea of sex.  

The more pressing problem however, is that I have a stage 2 pelvic organ prolapse.  I am going to spare you the specifics.  It is embarrassing to admit and now that the diagnosis is confirmed I dont even want to talk about it.  I joked about it with everyone before it was real.  But, not that it is real--it isn't so funny.

I feel bitter in some ways about having a broken vagina.  When Elliott made his way into the world it was via Cesarean.  On a side note--my midwife attended, vaginal delivery cost more than my C-Section.  Same hospital, different insurance, 2.5 years later.  The C-section and hospital stay was $14K, and this delivery was $22K.  WTF?  The recovery from the C-Section was long, but not permanent.   I knew that I would heal and gradually day by day I did.  With the prolapse--there isn't any healing.  It can be managed, or it can get worse.  But, it doesnt go away without surgery.  The surgery is elective, and if I have any more kids vaginally--the surgery would be undone. Plus it is a 6 week recovery.    Yikes!

Most days it doesn't hurt.  Most days it is just there--annoying me.  But, today, I decided to start running again.  I haven't been losing the pregnancy weight as quickly or as easily as I did the first time around.  So, to jump start the weight loss--I thought running might help. It felt good to be moving around.  That is until after I was done.  That is when the pain and irritation began.  

My poor husband has been so patient about waiting the 6 weeks.  He wants to be sure I am recovered and pain free before we re-consummate our relationship.  But, from the feel of it...it might just be a while longer.  

I grow 'em big

Elliott weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce when he was born (10 days early).  Spencer weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces (born on his due date).  Now, I am not petite or dainty by any means, but I am not obese either.  Unless you take my current weight...the extra pregnancy pounds are coming off far slower this time around than the first time.  But, this post is about my babies not my inability to fit into a single thing in my pre-pregnacy closet.  .

My point is that I grow big babies-both inside and outside the womb.  I suspect this was a contribution from my husbands side of the family, as they grow big babies too.  Having a larger baby has many positives associated with it.  They fit into their clothes sooner, they are heartier and less fragile, and they sleep better (I think).  They are also ready to eat, and eat they do!

The downside is that they outgrow many of their age appropriate things far too soon.  For example, Spencer at 6 weeks weighs about 14.5 pounds.  Yes, he is huge.  The Mini Co-Sleeper is only rated for 22 pounds.  Our infant carseat is also only rated up to 23 pounds.  By the time Elliott was developmentally ready to use a Bumpo chair, he was too big to fit into it.  Same went for the door jumper.

It is also embarrassing to have Mom's tell me that my 6 week old is bigger than their 6 month old.  Yes, this really happened to me yesterday in Ikea.  I am flattered that my son is growing with such vigor--all because of my awesome breast milk.  But, I wonder if there isn't something else they are trying to tell me...?  It wouldn't be appropriate for me to go around talking about how small a person's baby is--for all i know they may be struggling with breast feeding or having confidence issues of their own about their babies size.

And while I call my son a bruiser--please don't call him Brutus (as in the Popeye character).

5 week update

Phew, the holidays are over.  I love being with family and celebrating, and gifts...but with a newborn and a very spirited toddler-well chaos isn't far behind.  In fact, I feel like I am either chasing or being followed by a little tornado.  Everytime I pick up one mess, another is being dumped out behind me.

Spencer, so far, is an awesome newborn.  He is now moving into the infant stage and seems to be getting more comfortable with life outside the womb.  I am doing so many thing differently with him being the second child and all.  Part of the differences are due to way in which he made his way into this world, many of them are because I am a more confident parent, and some are due to his easy going disposition. 

I was convinced that Spencer was going to be a hyperactive kid who never slept.  But, in fact, it is just the opposite.  While we are 5 weeks in, he is a great sleeper both at night and naps. He is rarely fussy with the exception being when he has to poop—which so far is every 3-5 days.  We have already had 3 poonami’s—which consist of him blowing his diaper, onesie, outfit and carseat out.  He loves baths and seems to just melt into the tub whenever we place him there.  He is starting the quiet alert stage—where he just looks around and takes in the lights and colors. 

Elliott is still an amazing little kid.  He continues to be great at sharing his toys and still has a compassionate side to him.  He is becoming a very good conversationalist and has an awesome memory for names and details.  Elliott loves all things trains, trucks, cars, diggers and airplanes.  He seems to have a preference for things that GO.  Although we spent over an hour last night together putting together puzzles (he only wanted to put together the train, drums, car and animals puzzles…go figure). 

Our battle with potty training is ongoing.  He was going pee in the potty with regularity and staying dry in between.  I was just about ready to move him to underwear full time.  He could even hold his bladder all night on most nights.  He has however decided to assert his own variety of independence and now refuses to pee in the pot, and won’t hold his pee at night.  His pull ups were getting so soaked through that 3 times they leaked.  Pull ups are just not meant to hold that much pee…  Plus, he now has a rash caused by the wet pull up and his refusal to pee in the pot (and our lack of changing it often enough).  So, he is back to wearing diapers until he decides he is ready to pee in the pot again.  We keep asking him, and we make him sit there still but it is a battle every time.  It makes me wonder if it is a battle I shouldn’t be fighting.  This is one of those areas where I am uncertain as to the ‘right’ thing to do.  Should I force him to sit on the pot even though it causes him distress?  Or do I just keep on keeping on, and hope that sometime in the future he will change his mind and decide he is ready?  The potty training experts say that you shouldn’t go back, and once in pulls up don’t go back to diapers…  But, he is a willful child and doesn’t like being told what to do.  Yes, like his Mama, he already has an authority complex.  The battle rages on.

I love being a Mom to two boys.  I feel like I am adjusting well to life with two children, although it has its challenges.  I had a small amount of free time with Elliott.  I now feel like I don’t have any free time.  Even something as mundane as a shower needs to be carefully scheduled and cleared with the hubby.  I can see how this lack of ‘me’ time could build resentment and frustration if you aren’t communicating your needs often and clearly.

Speaking of needs—nap time if over and mine needs a feeding and diaper change.