Darwinsgirl

Language Development

2011-08-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

For a long while I have been anxious about Spencer's 'slow' use of language. He began saying a few words--Mama, Dada, cock-a-doodle-doo within the normal range of time. However, after that he really didn't say much beyond screeching and yelling, pointing and gesturing. Perhaps we always spoke for him. Perhaps he felt confident that his intention was coming across without needing to speak the words, or perhaps he just didnt want to.

Most important is the fact that he can very clearly communicate his needs and wants. He signs about 20 things (milk, eat, more, water, bath, dog, bird, all done, skeleton...you get the idea), he pats or points to the things he wants, and he most often will insist you take his hand while he shows you what he wants or needs. When he is hurt he points to the area that was damaged while whaling and puckering up his lips.

A good friend of mine is going through the cluster fuck of trying to enroll her 2 1/2 year old son in Speech Therapy. Apparently some insurance companies will only cover it if your child has a greater than 50% deficiency in language development for their age. And the state funded programs are impacted and few and far between. Saying nothing of the fact that for many kids who do not attain help, their abilities will only get worse as time moves on. Taking them farther and farther away from the 'normal' range. Grrrr! So watching her go through the ringer was not something I wanted to experience.

Spencer will be 2 years old in November so we have a little while before we really need to worry. Apparently language development really kicks off, for those who were slow to acquire it, at around 22-28 months. And while I know I shouldn't, I am stuck comparing him to Elliott. Elliott could talk in full sentences by now and was always being praised for his vast spoken abilities...now if he would only focus on being quiet!

Last week, to my great relief, Spencer started saying some words and mimicking our words. He has a long way to go, since most of the words aren't very clear and most of them are the names of the cars from Cars: The Movie and Cars 2. But, phew! I am so excited to enter this new stage of development with him.

The time crunch

2011-08-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

My 37th Birthday is just around the corner, and I am starting to feel pressured for time. And by time, I mean reproductive time. We are always pushing the clock around here. Go, go, go.

My hubby and I decided that a 3rd child was not in our cards right now. And, I felt at peace with that decision for a while. I even went so far as to give away all of my newborn clothes (with the caveat that they return them to me). It felt liberating. I felt like a giant weight was lifted of my shoulders. I felt happy. I felt at peace.

That lasted for a several months. Now I am longing again to expand our family. My reasons in favor are numerous. I feel like I am capable of managing another child. Every day I become more patient, and efficient and loving. I love watching the kids grow and explore their worlds. I get an endless amount of joy and satisfaction from watching the boys play together, work out their battles and conflicts for space and attention, and I love the relationship they are building with one another. I also feel a small longing for a girl. I can not imagine how it would change the way I parent or love a child, but I am curious to know.

I am also becoming more aware of the fleeting nature of my childrens youth. They grow so quickly, and change in the blink of an eye. I love being around toddlers. They are so loving and energetic and flexible! They accept guidance and redirection. They rarely throw tantrums when given the proper options and time to make a decision. With a 4 year old and a 20 month old-my toddlers days are coming to an end. My older son will be in school next year and my younger son will be in preschool a couple of mornings a week. And, I can feel the stress associated with this end. I do not want this time period to come to a close.

On the other side of the spectrum I do not long, in the slightest of ways, to be pregnant again. I was sick for the first trimester, plus. I was depressed for the second trimester and while I was happy and thrilled the third trimester - I was also exhausted! Couple that with parenting 2 small kids and I wonder if another pregnancy will break me. 37 years old is not young any more. In terms of child bearing, it is considered advanced maternal age. There is more lab work, more tests to worry over, and more midwife care and worries. There is also far less energy than, say, when I was 27!

That takes me to the sleep factor. Oh, how I long for the ability to sleep and wake on my own schedule! I am not sure why this matters so much now. When I worked I woke on someone else's schedule. I have always been an early riser and I never was a late/long sleeper. But, there is something about calling your own shots and not waking to the sound of crying that only you or your breast can soothe. Then, there is the middle of the night waking that comes with a new babe.

The pain and recovery of the pregnancy and the birth. Ouch. The weight loss, the fitness level to be regained, the endless backaches, and the carrying and lifting of the babe for the first year plus. There is a physicality to another child that scares me. Is my body strong enough to endure that first year again!?!?!

But, even while looking over the pro's and con's, and notice there is nothing about my husband's feelings or desires listed here! I still feel like our family is incomplete. Try as I might...my body is telling my mind to suck it up! I am very logical and this is tearing me up inside. The illogical (yet totally base) nature of physical desire mixed with reason and sensibility just doesn't add up.

The results show

2011-02-23T20:40:00.000-08:00

I work hard to be a good parent. I quit working to be home with my children. I read and keep up on the various parenting styles and the latest approaches to dealing with tantrums. I listen to my children and try to be present. I love my boys more than words can express. But, boy o'boy do these kids frustrate me.

I am trying to reconcile how to let my kids be kids, while attempting to maintain my sanity and keeping our house erect. Is it possible?

How do we put aside our quirks and personality nuances and allow the little people around us to exist and be happy? I am struggling with this very idea. Often times I am finding my rules and limitations are what is standing in the way of our families peaceful existence. That is not to say that my rules and limits aren't healthy and safe. I am just pointing out that I am usually the one with the limits and rules, as well as their enforcer.

I want my kids to express their true personalities, to be comfortable in their own skin, and to be confident with their decisions. I feel like they wont learn these lessons if I am telling them "No" all of the time. I am certain that I am over simplifying it, but I nonetheless feel guilty with the amount of times in a day I am saying No.

Redirecting 1 child was much easier than attempting to redirect 2 children. Especially when the second child is often times in danger of hurting himself.

I am still working hard to be a great parent, but it is taking its toll on my self esteem these last few weeks. I am slowly coming to terms with the changes that I need to make, the limits that I need to set and enforce, and rethinking the way I communicate with the kiddos. I am dreading the work, but I long for the results.

Pre-race self portrait

2011-01-24T11:29:00.001-08:00

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Carlsbad Half Marathon race report

2011-01-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I completed a Half Marathon, that's 13.1 miles folks. I will pause for effect.

I haven't run a race since Elliott was just a few months old and I really walked most of it being just a few months post surgery.

In my former life I was a frequent runner and racer, and I posted a while ago about the races that I remember running. I was never fast, but I do have endurance. It took me 6 hours and 1 minute to complete my only marathon.

This race was different though than all my other races. The main difference was that I signed up for the race and the training alone. I was lucky enough to run with some great women throughout the training period, but the decision to run and train was mine alone. I also vowed from the first long weekend run that I would not allow myself to quit.

You see, I have a habit of letting myself fail. If I find something to be difficult I judge whether I will be able to complete the task. If there is a possibility that I may fail, then I will rationalize reasons not to try as hard as I could. Then, I often end up giving up and failing at the task. Therefore sabotaging my chances at success, even if they may have been slim to begin with.

I didn't do that to myself this time. I tried as hard as I could throughout the season. I accepted my defeats as they came (and they came on a 12 mile training run...ouch), and I pushed myself when I could. The result was awesome. I finished the half with a personal best. My watch time was 2 hours 38 minutes (had to stop it for a potty break hence the 3 minute variance from the tag time). The official results are here:

Half Marathon

Runner Details

Race Results

Split Times

Bib:
Name:
Gender:	F
Age:	36
Hometown:	San Diego, CA

Overall:	5529 out of 7026
Women:	3164 out of 4327
F 35-39:	591 out of 768
Age/Grade:	41.16% Place: 5622
Finish:	2:42:03 Pace: 12:22
Tag Time:	2:42:03
Gun Time:	2:52:20

6.6 MI:

1:23:21 Pace: 12:38

It clearly isn't a great time compared to others in my age group (591 out of 768 finishers), but it a great time for me as a runner. And I ran 95% of the course, only stopping to catch my breath 3 times after I ran 10 straight miles. My previous race times were around 3 hours, so my pace has improved greatly as well. I feel proud of myself for giving it my all, and that is all that counts in my race book.

Childhood Food Allergies

2011-01-24T10:58:00.000-08:00

When Spencer was about 6 months old, one of the first foods he sampled was yogurt. I bought the plain greek yogurt, and Spencer didn't love it. He made a funny face and only allowed a couple spoonfuls into his grill before flat out rejecting it's milky goodness.

After eating a couple of bites, I thought I noticed a few red marks on his face. They were so subtle though, that I attributed them to irritation from using the spoon to wipe or catch the extra food that ends up all over little ones faces.

I made a mental note of the redness and moved on. It was a while still before I tried yogurt again. This time I smartened up and bough the Gerber baby yogurt-strawberry flavor. He loved it and gobbled it down. The entire container in fact. And, he wasn't even out of his highchair before he clearly developed hives on his face and around his mouth.

A phone call to the doc, some Benadryl and a vow to stay off dairy products until he was 1 year old--no cheese, no milk, no yogurt. I never gave him formula, luckily, not that he would drink it anyway! He is a very particular eater and drinker. I wasn't checking every label to ensure that all milk proteins were absent from the foods I gave him. Not until I noticed he would have a couple of very small hives after eating certain foods. I then began to read labels more closely and discovered that he was more sensitive to milk that I suspected. He was reacting to items where milk (or derivatives) was low on the ingredient list.

I discussed it with his doctor at his 9 month appointment, and they suggested scheduling an appointment with an allergist when he reached 1 year old. We did just that. Elliott went through allergy testing last year as well, so I knew what to expect. Spencer was a champion during the appointment and testing.

And, before I left the office I had a Rx for an epi-pen and was reeling at the discovery that my wee lad had not only an allergy to milk, but to eggs and peanuts.

The first feeling I had was pity. For my myself. I felt disappointed that it was my kid who was going to ruin lunch for everyone at school. It was my kid who everyone was going to have to cater their lunch boxes to. It was me who was going to have to make all sorts of food modifications for. Then, I got over it and moved on.

We have been navigation the food allergies for several months now, and it doesn't seem as bad as I had anticipated. The main challenge is the peanut allergy. Since he has never been exposed to peanuts, there is no way to know what type of reaction he will have. It could be hives or it could be death.

The milk and egg allergies he will likely outgrow. In fact, 80% of children outgrow their childhood allergies to milk and eggs. While only 20% of children outgrow their allergy to peanuts. We have eliminated peanut butter from our nut butter arsenal, as well as most products that contain peanuts. But, we aren't so strict as to eliminate foods made on equipment with peanuts.

The tough part is still coming though. He is only 14 months old, and doesn't have the language skills to ask why he cant eat certain foods, while his brother can. But, he is beginning to show signs that he notices that we are eating foods that he isn't, and he knows that he wants them too, and he shows me his dismay that I dont allow him to partake. Spencer is very particular and vocal about the things he wants and doesn't want. He is my son after all. Love that kid.

Spencer's First Birthday Party

2011-01-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Spencer

Where is my cake?!?!

Like usual, I am delinquent in posting. Spencer celebrated his 1 year birthday in late November. I wanted a small party, but as is typical, we had a large gathering. I am incapable of throwing a small shindig.

It was a wonderful morning party with many of the kids he sees and plays with on a daily basis from Stroller Strides, and a few of my friends. Along with the family that was able to travel to San Diego to celebrate.

We had a checkered flag themed party, and kept the decorations and fan fare limited. I did make a 4 layer white and black cake. Apparently black food coloring turns poop green. Good to know.

It was a lot of work to have his party and then go full force into the December holidays. Next year we are going to have his party the weekend before his birthday, depending on when the Thanksgiving holidays fall.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The upcoming birthday festivities

2010-11-15T20:09:00.000-08:00

Spencer's first birthday is coming up in a few short weeks. He shares a birthday with my best friends daughter, in addition to having a birthday near Thanksgiving (and once in a blue moon--on) most years. So, planning his birthdays will be tough for a few years.

For Elliott, we have always chosen to have his birthday's in our home town. He has a summer birthday and occasionally his conflicts with the 4th of July holiday, but all in all it is simpler (for planning purposes) than contending with a major holiday like Thanksgiving.

All of our respective family live in the same county. Plus, Grandma was always more than willing to allow us to have the parties at her house. They have a huge kid friendly yard and a pool with a water slide. Elliott being our oldest (and at the time--only) child--parties were a pretty big affair. Now that we have a second child--they seem less of a priority. I now understand why subsequent children get the shaft.

The killer part for me is always the guest list. Having the party in San Diego this year makes it a bit easier. And in the same breathe infinitely more difficult There is always the question of who to invite. I don't want to leave anyone off the list lest I insult someone, but I also don't want to burden anyone with an invite if it's going to be drag. Do I invite all my home town friends? Do I invite Elliott's friends (who subsequently are my friends as well)? Do I invite my friends who have kids? How are we going to fit and feed all those folks into our house? Since his birthday is in the winter--there is no telling if the skies will be cooperative or not.

Then, there is the family factor. If I have the party in our home town I can be assured that my family will attend. It will be uncomfortable for everyone to be in the same room with one another--but they will do it in the name of my adorable son. But, the fact that this year I have taken a stand and chose to have the event in San Diego sets my heart up for disappointment. The last time I remember my Mom coming to San Diego was when Elliott was 2 weeks old. My sister hasn't been to visit me in more years than that. And my Aunt's last visit was my wedding--5 years ago. In their defense, they are busy and traveling costs money. I understand all of that. But, it is still disappointing for me--it is only a 3 hour drive. One that I make 6-7 times every year with my kids in tow.

Irrationally, I admit, I always position their love for me and my kids up against the excuse of not enough money and/or time--and my kids and I always lose. Or so, it feels. Now, I know that nothing is that simple or black and white. But, it doesn't change the fact that I still feel let down and disappointed. Keeping in mind the whole time, of course, that the party is for my son and not for me.

The invitation was sent. The only thing left to do is wait, and hope that I don't feel disappointed when all is said and done.

Hey, did I mention...

2010-11-10T20:18:00.001-08:00

Spencer started walking a few weeks ago! Just as predicted.

Coming around the bend

2010-11-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

I had a post sitting in my drafts for the last 2 months. I wrote it whilst feeling very emotional and vulnerable. I didn't feel, at the time, that I should post it. However, after reading it again I decided to go ahead. My feelings at the time were real and therefore valid. If you are a follower--you will see a new post with an old date.

Some days are still as frustrating as I earlier described. However, many of the days are actually becoming enjoyable. I attribute the change to a handful of things.

The first is that Elliott seems to be growing out of his defiant stage (I should say temporarily shelving as I expect it to show up again sooner rather than later). He is becoming more aware of the daily expectations--get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast (sitting down), go to preschool or some other activity, etc.

He is also working very hard at adjusting to life as a sibling. He clearly likes Spencer, but still has a hard time sharing time and/or toys with him. He also can scarcely contain his enthusiasm and sheer joy that comes from pushing him over, or angrily ripping a toy from him hands. I suspect that Elliott is asserting himself over Spencer because Spenc is low man on the totem pole (so to speak). As such, I have been working on navigating the two of them more carefully. I have also been working on the language I use when correcting the other, making sure to say things to both Elliott AND Spencer. That has helped facilitate their relationship with one another, and if I handle it correctly it should make them closer over the long haul.

In addition to the normal growth that occurs when a sibling is added--I too, have been growing and adjusting. I have always felt proud of the fact that I was very patient and took the time to explain things to my child. And then there were two...and all patience went out the window. I am slowly, day by day, regaining some of that patience.

As I slowly take back more of my body (less nursing on a daily basis) and I start to get more solid chunks of sleep I find that I am more patient and less irritable. Both of these things attribute to a more patient and nurturing parent.

Lastly, I am learning more about redirecting my anger as well as my children's. I am also working on easing up on them--they ares still so little! Elliott is 3 and 1/2 years old--but that is still small. He needs reminders and more reminders. He still needs me to swoop him up and kiss his owie. He still lets me hold his hand when we cross the stress.

And, these days I relish each opportunity. I try and remind myself daily how lucky I am to be able to spend my days with my adorable boys. Very lucky indeed.

9 months for number two

2010-09-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Spencer is almost 10 months old, and as you can tell I am delinquent in updating this blog on his stats. What an awesome kid he is. He is very independent, insists on feeding himself, doesn't like to be restrained or held back in anyway.

I would love to contain him in an excer-sauser or jumper but he will not have any of it. In fact, he was so resistant that I have loaned all of my baby gear out to other moms because it was taking up too much space and just collecting dust.

I suspect that Spencer will be walking by 11 months, if not sooner. He is content to crawl, but prefers standing and pulling up on everything he can. His favorite activity this week is emptying any drawer his can get into and trying to climb up the slide at the park.

Since he is so mobile, I think that he is leaner than his brother was at the same age. Spencer was only 20.2 pounds at his 9 months, which is the 50 percentile, his height though was 29 inches which puts him in the 90th percentile and similar to his brother.

5 years ago

2010-09-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

5 years ago tomorrow, my husband and I took a leap of faith. Surrounded by our very closest friends and family we committed ourselves to one another. 8 years we've know one another, 2 adorable sons, and an entirely different life than the one we started with.

Happy Anniversary my love.

My wits end

2010-09-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

I can not deny that things have been difficult these last 2 weeks. I don't know if it's any one thing independently, or the combination of many things...but, there has been a lot of yelling from Mama this past week.

The hubby has been stressed with changes afoot at work, then he was travelling, and now entertaining business associates. Elliott has decided that it is perfectly acceptable to be contrary, condescending, ornery, and down right difficult in every single aspect of anything routine or mundane. Spencer, well, he's Spencer. He is verbal, loud, and will not allow a single injustice to go unnoticed (I have no idea where he inherited that trait).

Needless to say, I have firmly decided that 2 kids is enough, and often times over the last few days--TOO MANY.

I am at my wits end for patience and loving responses. Each time I pep talk myself into taking deep breaths and calming down, Elliott does something that causes my blood to boil and I loose my temper. I am out of ideas for gentle discipline--he just laughs at me.

I sound, and feel, pathetic and ineffective.

First day of Pre-school recap

2010-09-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I started to feel like Elliott needed a change. He had been attending, twice a week, the same home based daycare since he was 6 months old. We kept him there even after I was laid off from my job. We loved the caregiver and over the last 2 years--he has blossomed and learned all of the basics of toddlerhood.

As his 3rd birthday approached and his energy levels took another step up, we realized that he was ready for a change. He needed a place with more kids (and different ones), and a space that had more room to run around. We also wanted him to be closer to home, as his previous daycare was 15 miles east of our home. Now that I stay home, all the unnecessary driving was beginning to take its toll on me. It also disrupted Spencer's nap schedule as he would always fall asleep in the car on the way there and on the way home.

There is a preschool that many of the Stroller Stride Mom's in our neighborhood send their wee-ones, so we checked it out. Of course, we loved it and Elliott started this morning. I think I was way more nervous than he was. I was totally worried we were going to be late and felt the stress of having to get my kids somewhere on time. It was a preview of what is to come when they are both in school. Arrgghhhh.

We did a quick walk through of the school on Friday so that both my hubby and Elliott could have visibility of the toys and expectations. And so that everyone was on the same page verbally about what the school had. The drop off this morning went great. He was nervous and clingy for about 10 minutes and I stayed with him during that time. Then he started to get curious and was looking around the room himself, testing some of the toys out. Next thing you know...I was kissing him goodbye and leaving my sweet first born son all on his own at his big urban preschool.

I was loading Spencer in the car seat and I saw Elliott running in the play yard from tricycle to bike. He was clearly so excited about each toy that he couldn't decide what to play on first. When I picked him up a few hours later he was playing happily with another boy, totally engrossed in the cars and the car ramp.

He ran up to me, gave me a big smile and a huge hug. He seemed to enjoy his day! His teacher gave me the art he completed that day, and we said our thanks and goodbyes. I only wish that he stayed there longer. His previous daycare was 8-4pm!

Lunch box-check!

I feel like this is our first big milestone. It is bittersweet for me. I want him to learn and grow, to become more independent and confident, and to experience other kids and various teaching styles. But, our jobs as parents are also to coddle and nurture our children as well as ensure they aren't growing up to quickly. I am excited, based on this first day, that he seems to have adjusted well. I feel like that speaks to his personality and his self confidence. Only time will tell how it turns out.

Crawling

2010-08-01T15:07:00.000-07:00

Spencer has been precrawling for a few months now. But this week he finally took the final steps and is now officially crawling.

Unlike some babies who take a few tentative steps now and again Spencer does everything with gusto. He goes 100 miles an hour. He started crawling Thursday and by Friday I could see his main goal was to pull up on whatever he could get close to. The next day he was pulling up to his knees in his crib and today he can almost get to his feet.

He will be sitting and then push up with his hands until he is in a down dog position. He balances there for a bit and either topples over or sits down. They he will quickly crawl away.

Some kids practice and practice until they get it right. Spencer seems to want to wait until he is certain he can do it, and do it quick. Then, and only then, does he take off.

His personality is really shining through these days. His laughter is contagious but just as quick as he laughs his feelings will change and he will get pissed off about an injustice with a toy and will start whaling loudly.

What a fun kid.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Welcome to the preschool

2010-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first night that Spencer slept most of the night in his crib. We put him down at 7pm, he woke at 10:30pm for a feed, then went back to sleep until 4:30am. Not only is the sleeping in the crib a big deal, but the amount of sleep without waking or needing a feed is a record. Needless to say--I was a happy Mommy this morning. Too bad Spencer doesn't mimic the sentiment.

2 weeks ago he broke ground on his first tooth, and last week a second one popped up. Ever since then, my sweet and smiley son has been replaced with a whiney, fussy one.

There has been a lot of practice crawling and pre-crawling activity but nothing that is clearly real crawling. He can more around the room though by lunging and spinning on his tummy and occasionally rolling over (something he doesn't prefer). I have no less than 15 video's on my phone of him almost crawling. I am not rushing it since I know that he will be a handful when he does become mobile. But, I want him to start crawling simply because he is so frustrated by his inability to move!

On the food front, Spencer has started to take a more active interest in eating. He doesn't care for fruits as much as savory baby foods. His favorite jarred food is the organic rice and lentils. But his top pick is any food he can eat with his own hands--puffs, cheerios, bread pieces, crackers and veggie's. He will tolerate banana chunks and raspberries if he is in the right mood.

Elliott celebrated his 3rd birthday! My little boy is now officially categorized as a Pre-schooler. Sniffle, sniffle. We had a small party is his Grandparent's house the last weekend in June for him. We also celebrated by taking him to dinner on his official birth date and we celebrate while we were on our staycation with my in-laws July 4th week.

That is Elliott pointing out the fact that I did NOT light all of the candles. In the midst of singing we had to stop, re-light the candles and start again. I love that kid. And of course, eating the enormous cupcake.

Elliott always enjoys spending time with his cousins, who are 6 and 8 years old. There is a natural bond between them that seems to allow them to play together with very little fighting. Elliott tries to keep up with the 8 year old, and is always exhausted by the end of the day. As a result of trying to keep up he has to push himself and his physical limits, lest he be left behind! By the end of the visit he has increased his independence and his self confidence and I have learned to let go just a wee-bit more--a win-win for everyone!

In other big news, we enrolled Elliott in preschool. He has been going to the same home-based daycare since he was 6 months old and we now feel he is ready for a change. It has been a huge decision for us since we LOVE the situation he is in now. But, there were several factors that influenced our decision. One was that it was 15 miles from our house. Another is the space factor. We wanted him to be able to run around and be more independent. We also want him to start a small amount of structured learning. He knows his ABC's by site, he can count to 15 and knows his numbers by site to ten. He knows colors, shapes and speaks clearly. Unless it is the "l" sound which comes out sounding the same as a "w' sound... We believe in kids being kids as long as possible, but we also think that learning can be fun. And since kids are little sponges that now is the perfect time to solidify the fun of discovering new things, ideas and concepts. Lastly, the preschool we chose is close to our home and is very reasonably priced.

And that brings everyone up to date with the goings on of the wee ones. As for the grown-ups in the house--the hubby is working and stressing like crazy. We are both torn between wanting a bigger house and fixing up this one. We have been house browsing on the weekends, and of course, everyone house I look at that is bigger than ours is 'the perfect house'. And then we come home, and talk about our house and fall in love with it all over again. And so it begins.

Sloooow down already!

2010-06-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

My sweet little baby...

You are growing and developing so fast. Last week you mastered your abdominal muscles and began sitting up, and this week you are already practice crawling. It is adorable to watch you grunt and groan whilst you slowing push yourself up onto your hands and knees. Then slowly, ever so proud of yourself, you rock back and forth. Elliott was 11 months old when he first crawled. How different these boys are!

It will only be a short time until you are moving about the house. Terrorizing areas that your older brother still has not discovered.

And then...we are all in trouble. I can sense that your calm, happy personality is a simple disguise. Underneath it all you are dead set on the things you want. You smile and laugh at me all the while reaching for things over my shoulder that should be out of your grasp. You never loose an opportunity to grasp for things in your reach and even slightly beyond.

You have THE loudest voice. I am certain that it was specifically crafted to ensure that I dont ever let you cry it out. It is particularly shrill and piercing when you dont like what is being done to you (putting you to sleep, putting you down when you want to be carried or picked up, or forcibly removing you from my breast because you like to gnaw and clamp down on it).

You have an infectious smile and laugh, and LOVE it when kids or adults are right up in your grill. The more activity that is going on, the happier you are. When it is just you and I at home--you are bored and cranky.

At your 6 month appointment you were still getting over a nasty bout of Herpangina. As such you hadn't eaten well in several days. So, you dropped from the 90% for weight down to the 50%. It was heartbreaking to hear the doctor sound concerned about the shift from one arch on the growth graph to a lower arch. You are still tall at 27 1/2 inches (75%). 18 pounds 8 ounces isn't anything to worry about, but it is smaller than your brother at this age.

I have been trying to feed you solids for more than a month now, and you have little interest in them. You will eat several bites. Then gag down a few more. Then refuse to eat more than that. You have eaten banana, avocado, sweet potatoes, peas, apples, pears, rice and lentils. Fruit seems to be your least favorite and rice cereal your top pick. As soon as your get some teeth we can expand your diet a bit more too.

It is bittersweet watching my baby grow and develop. I love you sweet boy.

6 months and many lessons

2010-05-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

6 months.

Yesterday marked 6 months since Spencer's birth.

6 months since my vagina was intact. Yes, we are talking about it again. Vagina, Vagina, Vagina.

I have been forced to alter my life to accommodate my new physical limitations. I had to suspend my Stroller Strides membership because I couldn't walk without major pain, let alone run. I could no longer stand for extended periods of time. I couldn't sit cross-legged, on uneven or hard surfaces any longer. Wearing tight fitting clothes was out, and let's face it now that I have had 2 kids--all my clothes are tight fitting...

The first doctor visit was 10 or so days post delivery. I felt like something wasn't healing right. She said I was rushing it and to take it easy.

The second visit was for my 6 week follow up. Again, I noted the pain and discomfort. The GYN said take it easy. Sometimes healing takes a while. The pain was likely a result of the prolapse. Come back in 4-6 months for a follow up.

During the last few months I have made adjustments. I have been in almost constant discomfort in one way or another. I have lost sleep over not being able to have anymore kids because of the pain. I have contemplated surgery even though I wouldn't be able to pick up my kids for 6 weeks or more. I have cried. But, mostly I have been silent. I shared on this blog and with a few people. But, mostly I have been silent about it since that is what you are supposed to do.

You aren't supposed to talk about your vagina.

Yesterday, I went to a specialist whose emphasis is in pelvic floor disorders. He took one look at me and was shocked. He couldn't believe that I hadn't been diagnosed before. He was shocked that I went so long without treatment. He said that most of my discomfort could be eliminated with a procedure he could do right now. He couldn't guarantee that one treatment would eliminate the problem but he was certain that it would make me feel better than I felt.

He said my prolapse was normal. He said I could have 10 more kids if I wanted.

I started to cry. My legs in stirrups - spreadeagled and I was crying. The nurse put her hand on my leg and brought me the box of tissues. I was that girl.

I felt so relieved. A painless application of silver nitrate and I was good to go. If I wasn't healed in 2 weeks to make another appointment.

I also felt stupid. And angry. And silly. I endured 6 months of pain and silent embarrassment when all I needed was some silver nitrate and a competent doctor.

Exuberant granulation tissue.

All of this isn't to say that I am 100% healed. I still have a minor prolapse. And I may still need an office visit to surgically remove the extra tissue. But, I already feel better today both knowing the true cause of my pain and knowing that it can be treated.

Lessons learned- Trust my body. Trust my instincts. Trust myself. Don't blindly trust doctors. Don't be ashamed of my body--broken or not.

Is three a charm?

2010-05-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

Up until 2 weeks before I got pregnant I never wanted children. When I was younger I would tell people I didn’t want kids. I didn’t babysit. There weren’t many babies or small children around while I was growing up. With the exception of my cousin who was born when I was in my early 20's all the other kids were my age.

When the hubby and I met I was still certain that I didn’t want kids. Then one day something inside of me changed. It was shortly after we got married that my inner clock started ticking. I tried to ignore it a first. But it wouldn’t be ignored.

After living together for several years, a good length engagement, and a wonderful year post marriage the hubby and I had a short, and I mean 5 minutes or less, conversation about if we should try and start a family.

2 short weeks later the pee stick said pregnant. I was in shock for my entire first trimester. I did not handle it well. We now have 2 awesome, gorgeous boys.

Most of my friends seem to be content and happy with one child. These days many folks start their families later. Some are less willing to give up their perceived freedom due to careers or simply the pragmatic choice of budgetary restraints and are therefore unable to stay home with their children and then, many people simply feel satisfied with one child (and some none) . Some decide on having two, but very few of our friends have decided that yet.

I am plagued.

I want a third child. Something in my heart is telling me that our family in not complete yet. There are so many reasons why a third baby would be impractical. We only live in a 2 bedroom house-1000 square feet people. 3 kids might put us over the edge financially. I might loose my mind with three kids. Where would the 3rd kiddo sit at our dinner table? Would we ever get invited anywhere again? When would we sleep again? Oh, and I would have to get pregnant again (I don’t love being pregnant, and my lady parts are still on the fritz).

There is also the global perspective and the planet to think of. It is really a good idea to populate our planet with more than ourselves as replacements? Am I being selfish wanting a third child when so many folks can’t even have one? Hubby has valid concerns too regarding how much time he would have to spend with each. Would he get the quality time with each of them that they needed? Would it be total chaos? Would we be able to give each of them the love that they needed. What would our house be like with 5 human beings living in it at all times. Plus a dog and a cat.

All things emotional and logical inside of me say yes.

The house logistics are simple. While I occasionally get depressed that our house is so small; most of the time I am content with our small, cozy quarters. I love the neighborhood, the centrality, and our yard. I know we could make it work. Moreover, I want to make it work. I like to be challenged. And living in this house is a challenge in terms of getting everything to fit. It forces me to think about things before I buy them. It also requires shared space which is a good lesson for everyone. It forces each person to respect the others space. Plus, we won’t live here forever, although the in-laws have lived in their home for 30-plus years. Hmm, we could always remodel-budget permitting.

We have the gear. I have the space in my vehicle. I know I have enough love (patience may be a bit short in the beginning and during the teenage years). I am not getting any younger and in many ways I want to be done with the childbearing part and move all my energy and focus to the childrearing phase.

I keep getting stuck in the comments of others. Am I crazy for wanting three? Will I put myself over the edge? Do I have the personality to handle three kids?

I still have plenty of time to ponder this idea since breastfeeding full time has warded off my period. But it is fun to think about. Unless we have a girl...then all bets are off.

Confession of an angry Mom

2010-05-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away I had a problem with anger. I would get angry quick and unexpectedly. I would often over react and yell; many times saying things i regretted or didn't mean. Yes, I know you are thinking that everyone does this occasionally. And, yes, I agree. But, it would happen to me frequently and the rage associated with it was so unexpected that I deemed it a problem.

I put an end to a few bad relationships, reassessed my self-worth and finished college. After college I sought to eliminate the anger. I bought a book about anger management and realized that anger was a secondary emotion. It was the reaction to feelings about something else. Hmm, for me, at the time, that was enlightening. I also determined that I had what was called sudden anger. I learned some techniques, including blogging as a way to share my feelings and sort out my thoughts. The anger subsided, and I became a calmer, happier person.

However, in the last few months it seems that the anger has crept back into my life. My once rational, calm, reasonable demeanor is now short tempered, hot headed and worse yet...irrational. Arrgghhh.

I have been thinking and analyzing the reasons for my feelings and the cause of my anger. I have come up with this. And like it or not, these are my feelings.

Most of the anger i have been feeling is towards my children. In particular my older child. He is a good, kind kid. But, I realized that I was taking him to seriously. Especially when he would tell me no, or say he didn't like me, or just outright disobey something I asked him. Uh, hello, he is a 2 year old. Of course he is going to test his boundaries and limits. Especially with his new found confidence from swim lessons.

The thing that made me the most angry was when he would take a toy away from his younger brother or try to hurt him. I soon realized that the reason this made me so angry was because I was erroneously thinking he was doing it maliciously or on purpose. Of course, he is not even 3 years old and doesn't yet have the ability to be mean like that. Once I was able to wrap my head around that, I stopped reacting so over the top.

I am glad that I took the time to look deeper into my actions and feelings and find a way to communicate with my children in a more effective and productive manner.

The week for Milestones

2010-04-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

As timing would have it, Elliott decided that he wanted to start wearing underwear and using the potty the Friday before our trip to Mexico. The first round of potty training didn't go well and after several months without success we decided to shelve the attempt. From everything I read we put to much pressure on him to use the pot. So he took control of the thing he knew he could-his bladder and bowels to resist the pressure.

After much parental guilt and discussion between the hubby and I - We told him that it was his body and that he needed to be ready to pee and poop in the pot. We apologized for pressuring him and told him to tell us when he was ready. And from then on we didn't mention it to him. If he would complain about the cold wipes during a diaper change we would remind him that TP wasn't wet or cold. Or if he would complain or fuss about diaper changes we would tell him that he could decide/choose to use the toilet anytime but until then we had to wear diapers.

I also decided to skip the pull-ups and the training potty and go straight for underwear and the big toilet. I wanted simplicity and less mess (counter intuitive but true!).

So 3 days before our 5+ hour plane trip plus countless airport hours we switched from diapers to underwear. He is doing great. We have had several accidents, of course. But this is a way different experience for us both. The timing is his and he is in charge. What an awesome feeling for him!

Elliott has also strongly resisted dressing and undressing himself. This is partly our fault as his folks. And partly his way of asserting himself. More often we would rather just do it for him and get out of the house than wait and wait and wait for him to get around to it-if he ever did. What we weren't seeing was the big picture as it relates to self confidence and independence. We were also short changing him as it relates to coordination.

However, since he started using the pot we have required him to start putting his clothes on and taking them off. This is especially important after he has an accident-he has to sit on the pot, then clean up the pee (to the best of a 2 year olds ability), then put his wet clothes in the laundry and get dressed again. All of these things are normal events-but act as a deterrent for him. The benefit is that he is so proud of himself afterwards!

I suspect that alot of Elliott's new found confidence is from the swim lessons that he took the 2 weeks prior to our trip to Cancun. There are several schools of thought as it relates to swimming. The classes we took we the life saving type and therefore they took a fairly hard lined approach to learning. Elliott hasn't been exposed to the tuff love method to much-so it came as a big shock to him. There were a lot of tears the first few days and a bunch of pool water swallowed.

The lessons were simple-they were designed to tap into our innate ability to swim. The instructor always orients the child to the side of the pool and then sends him on his way.
At the end of 2 weeks Elliott felt very confident in himself and had learned the basics of life saving swimming techniques. Many people think this method is mean and won't subject their children to this type of learning. And if my son had a fear of water I might not consider such a harsh method. But, Elliott has zero fear of water-he goes down the water slide at his Grandparents pool, jumps off the side of the pool into the deep end without a care for who will catch him, and last summer walked straight into the Ocean. I had to run in with all my clothes on and get him. So, these lessons taught him to swim as well as a healthy fear of the water. A win-win in my book.

The finger saga continues. Elliott has had 2 post-op follow up appointments with the surgeon. Both appointments went well. The doc thinks there is still something in his finger based on the swelling, but is hopeful that his body will be able to break it down and absorb it. We follow up again in 2 months. Again, as luck and timing would have it-the Sunday before we leave for Mexico I noticed that one of the stitch sites was infected. There was a bubble of green pus. I called the nurse line and she said to come into the ER and they would treat it--she didnt recommend waiting until we returned in case it was something more serious.

The doc who saw him said it looked like a stitch was stuck inside, and was causing a light infection. She took a needle and popped the pustule and sent a sample to the lab. More antibiotics and we were on our way. I took the liberty of removing the other 2 stitches that appeared to be stuck myself. Our medical deductible has almost been met. Yes, that is $6k we are going to have to pay out of pocket. We dont need anymore medical bills. I even cancelled Spencer's last PT session because I think it was more of a formality than a necessity.

Since this is the week for milestones--Spencer took the hint and started rolling over. I bought him a travel tent/bed for our trip. I knew we were going to be spending a fair amount of time at or in the pool. So, I wanted to be sure he was comfy and in the shade. One day while Elliott was swimming, Spencer was enjoying some tummy time in his tent. Next thing you know he was on his side then on his back again. And so it begins--his active journey. Since he can now move about, we are also allowing him to sleep on his tummy. He seems to enjoy sleeping both on his back and on his stomach. Neither position elicit more sleep than the other though. Boo.

4 months and growing

2010-04-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

All is well here in baby land.

Elliott is recovering from his surgery. His finger is still pretty swollen. The surgeon said it could be from where they effectively broke it, or it could be that he still has a piece of the frond in his finger. The good news is that the infection is gone. The bad news is that if the swelling persists and his little body doesn't absorb the frond, he will need an MRI and another surgery to remove it. I haven't received a hospital bill yet, but I cringe each time I open the mail box.

We also had him tested for allergies--and all things are negative. What we may have thought were allergies could have been a chronic cold. He still is having a facial skin reaction to something...but we haven't been able to nail down what yet. All things considered though, Elliott is back to his joyful, silly, energetic self.

Spencer is awesome. He is a very happy, easy going baby. He is extremely vocal and will tell you when he needs something. He, like Elliott is growing up to be a big boy. I took Spencer to his 4 month appointment a couple of weeks late, but he weighed in at 17 pounds (90%) and 26 inches long (90%). I looked back at Elliott's numbers when he was the same age and Elliott weighed more but they are the same height. Spencer is also a WAY better sleeper than Elliott was. Perhaps that is because we co-sleep with Spencer and we didnt co-sleep in the same way with Elliott.

As for me, I accepted a temporary part-time consulting position. The office is too far from my home to consider anything permanent, but I like the flexibility of being able to work from home on occasion. I feel like a productive member of society again.

I put my Stroller Strides membership on hold for a while because of all the medical issues we have had as well as the drama that SS has been dealing with regarding permitting with the City of SD. I still need to find some sort of exercise outlet to help me lose 10 more pounds (if not more) and we are thinking of joining the YMCA. I loved getting outside with SS and socializing with the other Mom friends I have made, but I also want to get a break sometimes, and the Y offers babysitting services.

This awesome photo of Spencer was taken by Jenna Rowe Photography

Hospital Breakfast in bed

2010-03-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

Post op-breakfast.

The saga of the swollen finger

2010-03-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

A Mom's work is worry...or so they say? Well, I must be working OT. Or so, I feel anyway. While I recognize that this is small potatoes compared with many families medical issues, this was scary for our family.

About 5 weeks ago, Elliott was angry and struck a pygmy palm tree with his hand. He cried for a bit, and was over it. I looked at the wound and didn't think anything of it. It wasn't bleeding, there wasn't anything stuck in his finger that I could see, and he was back playing fairly quick. But, the fronds had spines on them and I knew that one must have poked his finger.

A few days later I noted that it was swollen and he wasn't using it. I mentioned it to the hubby, who in typical hubby fashion, said not to worry about it. I called the nurse line at the peds office and they had me come in. By this time the finger was really sore and he was complaining about it.

The doctor noticed some redness and spots on the top of his hand, but no other signs of a problem. She thought that perhaps it was infected and wrote us an RX for 10 days of Keflex, 4 times a day. 40 doses!! After several days on the meds, I hadn't seen any improvement in the swelling, so I called the ped office again.

We went to a second appointment, and I ran through the whole story to a new pediatrician and resident. They thought that perhaps he jammed it, similar to a basketball injury. But, just to be safe ordered an xray. The xrays were negative for a break/fracture. So, the doc said, in a very dismissive, insulting way--to go home, take the rest of the antibiotics and call if the swelling was still there after we completed the meds.

I went home feeling like I was overreacting and started to question my intuition and parenting skills. On top of that, I was almost out of medication and he had only been on it a few days. I called the pharmacy only to realize they shorted us a bottle of the medication. I had to walk through the dosage math with the tech to convince him that they did it wrong. Some of my confidence was subsequently restored having discovered that it wasn't my dosing error but their mathematical error. But, having to go back to the pharmacy again bites.

During this same time period, I was finally able to get Elliott in to see an allergist. He has had what can only be described as allergy symptoms for a few winters. They did the skin prick test for environmental allergies and all of them come back negative... I am now feeling extremely over protective and wondering if I am being a hypochondriac. Not to mention that our insurance deductible is $6k--so all of these visits and meds are out of pocket until we reach our deductible Yes, SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Elliott finished the medication. We celebrate hubby's 40th birthday party. Another week goes by and I notice the finger is still swollen. I ask around to be sure I am not being crazy and paranoid (this occasionally happens), and I call the nurse line again. 2 days later the doc calls back and says they are going to refer me to an Orthopedic doc. I ask him what his line of thinking is...and he says, that they are out of ideas.

Hmm, ok. We go to the Orthopedic doc on Friday morning. They don't have our appointment on the books, but take us anyway. But, first we swing by the lab and Elliott gets his blood drawn for a RAST test. He had 2 skin reactions to what both his daycare provider and I thought was peanut butter. More worry and panic. Needless to say--Elliott was not pleased to have a blood draw. But all things considered he was fairly reasonable about it. And stopped crying as soon as I released his arm.

We see the ortho doc, who is about as quirky as Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. In fact he looked in my diaper bag twice if that sheds some light on it. Well, he ordered 3 more x-rays. Urgghh. More x-rays!!! Elliott has had x-rays 5 times and 4 of them have been in the last 6 months--ankle (not broken-phew!), clavicle (broken), chest (Bronchitis), hand/finger twice. He comes back and advises me that he has a bone infection.

Um, excuse me? Yes, I heard him right. Osteomyelitis. He started saying things like blood work, hospital admittance, MRI, surgery. I called the hubby and asked him to leave work and meet me at the hospital asap.I was very nervous and needed support.

The doc wanted to get more blood work to help confirm his diagnosis. Poor kid braved out one blood draw, but now needs a second one -- on the same day! The blood came back OK, so they wanted to order an MRI. Apparently for a kid to get an MRI they have to put them under general anesthesia. So, we were looking at a hospital admittance.

Uh, not exactly what I had planned for my Friday. But, ok I am rolling with it. Trying to stay calm for my son's sake. He was hungry and thirsty and begging me for water--and since he was going under they wouldn't let him eat or drink. We end up waiting several hours for a room vacancy, and by then the anesthesiologist for MRI had gone home for the night. We finally speak with the surgeon who was confident that either way surgery was needed. And by skipping the MRI we would save thousands of dollars (see above for insurance deductible)

So, at 6:30pm he went in for surgery on his finger. They drilled 4 holes in his bone, released the pressure, took some samples of the bone and tendon fluid, and stitched him up. It was heartbreaking handing him over to the OR nurse and watching him walk back to the OR with her. Everything went great, and the surgery only took about 40 minutes. We were out of recovery and back in the room by 8:00pm.

And by 9pm he was drinking water and eating Popsicles on my lap. By 10pm he was fast asleep with Daddy by his side. Only one parent can sleep in the room with him, and since Spencer wont take a bottle--I had to go home and the hubby had to stay. I was back bright and early the next morning, and he was already running down the halls and eating a HUGE breakfast.

He received a few doses of antibiotics and some anti-inflammatory through his IV (which thankfully they inserted after he was already under--thanks to the strawberry scented 'special air'). By noon the doc had cleared him for discharge. They re-dressed his bandage since it was already 3/4 of the way falling off...he is a 2 year old after all. And sent us home with meds for pain, and another antibiotic.

There was a slight mix up with the RX--as in the doc wrote the wrong one. We filled it, paid $179 for it, only to discover after talking between us that it was the wrong one. The nurse verified our theory with the doc and the pharmacy reluctantly refunded our money. They didn't have the new Rx, so the nurses called all the pharmacies in our area only to concede to an intra-pharmacy transfer (in-patient to out-patient)...sheesh!

$125 lighter and several hours later--we finally leave the hospital at 4pm. Freedom at last!

Elliott doesn't seem to notice the bandages, hasn't complained about his hand, and has slept 2 solid nights without waking once (something that hasn't happened in more than a month).

What an ordeal. But, I learned an important lesson. You may have already guessed it.

It is to trust myself. I know my son. I know when something isn't right. I know that even though he wasn't directly complaining about pain-that something was wrong. And that sometimes injuries manifest themselves in other ways--like night waking or malaise.

Baby Love

2010-03-02T12:55:00.000-08:00

Remembering back to when Elliott was a wee one--I recall not liking the baby phase AT ALL. I suspect that my anxiety played a role in that. But moreover, I suspect that my lack of experience and exposure to babies in general was more the culprit.

This time around, I am in love with the baby stage. My wee one is the.most.adorable baby I have ever seen (of course!). And, granted there are several super duper cute kids around these days. My eyes are fixated on mine. He dishes out smiles by the handful, he laughs and giggles with ease. He is a great sleeper (this is subjective of course). He rarely fusses (again subjective). What more could a Mama want?

My older son is adjusting well to life with a younger brother. He hasn't tried to hurt Spencer yet, unless you count trying to give him water from a sippy cup or putting the corners of his lovie in Spencer's nose. And he is only slightly jealous of him and his toys. Elliott has clearly marked his territory though, by licking each and every teething toy that Spencer owns. As well as taking several other non-teething toys and calling them him own.

I feel like we are finally finding our groove. Things are getting easier and having two kids in more comfortable. It was tough for the first 10-12 weeks.

Disneyland

2010-02-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

We took our first of many trips to Disneyland and California Adventure.

One of Elliott"s favorite rides.

This is how Spencer spent most of the trip.

Fight your own battles

2010-02-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone always says they don't want to end up like their parents. And then, at some point in our parenting career, we do something that our parents did.

There is an Oh Shit moment.

I had that moment this morning. My mother was, and continues to be stoic with her feelings. She didn't express a lot of empathy or sympathy towards our childhood pleas. She despised whining. She always told us to fight our own battles. I understand that she was trying to encourage my younger sister and I to become independent and strong women. I get it. But, sometimes we needed the coddling. We needed the support of our role model, our Mom--we were little kids after all. We needed to be shown how to respond, how to behave, how to fight back.

So, I have found myself lately acting in the same manner towards my toddler. He is capable of doing simple tasks by himself-putting his shoes on, taking off his clothes, climbing up into his car seat. But, he refuses and gives a fake attempt and then says-Nope, I cant. Then he whines for me to help him. Knowing that he can do things on his own, I have been strongly encouraging him to do it himself. He will then cry about how he cant do it and whine more. The cycle of whining and crying will escalate the longer I insist he do it himself. I reach my wits end, and end up yelling, he cries because I have hurt his feelings and he thinks I am mad at him (rather then frustrated at the situation). We end up in a no-win situation.

I realized that I was not being empathetic to my son. I was looking at the problem and only wanting to move towards the solution; without allowing myself to feel for him and he plight. I wasn't allowing myself to see that he was really upset over me not helping him. I began to wonder if he was upset for the same reasons I was as a child? Did he feel abandoned by my refusal to help him? Am I do more harm than good by not helping him?

So, today I am slowing down. I am taking it easy on him and myself. I am lowering my expectations. I am choosing not to yell, and instead I am trying to look deeper into him and look at the reasons he is refusing. I want my boys to trust me and know that I will always be there for them. My love is unconditional. Yes, they will have to fight their own battles still, but I hope to be able to provide them with the tools they need to succeed.

Time does not heal all wounds

2010-01-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

Now that a few days has passed (or is past) I feel angry about this whole prolpase issue. Not only have I been in pain since the exam and more so since I went for a short run, but I feel like perhaps I could have prevented the whole thing.

Many times over my pregnancy I told the midwife I was severely constipated--which is one of the main ways to develop this type of prolapse. I wonder if she would have been more aggressive in her treatment if I would have done anything different? I also complained about pelvic pressure--something I am sure she hears about with each and every pregnancy--but, this felt different. Could I have been more clear perhaps...

I am sure that anyone who is diagnosed with something that impairs their life goes through these same feelings. I know that I am not alone in feeling angry.

I also feel guilty. Guilty for not being more diligent about my wheat intolerance--the main cause of my constipation. If I wouldn't have been so glutinous and greedy about what I ate--perhaps I wouldn't be in this mess.

I feel guilty about not wanting to have sex--because I know it is going to hurt. I feel horrible for not wanting sex. I feel bad for my husband. I feel selfish.

So, there you have it. All my vulnerabilities out on the internet. I don't even feel better.

my who-ha is broken

2010-01-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

About 4 weeks ago I started feeling worse in my post-partum recovery. That is to say that my neather region was hurting more than after I gave birth, and something just didnt feel right.

I saw my midwife again, and she thought that perhaps I pulled a stitch. I only had one external stitch so that seemed a plausable option. She also recommended I take it easier than I was. While my recovery still was up hill for a while it eventually started to get better and the pain subsided.

But my privates still didnt feel 'right'. It didnt look right down there either.

So, I made my 6 week follow up appointment with an idea of what my diagnosis was. I, of course, had consulted Dr. Google for medical advice. And was able to give myself a surprisingly accurate diagnosis.

The Gynecologist said that some of the pain I was having was caused by abrasions from the delivery. She said it could be painful for a while. But, sheesh, really? 7 weeks tomorrow is a long while to still feel so tender. I can not fathom the idea of sex.

The more pressing problem however, is that I have a stage 2 pelvic organ prolapse. I am going to spare you the specifics. It is embarrassing to admit and now that the diagnosis is confirmed I dont even want to talk about it. I joked about it with everyone before it was real. But, not that it is real--it isn't so funny.

I feel bitter in some ways about having a broken vagina. When Elliott made his way into the world it was via Cesarean. On a side note--my midwife attended, vaginal delivery cost more than my C-Section. Same hospital, different insurance, 2.5 years later. The C-section and hospital stay was $14K, and this delivery was $22K. WTF? The recovery from the C-Section was long, but not permanent. I knew that I would heal and gradually day by day I did. With the prolapse--there isn't any healing. It can be managed, or it can get worse. But, it doesnt go away without surgery. The surgery is elective, and if I have any more kids vaginally--the surgery would be undone. Plus it is a 6 week recovery. Yikes!

Most days it doesn't hurt. Most days it is just there--annoying me. But, today, I decided to start running again. I haven't been losing the pregnancy weight as quickly or as easily as I did the first time around. So, to jump start the weight loss--I thought running might help. It felt good to be moving around. That is until after I was done. That is when the pain and irritation began.

My poor husband has been so patient about waiting the 6 weeks. He wants to be sure I am recovered and pain free before we re-consummate our relationship. But, from the feel of it...it might just be a while longer.

I grow 'em big

2010-01-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

Elliott weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce when he was born (10 days early). Spencer weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces (born on his due date). Now, I am not petite or dainty by any means, but I am not obese either. Unless you take my current weight...the extra pregnancy pounds are coming off far slower this time around than the first time. But, this post is about my babies not my inability to fit into a single thing in my pre-pregnacy closet. .

My point is that I grow big babies-both inside and outside the womb. I suspect this was a contribution from my husbands side of the family, as they grow big babies too. Having a larger baby has many positives associated with it. They fit into their clothes sooner, they are heartier and less fragile, and they sleep better (I think). They are also ready to eat, and eat they do!

The downside is that they outgrow many of their age appropriate things far too soon. For example, Spencer at 6 weeks weighs about 14.5 pounds. Yes, he is huge. The Mini Co-Sleeper is only rated for 22 pounds. Our infant carseat is also only rated up to 23 pounds. By the time Elliott was developmentally ready to use a Bumpo chair, he was too big to fit into it. Same went for the door jumper.

It is also embarrassing to have Mom's tell me that my 6 week old is bigger than their 6 month old. Yes, this really happened to me yesterday in Ikea. I am flattered that my son is growing with such vigor--all because of my awesome breast milk. But, I wonder if there isn't something else they are trying to tell me...? It wouldn't be appropriate for me to go around talking about how small a person's baby is--for all i know they may be struggling with breast feeding or having confidence issues of their own about their babies size.

And while I call my son a bruiser--please don't call him Brutus (as in the Popeye character).

5 week update

2010-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Phew, the holidays are over. I love being with family and celebrating, and gifts...but with a newborn and a very spirited toddler-well chaos isn't far behind. In fact, I feel like I am either chasing or being followed by a little tornado. Everytime I pick up one mess, another is being dumped out behind me.

Spencer, so far, is an awesome newborn. He is now moving into the infant stage and seems to be getting more comfortable with life outside the womb. I am doing so many thing differently with him being the second child and all. Part of the differences are due to way in which he made his way into this world, many of them are because I am a more confident parent, and some are due to his easy going disposition.

I was convinced that Spencer was going to be a hyperactive kid who never slept. But, in fact, it is just the opposite. While we are 5 weeks in, he is a great sleeper both at night and naps. He is rarely fussy with the exception being when he has to poop—which so far is every 3-5 days. We have already had 3 poonami’s—which consist of him blowing his diaper, onesie, outfit and carseat out. He loves baths and seems to just melt into the tub whenever we place him there. He is starting the quiet alert stage—where he just looks around and takes in the lights and colors.

Elliott is still an amazing little kid. He continues to be great at sharing his toys and still has a compassionate side to him. He is becoming a very good conversationalist and has an awesome memory for names and details. Elliott loves all things trains, trucks, cars, diggers and airplanes. He seems to have a preference for things that GO. Although we spent over an hour last night together putting together puzzles (he only wanted to put together the train, drums, car and animals puzzles…go figure).

Our battle with potty training is ongoing. He was going pee in the potty with regularity and staying dry in between. I was just about ready to move him to underwear full time. He could even hold his bladder all night on most nights. He has however decided to assert his own variety of independence and now refuses to pee in the pot, and won’t hold his pee at night. His pull ups were getting so soaked through that 3 times they leaked. Pull ups are just not meant to hold that much pee… Plus, he now has a rash caused by the wet pull up and his refusal to pee in the pot (and our lack of changing it often enough). So, he is back to wearing diapers until he decides he is ready to pee in the pot again. We keep asking him, and we make him sit there still but it is a battle every time. It makes me wonder if it is a battle I shouldn’t be fighting. This is one of those areas where I am uncertain as to the ‘right’ thing to do. Should I force him to sit on the pot even though it causes him distress? Or do I just keep on keeping on, and hope that sometime in the future he will change his mind and decide he is ready? The potty training experts say that you shouldn’t go back, and once in pulls up don’t go back to diapers… But, he is a willful child and doesn’t like being told what to do. Yes, like his Mama, he already has an authority complex. The battle rages on.

I love being a Mom to two boys. I feel like I am adjusting well to life with two children, although it has its challenges. I had a small amount of free time with Elliott. I now feel like I don’t have any free time. Even something as mundane as a shower needs to be carefully scheduled and cleared with the hubby. I can see how this lack of ‘me’ time could build resentment and frustration if you aren’t communicating your needs often and clearly.

Speaking of needs—nap time if over and mine needs a feeding and diaper change.

Too much of a good thing

2009-12-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

If I hadnt dealt with this over supply/over active letdown issue before, I would have thought it odd that I woke up in a pool of breast milk this morning inspite of the super supportive bra I was wearing.

But, since I have been here before...I wasnt shocked. Just very wet.

Post-Pregnancy Brain

2009-12-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today I moved an entire load of laundry from the washer to the dryer before realizing that the clothes werent wet...I had forgotten to start the washer. Oops.

Yesterday I threw a pair of socks into the trash can instead of the dirty clothes.

Daily update

2009-12-04T15:25:00.001-08:00

Nursing is going great. 1000% improvement over my nursing start with Elliott.

Spencer's First peds appt was uneventful. We go back for a 2 month visit.

Spencer opened his eyes big and wide today-his eyes are dark slate blue. I suspect they will turn brown over time. He is becoming more alert and stays awake for longer periods of time. But overall sleeps a lot still. For the past 2 nights he has slept with me all or part of the night. I never felt comfortable sleeping with E. Perhaps because I was medicated post C-Section and my mobility was poor. Or perhaps I am just more confident this go-round, I don't know. But it has afforded us better sleep-for which I am appreciative.

Elliott is adjusting. He doesn't want to hold or touch Spencer. But isn't angry or hurtful to him either. We are trying to give Elliott that same amount of attention but of course that is near impossible. With both of us home it has been great-but when hubby goes back to work I suspect E will have it twice as hard. E loves spending time with Dad and will be sad when he goes back...plus having to share my time with S will be even more difficult for him. I should have some fun things planned for him that will also be easy on me. Maybe Gymboree classes or something like it.

I consider myself a good planner but this transition after hubby goes back to work will be difficult. Throw Christmas in the mix and I for sure will be tapped out.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The one with pictures

2009-12-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Spencer's Birth Day

November 28th, 2009

8:01pm

9 pounds 3 ounces

22 inches long

One day old

Day one and two at home

2009-12-01T20:00:00.001-08:00

We got home yesterday afternoon from the hospital. I was sooo excited to see Elliott. He was napping so we were able to settle in a bit before he woke.
We had a super relaxing transition home, ordered take out and went to bed early. The night was rough as Spencer didn't sleep until 2am but we slept from 2-5 great!
Other things to report-
My milk came in today!
My heartburn is almost gone.
The bloody toothbrush is gone.
The swollen gums are gone.
I lost 17.5 lbs since my last midwife visit.
Squating to pee is a lot easier than sitting and the urine avoids my stitches. Thank you Stroller Strides for making me do all those squats.

My wonderful husband bought me the most awesome "push prize". It arrived via UPS last night with perfect timing-its a Tiffany key and it balances out my charm necklace perfectly!

We put up our tree and Hubby and E put up light.

More soon and photo's.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

11-28-09 updates on birth

2009-11-30T13:16:00.001-08:00

This time around it was important to me to have an accurate account of the events and when they occurred. Partly because I am neurotic and partly because I like to look back as my memories fade quickly when no sleep is involved. So here is the technical update and the emotional one will come later.

3:30pm almost 10 cm dilated past zero station

3:45pm epidural is awesome and knowing what is coming- -I manage to nap for 20 minutes. Time/progress is slowing, I suspect allowing me to gather the energy for the next stage.

4:45pm full 10cm dialated and began light pushing. The 3 hour push time limit begins.

5:30pm they suggest and do drop the epi dose hoping to assist with more effective pushing. The thought being if I could feel more I would be more inclined and able to push. They went from a 16 down to 4 on the epi.

6:00-6:30pm My Midwife leaves to check on her other laboring patients and the epi is almost off. The pain is now back to being intense and causing me distress, anxiety and panic. They keep having me change positions to try and relieve some of the pain, but manage to loose the babies HR . It is also causing me exceeding discomfort. I start vomiting and they give me zofran. Panic ensues-my blood pressure drops, I have a low grade fever (100.7), and the room floods with docs trying to determine the cause of the problems. They even started to suspect the cord being wrapped around him. There was a lot of commotion and whispering.

6:45pm My midwife returns and I insist on being in a comfortable position for me. They also up the epi again and relief is almost instant. We resume our normal pushing pattern and are making progress again. But because of the scare we are being monitored by the MD's and are on a tight time limit-we are approaching our 3 hours.

7:00pm Things are back in swing-I am energized and pushing well.

7:45pm Docs visit again ready to call time on me but instead see my sons head and my effective pushing. Go me!

8:01pm Spencer is born! Laid on my chest where he promptly poops all over me. The cord is left to pulse. And we start our bonding. His apgars were 7 and 8. He got a slow start with crying and took a few minutes to pink up but quickly found his way. The placenta is birthed and the cord is later cut. All is well in my world.

Later the midwife, who is doubtful, but wants to be safe indicates I may have contracted chorioamnioitis from being ruptured for so long and the labor taking a while. They put me on 2 IV antibiotics and Spencer gets tested too.

We are both fine and recovering well. Photos and updates soon! Xoxoxoxo
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

11-28-09 1:45pm update

2009-11-29T07:06:00.001-08:00

9 cm and station 0. She thinks in the next 2 hours I will deliver. They already wrote happy birthday spencer on the board in my room.

I started to cry - I feel nervous and excited and worried - all in the same breath.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Epidurals rock

2009-11-28T12:57:00.001-08:00

From 3am to 9am I didn't have any consistent or real contractions.

When the shift changed and a new midwife came on board she suggested, rather than start me on pitocin or an enema or castor oil, to sweep my membranes again and break any bag of water left. She also checked my cervix and I was 3cm-that was around 9:45am.

Very soon thereafter I began having contractions-strong ones with hardly a break in between. Hubby made me keep standing and walking and I was getting pissed. I broke out in tears several times and by 10:30am I was ready for an epidural.

We agreed that I would wait till 11am and hope that I had dilated more. At 11am I was 4cm and really in a lot of pain. I asked for the epi.

Holy shit-why people labor without one is beyond me. It was painless to administer and I feel awesome.

My contractions are steady and progressing nicely. Its 1pm and the initial pain meds should be easing off and the epi itself kicking over. Then I should start to feel more of the contractions and less numb.

More details soon-hopefully the next update is news of a baby. But I suspect I have a bit of time.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

3 am update

2009-11-28T03:43:00.001-08:00

3:30 am and I am checked in to Labor and Delivery.

Positive test on my water breaking-duh! ... And the 24 timer now starts. Already I feel anxious and under the gun to get my contractions moving and active.

Getting the IV was horrible. She poked around my right arm for a long while and didn't get it in. Then I needed a break because I thought I might vomit. Which I didnt-phew. Then a different nurse worked on the other side. It still feels uncomfortable. I hate needles and being prodded painfully.

If the contractions don't progress and cause cervical changes by 8 or 9 am then the midwife suggests taking castor oil or an enema. Or if I decline those I can start on pitocin.

So far the contractions are totally tolerable and about 3 minutes apart. It feels like a gradual tightening of my lower abdomen. They are steadily getting stronger the less anxiety I feel. My digestive system is still purging and I feel nauseas. Even as I am typing they are getting more frequent and harder.

Spencer is moving around fine and his heart rate is great. I feel a huge amount of love for Elliott right now-hormones? We had the best week together and compared with the 2 weeks prior-i am very grateful for that time. I feel like we really bonded and were able to reconnect.

Jeff is trying to nap while he can, and I am enjoying my hour in between the fetal monitoring to be alone with my contractions and anxiety.

The irony in all of this is that the day before I went into labor with Elliott I ate at CPK for lunch. Tonight, before we went to the Del Mar Festival of Lights we also ate at CPK. We never eat at CPK. Today is also my BFF's daughters first birthday...will they share the day?

When we arrived home tonight I started to feel some mild contractions and felt compelled to show my MIL all the things she would need to know around the house and regarding Elliott. Then we went to bed early. I got 3 great hours of sleep and here we are.

I am ready to welcome this boy into the world. Bring it on. More soon.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Either I just wet my pants or my water just broke

2009-11-27T23:12:00.001-08:00

Nope, I didn't wet my pants! Here we go...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

39 weeks 3 days

2009-11-24T11:56:00.001-08:00

Nothing yet. The baby is doing awesome, plenty of fluid, good heartbeats and fetal movement, still at 2 cm, 80% effaced, he is weighing in at 7-7 3/4 lbs. And with all of the digestive clearing I lost 3 pounds since last week. She also wrote me a RX for lidocaine for my hemorrhoids--yippee!!!

She swept my membranes again which while uncomfortable was not nearly as painful as the first time. And there wasn't any cramping this go round.

His head isn't engaged which isn't ideal as that was part of the problem with Elliott, but she thought labor would fix that. She will let me go to 41 weeks and then suggests breaking my water so that I don't end up in OB care (42 wks) where they give pitocin straightaway...and with pitocin the risk of uterine rupture for VBAC candidates increases from one to four percent.

More waiting. I hope the kid holds off till Friday now that we are so close to Thanksgiving as I have a yummy dinner planned.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Nothing to report

2009-11-23T20:39:00.001-08:00

39 weeks and 3 days tomorrow. 8am Non-stress test and Midwife appt. tomorrow.

Nothing new to report. Pressure, heaviness, light cramps, more digestive track emptying, the bloody show is more like mucous again and of course hemi's... The sucky part of all of this is that my lady parts are sore and I haven't even pushed a kid out yet. Epidural please!

Do I get my membranes swept again tomorrow or just let nature take its course?

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Please dont ask, there is nothing to report

2009-11-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

Nope, nothing to report. More show. No Contractions. No broken water bag. Pelvic pressure, fatigue, irritation. But no baby.

We are trying to enjoy our family of 3 during these last few hours or days. All of my commitments and obligations have been fulfilled. There is nothing left but to welcome this baby into the world. I even got a good night of sleep last in preparation.

I promise to text everyone when it happens. And, I am updating the blog regularly with details.

It was a movie kind of night

2009-11-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

I skipped the social part of the evening last night, and ended up meeting everyone at the movie theatre. I was nervous the whole time thinking my water was going to break. But, alas nothing happened and the movie was enjoyable. I didn't get home until after 1am and Elliott wakes at 5:30am so I am tired.

The hubby and Elliott are at Sea World for some last minute one on one time. I was glad to have them leave the house, but envious that I couldn't join them. So, here I am -- home alone for what will likely be the last time for a while. And all I can think to do is walk around the house in circles moving things from one place to another.

I hate the waiting game. More bloody show this morning, more digestive track clearing, more pelvic pressure and BH, But, no contractions and no amniotic fluid. I am stuck between wanting to just carry on with my life and go grocery shopping and the like. Or just sit on the couch with my heating pad and do as little as possible. I don’t want my water to break while I am shopping or at the park with the kiddo…that would be super embarrassing….but I feel unproductive not doing anything. And then inversely I am tired, and I know what lies ahead as far as work and sleeplessness so I think I should rest…but resting isn't helping the labor come on any faster. It’s a vicious mental cycle. ARRRGGHHH.

What did you do? What would you do?

Am I having a baby or going to the movies tonight...?

2009-11-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

No contractions yet. My bag of water is still in tact. But more bloody show and some crazy pelvic pressure right along with it. My lower back is sore and I have been sitting on a heating pad all day. My appetite ranges from feeling nauseated to feeling intermittently hungry. The baby is moving around like normal. And I am having BH with regularity. The midwife said to expect my labor to start in 24-48 hours. So, the irritating, anxious waiting game begins.

Now the only question is do I still go see the New Moon movie tonight at 10pm or not? The evenings events begin at 6pm with appetizers and wine, then a showing of Twilight, then off to the movie at 10pm. It might take my mind off the fact that I will be going into labor soon. Or, I might die of embarrassment if my water breaks during any of these events.

Not to sound crazy or anything, but I have been saying for a while now that this baby will come right after I see the New Moon movie. So, maybe seeing the movie is just the thing I need to get labor started...?

The beginning of the end

2009-11-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

This morning around 7am I lost my entire mucous plug. This is TMI for even me, but it was huge and red and liver-like. I took a photo just so I would remember what it looked like.

When I lost my mucous plug with Elliott it also happened in the early AM. So, just to be prepared I took a shower and shaved all areas, washed my hair and lotioned up. I asked the hubby to stay home, but he needed to go into work and finish up some things. Plus, he wants to wait for more substantial evidence of labor starting.

It is now 8:30am and my digestive track is starting to clear itself out. What a relief both physically and mentally.

All signs are pointing towards labor starting today. If this labor is at all similar to my first I should be starting light, easy contractions any time now. In 1000 ways I hope it is very different. I will keep you posted!

Alternately, I am trying to enjoy the last days with my first born son--with it just being him and I. He has had a fever for a few days and a decreased appetitie. Today he seems in good spirits and is very loving--telling me often that he loves me followed by a big hug.

38 weeks 3 days

2009-11-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

Now that I am officially 'old' according to maternal medicine, I had to take my first Non-stress tests today. The test itself was rather relaxing-sitting in a huge comfy recliner chair, listening to my son's heartbeat for 20 plus minutes and seeing the monitor pick up on his movements and increased heart rate. The results were normal--he is moving and responding perfectly, though no contractions yet.

I also had an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid levels and a few other factors. Again all is normal. It was great to see him on screen again and take a look at all his parts. The nurse was even able to point out that he had a lot of hair--WOW!

After the NST, I had my midwife appointment. She measured, poked and prodded. She thought that perhaps this baby would be smaller than Elliott--for which I am grateful. Although measuring the babe's weight in utero is highly inaccurate and more speculation that anything.

She offered to check my cervix and I am 2 cm dilated. I am also 75% effaced and my cervix is soft. Since all things were in order, she offered to sweep my membranes, which I happily accepted! If she hadn't offered I would have asked as I am ready to move forward and have this baby. What I wasn't expecting though was how painful the process would be! And the post cramping was horrible. It has been 6 hours though and I already feel much better. Here is hoping that it actually brings labor on.

I am not nervous about labor or delivery--I am actually anxious and excited to get it started. I feel confident this time around about what to expect and what my body is capable of. I feel ready to have my body back, and will do what it takes to ensure that it is soon. My other motivation is our hospitals new visitation policy due to the H1N1 virus--no children under 16 can visit at all. So, I need to get in and out of the hospital fast so I can be with my boys. I also know that I will be asking for an epidural this time around. The fact that I feel confident enough this time around to ask for what I want/need is a change for me. It is empowering.

I need to pack my hospital bag just in case it happens quickly. I also would like to clear my digestive track out and possibly make some additional room. Plus, perhaps a few days of relief for my hemorrhoids would help when the pushing parts happen. So, in preparation I gave myself a glycerin suppository, but it didn't really do much...that isn't a good sign. There is always tomorrow.

My next appointment is a week from today and is more of the same--NST, Ultrasound, and Midwife appt. But, hopefully I wouldn't be needing any additional appointment. Elliott was early--and I am hoping this one will be too!
Lots of pelvic pressure, lower back pain, braxton hicks like crazy, and a Mom that is ready. Wish me luck!!!

The home stretch!!!!

2009-11-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

I have been putting off writing. I think it is because once a certain amount of time passes--it becomes too difficult to catalogue everything into one post. I don’t want to miss anything, but there is just too much to write about without putting it in list format. So, to catch up here is my list:

1. The Thursday before Halloween Elliott broke his clavicle. He ran from his room, bounced into the couch, and fell on the floor (an activity that happens daily). He complained and cried and couldn't sleep that night. So, when Friday morning rolled around--we decided it was best to be safe and save ourselves a possible ER visit over the holiday weekend and called the doctor. A few hours later and his second visit to the Radiologist and they confirmed the broken collarbone. The RX was an arm sling, OTC pain relievers and light duty. Let me say that being 37 weeks pregnant, actively potty training, trying to keep a 2 1/2 year old on light duty and having all of your in-laws at your house for the weekend is no easy task. A week and a half later though and he is doing fine. He is still not actively using his left arm instead choosing to let it hang limp by his side and occasionally complains of pain--he isn't holding back as much as he was.

2. Baby #2 is head down and in position. I can feel this intensely as the pain and pelvic pressure this last week is almost unbearable. As I sit here and type I have a heating pad placed between my legs trying to ease some of the pain and discomfort. Each time I get up, move or attempt to walk I am faced with a sharp pain. This morning I tried to roll over in my sleep—only to wake myself up from a nice slumber with a jolting pain. I feel lucky that I have felt so good for so long, but this certainly makes up for it. I can only hope that this is my bodies way of saying that it is more ready to deliver this baby vaginally than the last go round. If I could predict—I would say I am going to go into labor sometime next week.

3. I went ahead and scheduled the remainder of my doctor’s appointments through 41 weeks. Because I am ‘advanced maternal age’ I also have to start non-stress tests at 38 weeks—so I scheduled those as well. All of the babies clothes are washed, the co-sleeper is set up, the swing is ready, the changing table is back in place, the infant car seat is installed in my car—the only thing I need is to pack my hospital bag and get newborn diapers. I figure that I can do that this weekend (Saturday will be 38 weeks). Once I buy diapers I expect to have this kiddo shortly after. One can hope, right?

4. I am very much looking forward to having my body and self control back. While I don’t mind hosting I am ready to have my mobility and lung capacity returned to me. Although I am not looking forward to dieting and working the 40 plus pounds I have gained off. I do long to put on a pair of my skinny jeans.

5. Our backyard remodel is almost complete!!! The hubby has spent the greater part of the summer and fall working on it by himself. We decided that based on the drought that San Diego has been experiencing for the last several years, and the increased cost of water that it would be best to reduce our overall consumption amount. Our yard was a lush grassy oasis--and now it is a flagstone covered sanctuary. Half the yard now has flagstone and some carefully placed planters. While the other half we are trying to re-seed with low water grass. We rid ourselves of many of the potted plants and that has also freed up space on the covered patio. I am excited to have the project completed, the tools and debris cleared and a new yard to enjoy.

34 weeks and a Potty training update

2009-10-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

34 week appointment this past Wednesday. It seems that all of a sudden all of the pregnancy symptoms have kicked into high gear. Backache-check. Exhaustion-check. Pelvic pressure-check. Hemorrhoids-check. Constipation(continued)- check. Heart Burn (so bad I cant sleep)-check. Restless Legs-check. Leg cramps-check. I do feel grateful that I have managed to keep these aches and pains at bay for so long. And they are only intermittent, and all things considered I really feel very good.

After my Midwife appt. I actually felt relieved having voiced all of my concerns. It was as if what I really needed was for someone to hear my complaints. She offered some helpful suggestions--take Calcium/Magnesium for the RLS and take it easy for everything else.

The baby was head down when she checked, and wants to wait until my 36 week appointment to confirm positioning. In spite of the evidence that he isn’t supposed to have much room in my uterus--he can still move around plenty and not without notice. Thursday he was hiccupping under my rib cage again. We spoke again about options since it is getting closer to my due date and Elliott came at 38.5 weeks.

The options presented if he is still breech at 36/37 weeks are to schedule and perform a version (ECV) where they hook me up to an IV, and attempt to manually move him into head down position. I say attempt because occasionally babies don’t move. They can then place a support band around my tummy to 'hold' him in place until I deliver. Neither the ECV nor the band ensure he will not move again. If he moves again, they can perform the procedure again. Or I can wait. I am most likely going to wait until I go into labor. If I present to L&D and he is still breech I will be having a C-section and if not, I will attempt a VBAC. The midwife seemed fine with this decision as she confirmed that babies can and do move from breech to head down up until labor.

The potty training is hit or miss. Some days are great with few accidents and dry underwear for most of the day. Other days (yesterday, for example) are accident after accident, fighting to get him on the potty, and frustration by all parties involved. The successes are he will use public restrooms, isn’t afraid of the toilet flushing, and his aim is getting better. He can also hold most of his pee all night long (8pm-6am). The not so good parts are he is always wet after nap time, wont poop in the potty, and isn’t telling me all that often that he has to go pee. The other positive is that somehow potty training has improved our relationship in an awesome way. I suspect the amount of one on one time we are spending together is having a positive influence on us both. Plus, me being down on his level so much more, and all of the extra hugs and kisses and words of praise and encouragement. Whatever it is—I am grateful for it.

Milestones and updates

2009-10-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

We have been flying under the radar these days. Elliott was going through a nap/bedtime refusal period where he wouldn't take a nap 3 out of 4 days. He would get up repeatedly from his bed and play with his toys, or run around the house. When I would try and put him back in, he would cry and scream and get out again. We fought like this for 2 weeks or so. I decided to talk with his daycare provider, who in turn spoke with Elliott. And I spoke with all of my friends with kids.

They all suggested the same thing. Once its time to go to bed--the child needs to stay there. No exceptions. So, we reestablished the rules of staying in bed (with the help of our daycare provider). Then, if he got out once, I took a stuffed animal away. If he got out again, I put him in his pack-n-play to sleep. Needless to say--he hated being confined to the pack-n-play and after a couple of days in there, he was back on schedule.

But, then on top of the nap strike-- he wouldn't go to bed without kicking and screaming, crying and fighting. He was sleep deprived and was getting up in the mornings around 5 or 5:30am. Elliott is the classic kid where sleep begets sleep--the more sleep he gets, the happier he is, and the longer he naps and sleeps in. If his naps get cut short, or we get out of our routine for to many days--he starts to wake early, nap short, and get very cranky.

We moved his bedtime to 8pm, reestablished the naps and the bedtimes solved themselves. During the sleepless weeks, hubby thought it would be a good time to kick the Pacifier habit as well. His logic was--as long as none of us were sleeping, we might as well bite the bullet and make the the change. The last time we tried to get rid of the paci--none of us slept and one of us was traumatized. This time it was an easy transition, and we haven't looked back. There was hardly any talk of its absence. WooT! Three cheers for something good coming out of 2 weeks of struggle!

While both the hubby and I are careful planners with some things...others things we are more whimsical about. Deciding that NOW was the time to start potty training/learning was one of those whims for me. Let me explain--we have been practicing the potty for about 4 months. Sometimes he would use it while other times he declined. The challenge was that he would only pee standing up--which was a mess to say the least. Monday, after I picked him up from daycare I decided that we should start training him the next day. I put all the diapers away, moved the changing table mat to our bedroom in prep for baby #2, and repacked the diaper bags with pull ups and changes of clothes.

Tuesday morning we told Elliott what to expect, put a pull up on him, and set the timer for 35 minute intervals. We also went and bought a new potty chair because ours sucked. I LOVE the new chair because it is easy to clean, sturdy, and he actually will sit on this one. Elliott seams to like it because he can sit easily on it and not spray pee all over the place and he can empty to bowl into the big potty. So, we have established a sitting only rule for the potty--and have had great success these last 2 days. We have handed out many stickers and M and M's, cleaned up a few messes from diaper free time and my back is killing me from leaning over and squatting in the bathroom. But, today he pooped in the potty for the first time; which I think took him by surprise because he looked totally shocked when he saw what was in the bowl. And he seemed kinda nervous about what had just happened. We also have taken him into public restrooms to pee yesterday and today and he seems fine with using public bathrooms. Although I am still learning the best way to handle his penis spraying pee all of the place...All and all I think we are well on our way.

Nothing new to report on the pregnancy front--32 week appointment was uneventful. Baby #2 is doing fine, he was head down yesterday as far as she could tell, his heart rate is normal. In 2 weeks I go back and if the midwife isn't 100% certain of his position--she will do a quick ultrasound to confirm. I told her that I was certain he can still move around as sometimes he has the hiccups and I can feel them in my ribs and sometimes I feel them in my pelvis.

The emotionless pregnancy update

2009-09-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

30 weeks down, working on 31 weeks. Went to my midwife appointment today, where I learned that I was not immune to Chicken Pox any longer--so if you have it, or have been exposed to it, or Shingles-please stay away. I need to be vaccinated again, but not until after I have the baby. Sorry Mom, no contact till after this kid is born.

I am also slighly anemic. Iron levels should be greater than 10, and mine are around 11. She recommended taking a liquid Iron supplement that is easy on the tummy and doesn't cause additional constipation. I will try eating more Iron Rich foods first since the supplement is $30 for a small bottle. I do wonder if the slight anemia isn't the reason why I have fallen asleep reading my son books a couple of times. I chalked it up to general pregnancy fatigue.

The kiddo is still in the breech position. We still have several weeks before any action needs to be taken or decisions made. But, I suspect that he will be staying in this spot. Which, BTW, is painful. Every time this kid moves it feels like my innards are going to be punctured. I feel like he could just poke his foot out of my vagina (or worse, use your imagination)--it is that close and odd feeling. And this kid moves ALL THE TIME.

I actually am having some real anxiety about the energy levels of this kid. I keep hearing that children's behavior in utero is an indication of their energy levels later. If that is the case, then I am in for a seriously HIGH energy child. I know that I am being preemptive as well as paranoid. But, Elliott was and still is a chill kiddo, and we are grateful each and every day for it. The hubby and I joked (we don't joke any longer--now we look grim with despair) that our second kid would be a ball of energy coupled with an irrational/emotional streak. More on that later of course.

Other than that, all is well. According to the scale I didn't gain any weight. But again, it was a different scale. I was able to get a flu shot, and the H1N1 vaccine will be available in October (for which I will qualify because I am prego). Elliott is doing fantastic. He is a wonderful person to be around, and I am trying to savor each day we get to spend with one another before our second son is born.

28 weeks and counting

2009-09-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

To add to my current list of anxiety and worry, I can now add a breech baby to my list. Thank you Anon commenter--I know I should relax and enjoy and stress less -- you advice is well received and much appreciated! I am doing much better at taking things in stride the last couple of weeks.

I went to my 28 week Midwife appointment yesterday. On my list of things to discuss with her were my 2nd trimester bout of the blues, constipation, and when babies get into the head down position (34 weeks or so).

You see, I had a strong feeling in my stomach (pun intended) that this little guy was facing the wrong way. She checked him, and he indeed is head up. Of course, there is PLENTY of time for him to turn and face down. But, from my day to day experiences with him--he seems to like being head up.

This is one active baby though, and most days he is alert and moving like crazy from 4-11pm. The midwife thought that perhaps the placental positioning was causing me to feel more movement that usual. But, alas--its anterior which typically allows you to feel less movement.

I am grateful that the wee one allows me to sleep very well, most nights I only wake to pee once. My overall comfort level lately is good. I attribute the additional comfort to the wide variety of yoga pants that I have recently acquired and wear on a daily basis without shame. And the ever growing pillow palace I sleep with. My back is starting to feel the pressure of the added weight, but I am hoping to continue to do Yoga and Stroller Strides to help alleviate my aches and pains.

I passed both of my glucose tests, so I can rest easy that I won't have to struggle with gestational diabetes. The only test left is the Beta-Strep. And now we move onto appointments every 2 weeks with the midwife.

summiting K2--Elliott's 2nd dental visit

2009-09-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today we took Elliott to his second dental appointment of his young life. His first appointment was when he was 14 months old. He didn't have any area's we were concerned about, but we do want him to become familiar with the experience and stave off any potential cavities.

We also have dental insurance that covers some of his visits, and found an incredible pediatric dentist. The office is designed for kids and adults alike. There is a coffee machine in the waiting area with latte's and all the fixins. There is a video game room, a TV area, and a play area for the little ones. Very comfortable and relaxing.

They give new patients an "I'm Special" sticker when they arrive. They are very friendly and allow the children to get comfortable with the tools and office equipment before the dentist comes in. They were careful to close the door when they heard other children crying. The dentist himself took some time to talk with Elliott directly before starting the exam.

Now the exam was something else all together for our wee lad. He was hysterical for the 5 minutes it may have taken for the dentist to look at his teeth. He was sweaty and stressed when it over. He didn't want to look at or talk with the dentist for a full 10 minutes while he counseled us on good dental health, positive eating habits, and strongly advised us to kick the pacifier habit. But, by the end, he said 'thank you' to the dentist and gave him a high five.

He didn't notice any problem area's except for the front 2 upper teeth, which we admittedly have trouble brushing. And the hygienist informed us that his upper lip was tightly affixed to the gums on the top and that may contribute to the challenge. They recommended we floss the upper 2 teeth, but that a traditional cleaning wasn't needed as there was no plaque.

The dentist informed us that he had all 20 of his baby teeth (which was news to me--I thought we were still waiting for his big molars to come in). Yes, I win the bad Mom award for the week. Hmm, perhaps that was why he was so sensitive when I was in charge of brushing his teeth... Now, I have a knot in my tummy for being not only a bad Mom, but an insensitive one as well. Well, on the bright side we are done with teething! Hooray for that.

Elliott had a less severe but still valiant meltdown when the hygienist brushed and flossed his teeth. But was much happier there as he got to pick out his tooth brush and a toy.

The dentist offered some good advice that I wanted to share with you, dear internet. We have tried just about everything we could to get Elliott to warm up to the idea of tooth brushing. He would throw K2 size tantrums when it came time to brush. We tried different locations to brush, letting him brush first, letting him brush our teeth, singing a song, silence during brushing, changing the time we brushed, getting new toothbrushes and toothpaste, letting him pick them out, a musical tooth brush, forcing him to brush through restraint, sticker charts (for many, many months), prizes for a completed sticker chart, stickers as rewards for brushing, and shamefully last: fear tactics of eminent cavities and threats of black teeth. Did I mention education in there also? We have several books about teeth, dental heath and good brushing habits.

So, the advice he gave was to sing the ABC's while brushing. He said the song is familiar, it lasts the correct amount of time, and there is a known end every time. He also suggested brushing with your child post-bath when they are the most relaxed and with them wrapped in a towel, so you can restrain their hands and arms. Lastly he said to get them in the habit of laying down to brush since this is how they will examine him at the dentist's office.

All and in, he scored a 94% on his dental report card which is far better than either of his parents scored on their latest visits with the dentist and hygienist. Next visit--6 months.

3rd trimester jitters

2009-09-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have just been hit by the wave. The wave of realization that I am now, today, in my third trimester. I am 28 weeks pregnant and in just a few weeks (I am counting on only 10 more weeks--not a day longer), I will be holding my wonderful new son in my arms. I am relying on the fact that Elliott was 10 days early, and the rate this one is growing and moving should bring him sooner rather than later as well.

The parenting part, while daunting in its uncertainty, doesn't worry me. I know that things will work out as they should. The gear planning part is what I was initially worried about. When should I put the car seat in? When should I start washing and organizing his clothes. Should I buy diapers now or later? What should I do to prepare Elliott for his arrival? What about the dog and cat?

I am also worried about who will take care of Elliott when I go into labor, or worse if I end up having to have another C-section. We don't have any family in San Diego, and my family rarely, if ever, comes to visit. The closest family we have is 3 hours away. What if I go into labor at night while he is sleeping--who do we call?

What do most people do in this situation? I struggle with the issue of asking for help. I have a large network of friends, but most have small children of their own, as well as careers to think about. I also have 2 friends that are pregnant at the same time as I am -- one is due 5 weeks before me and the other is due 5 weeks after. I cant ask them--they have enough to worry about. I also wouldn't want to leave Elliott with someone he barely knows, particularly during such a transitory time in his life.

I have mentioned in previous posts how very small our house is. Being just 2 bedrooms/1 bathroom and 1000 sq feet--having people stay here is a logistical challenge. And this applies spatially as well as personally for me. When there are things in my life that I can not control (a new baby, sleeplessness, a stir crazy toddler, things our of place, etc.), I struggle to ensure order around me-and that usually starts with my home. Often times this is an endless hopeless battle, but I still will try to fight it.

So many of the little details are now upon me. I need to start making decisions, rather than just pondering the what if's. Any suggestions or advice is welcome. De-lurk and add a comment!

I do my worst parenting when pregnant

2009-09-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have heard from several Mom’s who have multiple children (that is more than one child, not twins) that they did their worst parenting while they were pregnant. And then I heard that the Duggar’s are expecting their 19^th child as well as their 1^st grandchild.

I wonder sometimes why I can’t do it all, why I feel so overwhelmed. And then I feel guilty because I can’t seem to hold it together. I lose my temper so easily. And then that leads me into wondering if I am trying hard enough to be a good person (insert wife, mom, friend as needed). Am I weak? Am I a slacker, a cop-out? I become riddled with guilt if I allow my son to watch a video because I am just to exhausted to explain to him (over and over until a meltdown ensues) about why we limit TV time. I spend the entire day beating myself up for being short with my hubby. I curse my lack of self control when I eat yet another cookie instead of an apple. It reminds me why I don’t ask for help more often. I suck at being vulnerable.

And in the next breath, I am happy again with myself. I am forgiven. I feel like in any given day I do accomplish a lot. I am a good parent. I remind myself that my son is joyful, polite, clean, and kind. I am a good wife and caring friend. My house is clean and organized. Our bills are paid. Everyone’s doctor and dental visits are scheduled and attended. Baby #2 is growing, kicking like a pro-soccer player and healthy. I forgive myself for allowing my raging hormones to get the best the of me. I visit my due date calculator as affirmation that this emotional struggle won't last forever, there is an end in sight.

And then something else happens to set the roller coaster in motion again. Wee, off we go again.

Striving for more or never satisfied?

2009-08-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

It has been said, by several people including my husband and my best friend, that I am never satisfied.

I never took this as an insult. In fact, I always approached it as a positive part of my personality. I think that striving to be better, constantly wanting to improve on what you are, and working and looking towards future goals are all very admirable traits to possess.

I understand however that it isn't meant as a compliment. What they are really saying is that I am never happy with what I have and I cant ever be satisfied or appreciate the present. I am unable to stop, and be thankful. I can rarely be present because I am too busy looking ahead. I focus on what still needs to be done and not what has already been accomplished.

There are several parts about this situation that are difficult to address. The first is the basic differences in world views. How do you resolve something so ingrained in your personality with your spouse or loved ones? Being raised with HUGELY different parenting styles we both have traits and characteristics that compliment one another and also challenge one another.

My MIL is a role model for positive behavior. She has a knack for speaking only positive things, for making the best of each situation and for never vocalizing the negative. While it is often difficult to know how she really feels about something-it is very enjoyable and pleasant to spend time with her. My Mother on the other hand, has a special ability to be honest and forthcoming. She always speaks her mind and you know where you stand with her. She doesn't often take things personally and has a tough skin. Of course, her honesty is one sided, and can often hurt those who are more sensitive than she is.

So when resolving a marital issue--do you ask the other person to change (assuming that a person can change) and moreover is it fair to even ask them to? Do you accept this as part of their personality or do you work towards a common goal or compromise and if so, how and what?

Is this simply about perspective which can be resolved with a word choice. Is this about manipulating the words to affect the desired result. When you are comfortable speaking your mind, is it worth taking the few extra moments to pause and think about what you are going to say and how it will perceived; and potentially alter the phrasing. Or is that compromising your true self to satisfy others who have more fragile personalities.

In disagreements where both sides feel they are justified -- who is 'right' and how do you decide?

All of these are subjective, I know. Each relationship is unique and one can not possibly advise on how to resolve a situation like this for another person. I realize that I am asking questions that can not be answered by any another except the parties involved.

I also realize that when our words are hurting people we love, regardless of how or why, that we need to alter the phrasing and delivery.

So, what I am asking is that you provide suggestions for how you 'make the best' of situations even if they aren't going as planned. How do you see and vocalize the positive when the first thing you see is what is wrong, not what is right? How do you keep your mouth shut when something goes wrong, and look on the bright side? Is there a way to offer suggestions without sounding like you are criticizing the progress. For the ladies--how do you power through hormonal periods of your life and still remain positive and upbeat?

I hope that like parenting, if my arsenal is full of suggestions and ideas, then I can be better prepared to handle the pitfalls challenges when they arise. Being prepared is a good place to start.

Wheat Intolerance

2009-08-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

I subject myself to torture.

On purpose.

Every few days.

It could easily be avoided, but I lack the self control to get a handle on it.

I have a wheat intolerance that causes severe abdominal cramps, pain that causes me to double over, and gas. Oh, and if that wasn't enough add in chronic constipation, heartburn, and bloating. Couple these with pregnancy and you have a recipe for a very grumpy human being.

Yet I still eat wheat knowing full well that I will be in pain as soon as the food hits my lower intestines. I suspect that because the reaction is delayed that I tend to 'overlook' it in favor of the instant gratification of the flavor on my tongue. I have compared my 'problem' to drinking too much, having a horrible hangover the next day, swearing you will never drink again, and then doing it all over-again and again. The cycle of self-abuse (is there such a thing?).

The short story is that I have always had digestive issues. Since I was in grade school, I have suffered from unexplained tummy aches, constipation, and overall intestinal distress. When I started college however is when it really seemed to spike out of control--I was often in constant pain.

I saw a doctor on campus who said I had IBS, and put me on meds to help regulate the peristalsis of my intestines. It helped with the constipation, but not the with the pain or other symptoms.

Then, about 4 years ago, I met Elizabeth. We were coworkers and friends and she convinced me to try giving up gluten. I gave it a try and after just 4 days I was totally pain free. After having abdominal pain most days for decades I couldn't believe how great I felt. I remember it like it was yesterday--feeling healthy and pain free for the first time.

So, why do I still eat wheat products--here are a few examples: bread, rolls, pasta, pastries, bagels, crackers, cookies, cake, baked goods, brownies (my personal favorite), Golden Grahams cereal, graham crackers, most cereals and cereal bars, soy sauce, pita bread, couscous, licorice, many candy bars and some ice cream...wheat flour is in practically every prepared food on the market.

I cook at home with frequency which helps to curb my appetite for these forbidden things. But, what about when I travel, or when I am not at home, or when we eat at someone else's home? Yes, I need to plan more. Yes, I need to have more self control. Yes, I need to be more prepared when I leave the house to resist the temptation.

But what I really want right now is for my tummy to stop hurting from the french roll I ate at lunch.

If you are curious about wheat or gluten intolerance, or want to find some great wheat and gluten free recipes look here, and here.

Let's practice letting go, shall well?

2009-08-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

Weakness and vulnerability have never been easy for me. I have often been called fiercely independent. This has worked in my favor for most of life; having left home when I was 14 years old, a girl needs to be strong. When I met my husband we clicked partly because we are both extremely independent and strong willed.

The down side of being uber independent is that any perceived weakness feels like I am open to vulnerability and I get protective over that space. Being vulnerable for me has always been a perceived weakness. Can you see where this is going...? Upon meeting the hubby though, he convinced me that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable opened you up to people. These here blog entries have allowed me to be emotionally vulnerable without feeling weak or defensive. They have also allowed me to become more in touch with my feelings and have an easier time identifying them and sharing them.

What I wasn’t prepared for however, was my third trimester of pregnancy. I am actually only 24 weeks along and technically at the tail end of my second trimester, but I feel huge and my mobility and energy is becoming more limited. This decrease is physical abilities is tough for me. I don’t remember feeling this way the first time around, perhaps because I was working, and not chasing after a 25 month old. We had both a housekeeper and a gardener and our financial resources we far superior to now so we were eating out with frequency.

Whatever the reason, I am very touchy and sensitive about ‘keeping it together’ and ‘getting everything done’. Basically, I need to still be able to ‘do it all’ or I start to feel weak. And the cascade of emotions that occur if I feel like I am slipping or anyone critiques (perceived or real) my abilities…well, it is all over.

So, in preparation for baby#2 I am going to again practice letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of my obsessive need for order and balance, and letting go of my wretched need to ‘do it all’. Like all things that involve me and control—the best of luck.

Welcome to the family Ode!

2009-07-28T14:08:00.001-07:00

I am feeling much better about myself these days. I am sorry to have left such a dreary, negative post up for so long. The past three weeks have been action packed.

Three weeks ago today, I was rear-ended. After work the hubby met Elliott and I for dinner. And after dinner, Elliott wanted to ride home with his Dad. The freeway was packed from commuter traffic ( we went to an early dinner and were done around 5:45pm), so I decided to take side streets home and Jeff followed me. Jeff drives faster than I do, and he ended up passing me before the lanes merged into one. We both stopped at a light to turn right, and he went, and I waited for on coming traffic to turn. As I eased out into the intersection to prepare for my turn, the gal behind me slammed into me.

We both pulled over, exchanged info professionally and politely, and went on our way. Neither of us was hurt and both of our vehicles were drivable. I have never been in an auto accident, or had so much as a ticket so I had no idea what was in store for me regarding insurance, etc. But, since my car was banged up badly, I filed a claim. The other gals insurance took 100% liability and cut me a check for $3200.

After doing some research and talking with several people and body shops--we decided to sell my car 'as is' and buy another vehicle. The timing for all of this was perfect since our Credit Union approved us for an auto loan on line and they were having a used car auto event that next week. I did some looking around at dealers, CarMax, Autotrader, etc. and then we went to the event. I was set on a Toyota Highlander that I found on line, but we walked out with a Honda Odyssey. Which was my husbands suggestion and preference.

It took a few weeks to get used to the fact that I now drive a mini-van, so after getting over the initial stigma I can say with confidence that I love the vehicle. It has all of the bells and whistles that we need for our growing family, and it gets the same gas mileage as my VW. I think that it actually makes me a safer driver too. I feel more parental and more responsible when I am driving the mini-van-therefore I drive slower and more cautiously.

The best part is that I put the VW up for sale on Friday, and sold it Sunday afternoon! I was saddened to see it go, since we have been together for 6 years. But, it went to a good home and the gal who bought it needed a car ASAP as she was in a car accident that totaled her car.

From a budgeting perspective we have no business adding a car payment to our tally. However, we put all of the insurance payout and the VW's sale towards Ode (my new car's name) and hope to pay it off as soon as possible. Neither of us like to have debt and work hard to payoff loans ASAP.

20 week check up

2009-07-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

I feel depressed and ugly.

I feel like shit about myself.

And my self esteem is in the toilet.

Yesterday was my 20 week appointment, and instead of being excited about my baby being healthy and hearing his heartbeat. I feel this way instead. I am selfish and self-absorbed.

The nurse who weighed me wrote my weight down as 10 pounds less than it actually was. I asked the midwife, and she was like, oh I thought you lost a pound. I said, crap...that means I actually gained 9 pounds, and she was like, uh-huh.

Granted, I weighed in on a different scale than I have been. And i had just eaten at Soup Plantation. But, come on... I thought I was eating well, with some small exceptions.

Except that my clothes are all fitting tight, especially in the legs and bum. Not in the belly where the weight should be accumulating.

I feel especially self conscious because I am close friends with 2 prego gals who both look great. And when I go to my Stroller Strides group, there are 3 more prego gals who look awesome. And then all of the postpartum moms who have rockin bods...

Ok, my bitch fest is over. Now, I am off to work out and hopefully feel better.

The Digger Party

2009-07-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

On his actual birthday, thanks Grandma!

Elliott and I before the festivities began.

Singing time!

Dad and Elliott in the pool

What a wonderful weekend, filled with family, love, and relaxation. Oh, and lots of diggers and construction trucks.

16 week check-up and related rants

2009-06-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 16 week Midwife appointment. Not much to report really-the baby is growing, the heart rate is normal, I feel good.

The only downsides were that since my last visit I gained 8 lbs and there was blood in my urine. If my blood pressure was elevated, it could be an early sign of pre-eclampsia, but since my BP was 100/50 it is likely an a-symptomatic UTI. They will send the urine to the lab, and have results back on Friday. If I have a UTI, its a 7 or 10 day cycle of antibiotics and then back to normal.

As for the weight gain...well, I didn't want to gain 8 pounds in 5 weeks. But, it was not really a surprise given the amount of food I have been eating. Since the morning sickness has subsided I have been eating a more diverse list of foods (including sweets, which made me sick during the first trimester). This seems typical for this stage of my pregnancy, given the weight gain at a similar time the last go round.

On a separate but similar note, UCSD Medical Center has left a bad taste in my mouth after our horrible experience in the ER with Elliott 2 weeks ago. I didn't write about it, because I was so traumatized about the event that I really just wanted it to disappear from my memory. It has not disappeared, and inversely has become poisonous and is tainting my feelings about the care I receive. I wrote a letter identifying my reasons for feeling this way and sent it to UCSD, but have yet to hear anything. If I wasn't already in my second trimester, I would consider switching hospitals.

As it stands now, I am going to attempt to switch from Hillcrest to La Jolla. The facilities in La Jolla are newer and more up to date. The people are friendlier and appear more sanitary (both the staff and the patients) and it is only 10 minutes farther for us to drive. Plus, the couple times I have been there so far were WAY better than Hillcrest.

Oh, and did I mention that we changed insurance earlier this year? We were on an HMO plan for the last 6 years that was great. But, with the new plans being offered we had to choose a PPO as they were the only plan that accepted UCSD. I have never been on a PPO plan, but our CPA/Tax Planner gave us a fancy spreadsheet that demonstrated the company and personal savings we would encounter if we switched to the PPO. The PPO plan comes with an HSA account, and we are dumping the monthly cost savings from the old HMO plan into the new HSA account. All was fine until I realized that maternity care wasn't covered until we reach our deductible (which BTW is $6000!!!!). I clearly should have taken more time to read and research this decision. I feel jilted.

Oh, and throw in an ER visit and a couple of X-rays for Elliott when he fell off the curb and couldn't walk for 2 days and, well...we should be reaching our deductible soon (very soon). Just the preliminary blood tests alone from my first Midwife visit were $2000 (and that already includes the preferred discount). I had an Ultrasound for dating (purely elective on my part) and it cost $900, and the US tech was a cold hearted bitch with zero bedside manner. Add all of this in with my negative feelings towards UCSD and to the HUGE amount of money we will be paying out of pocket (for horrible care) and I am left feeling bitter and nervous.

Where are we going, dear readers?

2009-06-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

My reasons for blogging have changed a lot over the last several years, and that has left me confused with where to take this blog.

I formerly shared deep, dark secrets and feelings knowing that no one was reading. And moreover, not really minding if people I knew were reading. However, more so lately, I have become more coveted about my inner most feelings. I often sit down to write and think about my readers (hi friends and family!), and how what I say could impact them. My former candor has taken a backseat to other peoples feelings and perceptions.

Now, this is a double edged sword. It is certainly a benefit for me to be thinking of other people's feelings, when I so often have been tagged as selfish. On the other side, it limits the amount of freedom I have when it comes to raw self expression.

I also understand that not everything is designed to be shared, particularly on the world wide web. There is no privacy when you publish your inner most details on the Internet. There is occasionally, ever danger or risk.

However, I feel lonely not sharing my feelings...even if it is solely with the abyss that is the web and the few who dare to post comments. A determination has not been made on how to proceed. But, I will certainly continue to post updates and family details as they transpire, but the diary-like nature may change for the conservative.

Race Log

2009-06-10T03:17:00.000-07:00

During my bout with insomnia the other night, I thought a valid use of my time would be to write down the running races that I have participated in over the last several years.

I did the best I could trying to recount the names and years, but I am certain to have left something out (it was 3 o'clock in the mornin' after all). I used the bibs from the races, the medals and my running logs for years past. This is certainly one for my record book more than for any one's enjoyment. But, should you enjoy it...well, then, we have a win-win.

Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot (2002)

Simi Valley Days 10K Charity Run (2002)

The Great Pumpkin Run 5k (2002)

Universal Studio's Backlot 10k (2002)

Santa Barbara News Press 1/2 Marathon (2002 and 2004)

Morgan Stanley Lake Tahoe 10K (2003)

Race for Literacy 8k (2003)

Rock and Roll 1/2 Marathon (2003 and 2004)

San Diego Marathon 26.2 miles (2004)

Coronado Independence Day 15K (2004)

Liberty Run/Walk 5K (2004)

Agoura Great Race 5K (2004)

AFC 1/2 Marathon (2005)

Palos Verdes 1/2 marathon (2005)

Camp Pendleton ASYMCA Mud Run 10K (2006 and 2007)

14 week update

2009-06-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

Now that my morning sickness is gone (for the most part), this pregnancy seems to be moving along pretty quickly! I have now moved on to new aches and pains--the heart burn has begun, but only at night. I have had one sleepless night due to restless leg syndrome. I am exhausted most days--not tired, but just fatigued. And, the worst new complaint is I feel like my back is going to give out. It is twinge-y (is that a word?) and aches day and night. I know that this is likely due to the baby pushing on my lower back and pelvis. But, sheesh, already--enough.

I haven't mentioned Elliott or given any status updates on his amazing development in a LONG time. There is so much to share. He is talking like crazy, 4 and 5 letter sentences, using I and me when he speaks about himself. He talks about things he sees, what he wants, and makes solid decisive decisions when given a couple of options. He knows his ABC's- both the song and he can identify most letters by sight. He can do the same for numbers up to 10. And can count forward and backward. This kid has the most amazing memory for people's names.

He fell off of a small curb in Balboa Park a few weeks ago and couldn't stand on his foot or walk. So, I took him to the doctor and she wanted him to get a couple of X-rays. We went to the X-ray place, and because I am pregnant I couldn't go in with him. I told him the tech's name (Bryant), and said he would take good care of him and I stepped outside of the door. The process lasted only a few minutes and then we were on our way. I reminded Elliott to say Thank You and Bye Bye. So, he says, "Bye Bye Bryant" and waves as we are leaving. My mouth dropped to the floor. This is just one short term example of this kids memory. Amazing. He didn't break any bones and was back walking in a couple of days, although tentatively.

Over the last few months Elliott has grown into a little boy. All of his 18 and 24 month clothes are too small and even some of his 2T clothes are too little for his long torso. For the first time since his birth I had to purchase clothes for him out of necessity and not desire.

I want to post more, but I just heard my sweet boy squawk letting me know his is awake from his nap. So, off I go to guy help my little practice the potty. I love you my sweet, sensitive boy.

Nuchal Translucency Screening

2009-05-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound. We weren't offered this test the first time around, and they explained that this test was newer and because I will be greater than 35 when I deliver, I am at an increased risk for having a child with Down Syndrome.

The test is put under the big header of the AFP test, but it is really 4 tests and they called it a Quad Screening. It involves 2 blood draws at different stages in the pregnancy, and an Ultrasound. Then they combine all of the results together to give you the odds of having a baby with a life threatening disease. The test is a screening test, but if the odds are high enough, you can opt for an Amnio to make a firm determination.

The US was exciting for me, even though they were looking for something serious. The baby wasn't cooperating and it took them a LONG time to measure the nuchal fold. But, that gave me more time to gaze at my baby on the screen. The babe was moving around a ton, turning and moving its arms and legs. It was very exciting to see.

I tried to talk the technician into telling me the sex, but she said she couldn't tell...and she said she doesn't like to be wrong. So, we will wait another 6 or 8 weeks until we can find out.

The baby is measuring exactly on schedule. All tests were negative so far (CF, Tay-Sachs, etc.), and our odds were so slim that the perinatolgist said not to worry at all.

Our next appointment isn't for a few weeks, so I can relax and enjoying my growing belly for a bit.

So long sickness

2009-05-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I felt horrible. I felt the worst that I had felt since my Morning Sickness started. It started around 3pm and continued even as I slept. I woke in the middle of the night, and I was nauseous beyond belief.

Then on Friday morning, I felt better. Saturday no morning sickness, Sunday the same. And since last week I have been feeling better and better. I was hesitant at first to say that the phase was over. But, it has been a week and while I still have a twinge of nausea, I feel vastly improved. I think that Thursday was the final hormone surge before tapering off.

The sweet, metallic, hyper saliva phase is almost over also (I was beginning to wonder if that would last my entire pregnancy). I still get a yuck-o taste in my mouth if I eat dairy products, yogurt in particular, but it's minute.

My patience level is better as well. I haven't been losing my tempter as much with Elliott, and in turn he has been behaving better. It is incredible how much children can perceive from their environment.

With the loss of the morning sickness I have gained an overall feeling of fatigue. One where no matter how much sleep or rest I get I still feel tired. Most days I can power through and just get things done. But, some days it is exhausting.

I feel very happy and finally feel at peace with being pregnant. With both pregnancies it seems to have taken me about until the 12th week to get used to the idea that I am knocked up.

My appetite is still strong, but the ravenous hunger I was experiencing has mellowed out as well. At my last appointment I had only gained 1 pound so far. I suspect she is calculating wrong, but I wasnt going to tell her.

Body Image Issues-- rediscovered

2009-05-11T14:10:00.001-07:00

I have spent my entire life trying to manage my weight. Diet drugs when I was younger, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, exercise, and fad diets. It wasn't until shortly before I was pregnant with Elliott that I learned how much food and how much exercise I needed to maintain my ideal weight. I was finally free of the emotional/boredom eating roller coaster.

When I got pregnant with Elliott I had morning sickness BAD. Except that unlike most folks where nausea makes them avoid food--it did the opposite for me. I ate as if every meal was my last. I also felt hungry more often than before and I felt like a bottomless pit-never satiated. Food was constantly on my mind and I while I felt guilty for indulging, I also couldn't help myself.

When I got married in 2005, I was at my heaviest weight to date--185 lbs approx. I was also running with frequency, going to a personal trainer 3 mornings a week, but eating out most nights and consuming a fair amount of alcoholic beverages. When I found out I was pregnant with Elliott 1.5 years later I was down to 165lbs. It was my lowest *natural weight since High School. And I say *natural because during the fen-phen (or was it phen-fen?) glory days, I was down to 145lbs. But, that was drug induced.

After 9 months of pregnancy bliss, I had gained about 55 lbs. I cant even write the number it is so embarrassing for me. But, you are smart, do the math. When I left the hospital after my C-Section, and delivering an 8 lb baby--I had only lost 6 lbs. I was hugely bloated and swollen.

Over the next several months to a year, I lost all the weight I had gained and then some. I was down to a very happy 155 lbs. I suspect that anxiety, breastfeeding, and a new lifestyle helped me shed all my pregnancy weight.

I was able to keep it off for a bit, but when I lost my job in November and then the holidays came around...well, I gained a few pounds back--6 or so. Then over the next few months I gained a couple more as I adjusted to being home full time. And well, then I discovered I was pregnant again. Which is ironic since I was exactly the same weight that I was when I got pregnant the first time.

You may be wondering why I just disclosed my weight loss and gain yo-yo. You may be thinking, isn't this type of thing you are supposed to keep to yourself? Well, I want to be up front (mostly to myself and so when I look back I have it in writing) about the fact that I am likely going to gain a substantial amount of weight while pregnant. But, hopefully, I will again be able to lose it like I did the first time around. This is my mental prep for coming to terms with my new body.

I have already gained 5 lbs and I am only 11 weeks. I am listening to my body, and it is saying I am hungry--so I eat. The kicker is that I am choosing foods that are not the best for my body or my growing baby. I know this in my head, but I cant reason with my hormones--they always win.

And so it begins again...the power struggle. The best thing for me to do is just let go and hope that it turns out the way it should. Wish me luck.

**the photo is at 11 weeks pregnant

1st Trimester times two

2009-04-25T20:47:00.001-07:00

I haven't been writing much lately. I have been trying to keep my head above water with parenting combined with morning sickness, coupled with fatigue. I have a tremendous amount of respect for parents of multiple children.

All in all, I feel far better than I did the first go round. Most days I wake up feeling good, and as the day progresses I start to feel worse. By the time evening rolls around I am wishing to be horizontal.

You always hear people say how each of their pregnancies are different. But, for me, until I experience something I can't relate. Well, I am here to report that this pregnancy is very different from my first one. I know that each pregnancy is different, but there are some glaring differences for me. With Elliott I had heartburn every day--I ate thousands of tums throughout the months. Post-pregnancy, I could barely eat a tum without gaging. But, this time around I hardly have any heartburn at all. With Elliott I had to avoid juice, carbonated beverages, spicy foods, coffee, even the smell of red wine--however, not this time around. I feel like I can eat whatever and not have to worry about getting heartburn.

I am also not yet experiencing the constipation I did the first time. I suspect it is because I opted out of the pre-natal vitamins. Instead I am taking the gummi-vites that Trader Joes sells. They seem much easier to digest and my system tolerates them better.

The morning sickness, while present, is NOTHING like it was with Elliott. It is manageable, and not ruining my life. My appetite is also different. I felt insatiably hungry with Elliott, and this time around I feel particularly hungry. The difference is with Elliott I ate everything I could get my hands on, and this time around I want specific things.

I also feel like I am showing already (picture soon!)--I can still fit into my jeans but I cant button most of them comfortably. I have been slowing acquiring back all of my loaned maternity clothes and anticipate needing them sooner this time around. Although, I am going to wear regular clothes as long as possible!!!

We are very excited about this baby, but in a vastly different way than we were with Elliott. This time around we have an idea of what to expect, and aren't as worried. Perhaps the reduced anxiety had allowed me to feel better this time around? Thoughts, feedback?

Big Hole

2009-04-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Pink paci broken, BIG HOLE. My son has been repeating that to himself since yesterday afternoon. It was the last thing he said before falling asleep last night and the first thing he said this morning when he woke up.

4 days ago, I noticed that the pacifier that he sleeps with was making an odd noise. I tested it out by sucking on it myself and sure enough it had a big hole in it. I suspect that my son either wore it out or punctured it with his new canine teeth. Either way, I explained to him that he cant chew or bite the pacifiers because they will break and then we wont have one any more.

I promptly switched the broken one that was blue for a hot pink one (I had previously packed all the pacifiers away when we went to just using them at night). The next day I inspected the newer pink one, and sure enough--another puncture hole. This one was very small. In a spontaneous decision I showed him the hole and explained that we couldn't use that one anymore since it was broken and I told him we didnt have anymore. I then secretly cut the tip off, in case he wanted to see it and I felt the need to cave.

Yesterdays nap went fine, bed time was OK. He woke up a few times in the night asking for it, and crying a bit. This morning he was up 1 hour earlier than usual. He went down for today's nap talking about the broken pink paci, BIG HOLE. But, no tears.

It would seem that we have effectively eliminated the paci habit with little stress or feelings of loss. I will let you know how this evening goes or if there is any regression.

**Update**

After 3 nights of sleeplessness, a very cranky toddler, and a weak consitituion--we caved and gave the pacifier back. In all reality--he was pretty heartbroken about it's absense.

Easter

2009-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

We loved eating the ears off of our first chocolate bunny. Thank you Grandma and Bobbotz! The book was a huge success as well.

The Easter Bunny came and brought hot wheel-diggers and real diggers (kid sized yard tools)!

Dad and Elliott smiling before we leave for our Easter Egg hunt and brunch. Looking fancy boys!

Elliott the Egg hunter.

Madeline Spohr

2009-04-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

Many of you know that I am fundraising for the March of Dimes walk here in San Diego (see side bar for details). Family and friends have been extremely supportive, and for that I am grateful. I want to thank you on behalf of Madeline Spohr.

I did not know this child, but she has made a profound impact on my life over the past few days and as you can see from this link, she has touched thousands of other families as well. She was born prematurely. Sadly, tragically, and unexpectedly she died on Tuesday at the tender age of 17 months.

In addition to donating to the March of Dimes, the family is asking for your help with the funeral costs. Please give if you can.

Intake Appointment

2009-04-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

I had my first appointment with UCSD today. It wasn't with the Midwife though it was with the floor nurse. Apparently they have implemented a new program where they require newly pregnant women to attend an intake meeting.

They are offered once a week, and last 2 hours. It is basically an intro to pregnancy and the UCSD system. If it had been my first pregnancy, I would have really appreciated it a lot more. In fact, if this was my first time around, I would think it was wonderful. However, since this isn't my first time--it was a nice refresher course.

My first official appointment with the Midwife is next Wednesday. Hopefully at that time she will do an ultrasound to determine a more accurate due date. Since I had 2 periods in February, and the Ovulation test were negative during the 7 day test period, I don't know the exact date of conception or what date I should use as my (un)official date.

The nurse also assured me that some temporary spotting was totally normal.

6 weeks and counting

2009-04-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

So to bore you all with more details about how awful I feel... I FEEL AWFUL. Not as bad as the first go round-but all day I feel between 50 and 65%. The thing that really gets me is the horrid taste in my mouth and the extra saliva. Yuck!

I am such a selfish baby when it comes to not feeling well. I expect to feel well, and when I don't I sulk and feel sorry for myself and cant get over it. Yes, I am that selfish. Humph.

I also already gained a pound and my jeans are tight. I suspect that weight gain at this early stage is not ideal, but to stave off the nausea and dizziness--eating small things all the time is the only thing that helps-and can I help it that I crave burgers and fries!!! I can only comfort myself by remembering that I gained a lot of weight with Elliott, and lost it after he was born. I hope for the same luck the second time around.

Lastly, I have been having some light brown spotting for the last 24 hours. Not every time I go to the toilet, but a few times. Nothing red, no cramps. But naturally I am freaked out about it, and my web searching only yield people who have miscarried as a result. I keep telling myself that time will tell. But, that does little good for my personality type.

And so it begins...

2009-04-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

I was stressing over the last few weeks about not having any morning sickness. When I was pregnant with Elliott, beginning at 5 weeks I had HORRIBLE morning sickness. I would cry most days at lunch wishing I felt better. So, in its absence I was wondering if I was in fact pregnant, or if something else was wrong with me. Yes, I know that is silly but we can only compare what we know or have experienced.

Well, I am both pleased and saddened to report that pregnancy honeymoon is over. I officially have morning sickness. Yesterday I sat on the couch for the entire second half of the day moaning and complaining. And then, in a moment of weakness, requested that we eat greasy, delicious, San Diego style Mexican food from Santana's. Mmmm, Carne Asada Nacho's with Guac. Weight Gain--here I come :)

Budgeting for #2

2009-03-25T13:47:00.001-07:00

I am a planner, I like to be prepared and I like to know what to expect. All of this is sometimes to my detriment and the tragic loss of spontaneity and the sudden joy it can bring.

So, since discovering I was pregnant last Saturday (yippee!!!), I have been running through the list of things that will be changing with the arrival of a second child. I have also been thinking about our budget and how we can survive with 2 children on one income. Not to mention the challenges of 4 people in our 1000 square foot house, with 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom.

I have been collecting unemployment since I lost my job in November. I have been looking for a job, but suspect that my resume must be tainted or marked with a scarlet letter. Since I graduated from college, I have only worked with mortgage banks, both large and small. My last position was with a Mortgage Banking Software company and while not a bank or lender, I suspect prospective employers don't see the difference. And for the record--not a single call back on my resume to date.

My point is that I have only a few months of unemployment remaining, and then we are limited to one income. I have posted many times about the long term cuts we have been making to household expenses. But, we are going to have to make many more cuts in the near future or I would need to get a job.

Our household expenses are pretty bare bones--mortgage, utilities, groceries, insurance, gas. But, there are still some areas that could use some trimming. There are the (too) occasional family dinners out (usually at about $40-60 each). There is my husbands love of IPA that can not be stopped ($10 per 6 pack!!!). I occasionally meet former co-workers or friends for lunch ($10). Hubby and I usually go to our local coffee house on the weekends for a fancy latte and a pastry, and a milk for the tot ($10 each morning). That is just to name a few of the monthly incidentals. that we feel we somehow have earned.

So, my question to you Internet is--how do you wean yourself off of these luxuries without feeling deprived and somehow like you deserve these things, even though you don't have the long term budget for them? It feels like I am on a diet all over again. You know the feeling--as soon as you start a diet, you start feeling like you are missing out. You are hungry even after you have finished your meal. Will these things just naturally take care of themselves, as we add another member to our household?

And moreover, for those with more than one child--what should I expect as far as expenses? Diapers and Co-payments I know. But, what else?

2 tests confirmed it.

2009-03-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

*Hyper Emotional
*Heartburn
*Terrible taste in my mouth
*Fatigue
*Restless Leg Syndrome
*No PMS or sweet cravings around when my period was due
*Constipation (yes, already)

Yup, I am 4 weeks pregnant. 2 positive tests confirmed it.

Yippee!!! Due date is 11-29-09

Bubbles

2009-03-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Elliott loves bubbles. It was one of his first words. He asks me to blow them for him all the time. He loves them in his bath. But, he can't blow them very well. I am not sure when kids learn how to blow bubbles, but ours cant really do it well.

We practice about once a week. Not only because he loves them, but because it is part of the oral therapy we started for him. You may have noticed that in many photo's we post--he is wearing a stylish baby neck wear (aka: a bib), and if he isn't his shirt is wet. We often have to change bibs and shirts several times a day.

Since he was an infant, he has had allergies. I observed it when he was around 6 months old--his eyes would water when he was outside, he would sneeze with frequency, and he always has a throaty noise when he was breathing. Since his symptoms didn't seem to bother him too much when he was a wee lad, we never sought out a medical or Rx treatment.

However, at his 18 month doctors appointment I mentioned the allergy theory to his Doc. She asked a few questions, of which we answered yes. She took a look in his nose--redness, swelling, etc. Although 6 months early, she prescribed Zyrtec. A few days after starting the medicine, he immediately was better. He could finally breathe through his nose, the throat breathing was gone.

I realized that because he couldn't breathe through his nose-for basically his whole life-he learned to breathe through his mouth. As a result of being a mouth breather, he didn't learn to swallow his saliva. And, thus he drools a lot.

The bubbles are a way to help him learn to control his mouth and lips. They teach him to blow. We are also reminding him to keep his chin dry as well as to keep his mouth closed. We will do an exaggerated inhale through the nose while keeping our lips pursed as an example. Lastly, we are offering him cups with straws over cups with spouts.

It did seem to be improving, until he started cutting a new tooth. Now his saliva production has increased and he is chewing on his fingers. Which means more drool.

All of this doesn't seem to be bother Elliott one bit. Although he is starting to become aware of the fact that he wears a bib and the other kids don't. Once he realizes it fully, I will just opt to remove it and let his shirts get wet, changing them often. Until then, we will continue with our current methods. His 2 year appointment is fast approaching and once it does we will address the drooling issue with his doctor and hope that our new medical insurance covers occupational therapy or the like.

Amends

2009-03-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wish you were a better a person? That retrospectively you hadn't made a particular bad decision? That you had apologized earlier? That you had attended that baby shower/wedding/birthday party after all? That you had cleared the air sooner, rather than let your feelings simmer and boil over later? That you had just said how you felt rather than hold a grudge? That you were more equipped to handle and share your feelings? That you hadn't acted selfishly, and had done the 'right' thing? If only you could express yourself more clearly/with more sympathy/with more... that you would have... The list could go on and on.

My point is that via Facebook I have been forced to confront several (yes, more than a couple) people that I hurt in the past. And by forced, let me say that I wanted to clear the air, of course, and initiated the contact. But, it is a humbling (and somewhat humiliating) experience and one that I hope to come out of a better person. I also hope that it allows the people I hurt some closure. Mostly, I hope to come away with my (old) friends forgiveness.

Have any of you experienced something similar? How did you get through it? Did the person forgive you? Were you able to be friends again? Was your friendship the same/better/or worse? Did you regret making amends?

Stroller Strides

2009-03-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

I am finding my groove-slowly.

I joined an exercise group called Stroller Strides and I am having a blast! The best part is that Elliott comes with me. He H.A.T.E.D. the childcare center at the gym I formerly attended and that was a large reason why I cancelled my membership (there is also the unemployment factor, but who's counting). After the hour long exercise class-the kids can all run around and play together. They even have a weekly playgroup which one of the Mom's host and brings arts and crafts for the kids to play with. The kick ass part is that the classes are all conducted outside. So, not only do we get to exercise, be with our children, and have fun...we get to do it all outdoors in the gorgeous San Diego sun.

The exercise is really helping me get back to normal both emotionally and physically. It is also helping me lose the 10 pounds (yikes) I have gained since I stopped working.

Adjusting to life at home

2009-02-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

Since I was laid off from my job in November, I have been really struggling with my self worth. I feel like I am not a valuable member of my household since I don't get paid for what I do. As if the simple act of getting a paycheck somehow validates me.

I think and wonder if my contributions to my household (cleaning, shopping, cooking, yard work, budgeting) are worthy of my time and intellect. I wonder if I am 'wasting' my degree and potential. By staying home am I setting the best example for my son both as a human being and as a woman. Dont get me wrong, I love staying home with Elliott. I adore the time I get to spend with him and being the person that gets to teach him the foundational and valuable life lessons.

But, I get bored too. I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I am wasting my time and talent. I feel lonely. I wonder if I am teaching Elliott the 'right' things and being a loving and patient Mom.

At the end of every day I have to feel proud of what I do (read and repeat, read and repeat) or else I feel worthless. I am working on how to feel proud of this new path. I am getting out of the house as often as possible. I am taking time for me when I can. I am giving myself time to adjust and accept. I know that it takes a while to acclimate to anything new.

Virtual Valentines Day

2009-02-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

As you all know, we are on a tight budget since I was laid off in November. We don't typically celebrate these types of holidays with gifts or lavishness anyhow, but this year we decided on a very different kind of celebration.

We decided to exchange virtual gifts. So, we would still shop just like we were really buying the other person something special, but money wasn't an issue. We would put it together with the same excitement of a real gift, and we would exchange them on V day.

My gift to my hubby was a new macbook, with pro-tools on it. He liked it.

My hubby's gift to me was this:

Happy Valentine’s

Day 2009

To my wife –

As we have decided to give virtual gifts this year, I have created you an electronic document that lists all of your gifts in sequential order. Enjoy.

1. Breakfast with Matthew – I thought it would be nice to have Matthew McConaughey make you breakfast since you like him and he would be fun to have breakfast with.

2. Then, you would be escorted by limousine to Coronado for a spa treatment. FUN and UBER relaxing.

3. Then, you would come back to the house and we would head out for a walk through Torrey Pines State Park with Elliott and Whiskey. Since it’s virtual, dogs are now allowed at the State Park. J

4. We would probably be hungry. Good thing… because Colin Melloy will be at our house fixing lunch for you. After lunch, you get a private acoustic performance in the living room and a kiss on the cheek from your “other” boyfriend.

5. Then… it’s off to a $1000 shopping spree at Fashion Valley. Elliott and I will follow you around in a shopping cart while you go crazy!

6. I hope you worked up an appetite, because we are going to Bombay for dinner. MMMM… Delicious Dizzy Noo Shak!

7. And when all is said and done… we put Elliott down and you get to snuggle up to me for some sweet lovin’ (pictures too graphic to post)! What a great Valentine’s Day. You must certainly love me! Happy Virtual Valentines.

Now, is my husband awesome or what?

6 years in one place

2009-02-13T12:02:00.003-08:00

Today is the 6 year anniversary of living with my hubby and of living in San Diego. Just thought I would document the monumental occasion on this here blog.

A blip in the radar

2009-02-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

If you missed me lately, it is because I was going through a short bout of depression. There, I said it. Depression. Depression. Depression. I (reluctantly) admit to occasionally being powerless over my hormones and body chemistry.

Every 12 or 18 months I go through a phase where I start feeling down, and then it seems to spiral into a mild depression. This time happened to coincide with my period. For those of you who are loyal followers of this humble blog, you will know that my period was not welcome this month.

So, there you have it. I am back in the saddle again--blogging, actively participating in my life, parenting with love and vigor, and checking things off of my to-do list with fervor.

And I cant let the day go by without wishing my blogs namesake a Happy Birthday.

America's Finest City

2009-02-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

Dear City of San Diego (aka America's Finest City),

I know that we are in a nationwide and perhaps even a worldwide recession. I am also aware that the city's income/revenue is down and tourist traffic is down. I also know that you have had to layoff hundreds (thousands?) of valuable employees and that the city is facing a major budget shortfall. I am also aware that our school lunch program is at risk because of the larger problems our state is having.

While I am not unreasonable...I have to ask where the roads and public works projects rank on the list? I value school lunches far more than our roads, but I have a larger more selfish problem right now, so indulge me.

You see, I just spent $1300 on car repairs that all involved wear and tear related to the poor conditions of our roads. Since I feel bitter (and a variety of other feelings not appropriate for this blog) about this, I feel the need to assign the blame to someone else. And, lets face it--you are as good as anyone.

So, I ask you humbly, please make the repair of roads, potholes, freeways, and highways more of a priority. Oh, and thank you for recently installing ramps at the corners of our streets.

Sincerely,

Darwinsgirl

25 things, or how I over-think everything.

2009-01-31T22:01:00.000-08:00

1. I have moved over 50 times. But, I have lived with my husband for the longest of any single place.

2. I never wanted kids until I met my husband. Something about finding my perfect companion changed my mind. I love being a Mom to my 19 month old son and now want 2 more children.

3. Breastfeeding my son for 15 months was the most rewarding, empowering, self sacrificing thing I have ever done.

4. I have a short attention span, and have trouble staying focused. I am easily distracted.

5. I never wonder what the future holds. I just trust that it will work out as it should. It always has.

6. I am extremely impatient. I have a hard time waiting for anything. Which makes #5 difficult.

7. I hate surprises and I hate being scared (think: Halloween). I don't see scary or horror movies.

8. I only applied to one college and got accepted. I cried when I got my acceptance letter because I would so shocked and proud that I didn't know how to process the overwhelming joy. I am the first person in my family to attend and graduate from a 4 year college. My niece is applying this year and my Grandmother went to Secretary School.

9. I love the outdoors, but get very agitated when my hands or clothes are dirty.

10. I have never had a traffic ticket or a DUI. But, I have been pulled over more than 10 times.

11. When I was 14 years old, I 'borrowed' a car from a friend, who 'borrowed' the car for someone else. I kept the car for a month until a 3rd friend got it impounded.

12. My sister and I have a bond that I can not explain. No matter what she does, not matter what I do-and there has been A LOT-we will always be there for each other. No questions asked.

13. I have dyed my hair since I was in 6th grade. But, 2 years ago I decided that I wasn't going to subject myself to the patriarchy any longer and I stopped dying it. I feel better emotionally, but looked better before.

14. My brain is very literal. So, please, say exactly what you mean or I will misunderstand you. I don't get jokes easily and I nit pick language and word choices. But, sarcasm I do understand.

15. A week before Thanksgiving 2008 I was laid off from my job. While I mourn the loss of my income, I love being at home.

16. I occasionally struggle with my self esteem. Some days I feel confident and attractive, some days not so much. But, what I have learned is that no matter how I feel the most important thing is how I act.

17. My home and work area need to be clean and tidy. However, my car hasn't been washed or vacuumed in months (perhaps years).

18. I had a lovebird as a pet when I was in grade school named Peaches. I loved that bird to death. Literally. I was a negligent 8 year old pet owner and didn't feed it often enough, and I suspect it died from starvation.

19. I follow 38 blogs and 27 people on Twitter. Yes, I need to get a life of my own.

20. I weigh myself --just about every day. Except when I know that I am gaining weight--and then I avoid the scale and go into denial. The denial stage is happening now.

21. I don't mind sharing my experiences, feelings, or thoughts with people. But, I feel like my privacy is being invaded if people ask me direct questions about my feelings and I don't know the answer.

22. Being a Mom has put me out of comfort level more times than I can possibly count--and my son is only 19 months old.

23. I once interviewed for a job at a car wash and the interviewer asked me if I wanted to be his 'assistant'. I asked what the job entailed and he said minor office responsibilities and sex with him a few times a week, but assured me it was a well paying position. I declined the job.

24. I hitchhiked with another girlfriend to and from Santa Barbara when I was 14 years old.

25. I am very competitive, but don't mind losing.

Diaper Doublers

2009-01-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Internet:

I have been searching everywhere (both on and off line) for Diaper Doublers--and finally contacted the company only to receive this email in reply:

Thank you for contacting us about the diaper doublers. Unfortunately we are no longer manufacturing that product. At this time you can still purchase the Diaper Doublers through:

Nationwide Enteral

www.diaperdoubler.com or by calling 1-800-335-4434

If you have any further questions? Please call us at 1-800-262-0042 between 10am-4pm EST Mon-Fri.

Thank you,

Consumer Representative

I placed an order for a case this morning!

Milestones-yeah!

2009-01-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

Brag time for this Mama. Wow, when the child development books say that kids language abilities simply explode--I took it with a grain of salt. However, the last couple of days have been magical for Lil E.

He wakes up in the morning talking in (short 3 word) sentences. Some of the words are only understood by me, and some not at all. But, I can understand alot of what he is trying to communicate. It is awesomely amazing. I don't have the words to express how excited I am about this development. It makes my heart swell with pride to have a 2 sided conversation with my son.

Other things that are making the list of development milestones -- he can take his shoes and socks off, he can unzip his jammies and take the top part off (which is how I found him this am in his crib), and if I send him for a specific pair of shoes he can bring both of them back to me.

I taught him the itsy-bitsy-spider and sometimes I catch him singing and doing the hand motions by himself. When I ask him about it-he gets very shy, turns his head to the side, avoids eye contact and denies it. Then when our eyes meet again he laughs a big laugh-like a little jokester.

He also 'reads' books to himself when he thinks we aren't paying attention. He will open a book and 'read' the words out loud. One of the most adorable things I have ever seen.

He loves to imitate--if Mommy is vacuuming, he needs to mimic me. When we read Maisy Cleans Up and Maisy is vacuuming- he points at the picture and says Mama, and then points to the vacuum and says it.

If I have a shovel, he wants one (and wont settle for anything else). If Mommy is cooking--he wants to help. Same with Dad--if Dad is looking through the vinyl he wants to help.

A few of the words I heard him say today are:

blue whale, Obama, no more pee pee, penis, Elmo,

guitar, fire truck, trash,

truck, yogurt, cheese, outside, poop, apples, eye, cat, ball, big brown, Dr. Seuss, butt.

And because I have a terrible memory--I also wrote a list of signs that he knows. The picture is him signing cookie--a sign he does about 25 times a day.

More, eat, all done, milk, water, butterfly, pacifier, green, blue, red, yellow, play, cow, horse, play, spider, sheep, frog, elephant, dog, cat, bird, duck, carrot, banana, orange, apple, airplane, helicopter, car, ball, book, fish, boat, ice cream, grapes, strawberries, yogurt, cracker, work, tree, flower, pear, shoes, socks, cheese, bath, brush teeth, brush hair, hat, wash hands, sun, tiger, pig, skeleton, snake, mouse.

Oh, and lets not forget that he now runs, climbs, and gets into EVERYTHING!

80's shocker

2009-01-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

On our drive home from the family holiday extravaganza in December I was telling hubby that I was feeling bloated and unhappy (read: fat and ugly). This was likely because my underwear were cutting off the circulation to my brain. I gained 5 lbs while home for 9 days during Christmas. 4 of the 5 lbs I attribute to See's candy, and the other 1 lb is the fault of Peppermint Lattes. I do not take any personal accountability for the weight gain of course, and despite my efforts I have yet to loose it. This is a different post topic altogether though.

In any case, I was feeling unattractive which forced me to proclaim that I felt like my hair looked bad (particularly after seeing it in 100's of photo's that week unwashed or combed) and I was shocked at the amount of wrinkles I had on my forehead. I was on vacation people!

While stewing and brewing during the drive home I came to an epiphany--I would get bangs. This solved 2 of my problems at once!!! I am a genius.

A few days later I went to the hair salon, persuaded the hair stylist that yes, indeed this was what I wanted and walked out with fringe.

I liked it for the first few days. Then, as the days went on I became increasing more insecure as a result of my new bouffant. I was certain that they made me look like I haven't had a 'new' hair style since the 80's. All of my friends were very complementary and have only offered positive feedback. The most frequent complement I have received is that it makes me look 10 years younger.

I could infer that I look younger because my fringe covers my wrinkly forehead--that would make me feel 100% justified in my decision. However, my personality dictates that I analyze it to nth degree. Therefore I have determined that the reason I look younger is because I actually DO look like I am from the 80's. And the similarity and familiarity to the 80's is actually what is making me look younger.

You decide.

Facebook

2009-01-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

Hi followers. In case you have missed me...its because I am now addicted to Facebook. Yes, you heard correctly. The youth that I tried to get as far away from as possible-I am slowly rebuilding via my friend list. What am I thinking.

Oh, and by the way-Happy 2 year blog anniversary to me!

Bye bye housekeeper, hello backache

2009-01-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

As I posted earlier, I am spoiled. Well, make that was spoiled. This week we decided to suspend the services of our wonderful housekeeper of 5 years, at least until I find a job or we make more money. I know that most readers of this blog likely clean their own house. But, let me have this moment to grieve the loss as well as absorb the fact that I am now the housekeeper.

We have whittled the budget down almost as far as it can go. The only *extra's* are netflix and XM radio-for a total monthly amount of $22. I am extremely impressed with our ability to go from an extravagant lifestyle where we once had a $500 monthly spending allowance for entertainment (ahh, the good ole days!!!) down to one income and no revolving debt.

**Sniffle**

Period.

2009-01-13T18:59:00.001-08:00

As many of you know, we are wanting another child. **if this is already TMI--you are advised to stop reading now** I had my IUD removed in April of last year, and after some waiting and regulating --I regained my period. We have been without birth control from several months, and I havent conceived yet.

With Elliott, I got pregnant the first month we tried. Quite a shock, really. We only talked about having a baby for a week or two, and the next thing we knew the pee stick was positive. Talk about a shocker.

I thought that it would be easy to get pregnant again. But, it has taken more time than I thought. And, I have a hard time waiting for things, hate surprises, and want things to happen NOW. So, you can imagine that my frustration level is high. To make matters worse--my cycle is all out of whack. This month I ovulated early, and got my period after only 21 days. Darn you mother nature.

I have been exceptionally tired the last 2 or 3 nights. And along with being impatient and tired--I am also a worrier. Naturally I started wondering what could be wrong with me. Did something happen during my C-section and now I am unable to conceive. Of course, nothing is physically wrong with me, but I discovered something interesting.

You can break a woman's menstrual cycle into 2 parts--the first part being different for all women. And, the second part beginning on the day of ovulation. It is in this second half we are all similar. From the time you ovulate until you start you period is 12-16 days*. This is according to the FAM method book I am re-reading (since I apparently didn't read it thoroughly enough the first time around).

This is an awesome discovery for me, as it allows me to identify exactly when I will get my period each month so long as I track the day I ovulate (which also explains why my cycle is so short this month). It will also tell me how many days each cycle will be. You may be wondering why I don't already know this being a mature woman of 34 (advanced maternal age in OB speak)!!!! Well, since I have been on birth control my whole life; I never needed to track my cycle since it was chemically regulated.

Lets hope that this awesome discovery will help me get knocked up this month! Yeah for biology.

*as with all things in nature there are occasional exceptions

Park Ettiquette-lesson number one

2008-12-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

As a first time parent and someone who considers herself 'aware', I often have moral, ethical and parental debates after returning from a play group or interaction with other kids and their parents. Today the incident was at the kids park in our 'hood. It is semi gated, and we left the stroller and the dog (we stopped by the dog park first) on the outside of the park. There were a few other people at the park--2 Mom's with their daughters on the swings and a Dad with his son and their unleashed dog in the sand area. Can you see where this is going?

Elliott loves animals--and hasn't learned yet that some (most?) animals aren't fond of small children. Particularly the kind of kids (like Elliott) that pull their ears, tail and fur. Along with the ear piercing screeches of joy. Luckily I intercepted him before he so lovingly attacked this dog. I was verbally coaching him about how you have to ask the owner if the dog is friendly and if you can pet them first, all of the things you read about in the parenting books.

The Dad and dog owner was intuitive and saw where I was headed and told me No, in fact the dog wasn't friendly and was a bit temperamental. He went on to say that the dog often growled at kids and was very protective over his son. All the while the small dog was offering E a guttural growl and a nervous demeanor. I carefully extracted my kid from the dogs periphery and said calmly to the owner--perhaps then, it would be a good idea to put your dog on a leash, particularly while you are in a kids park.

I felt bad about it after I said it--typically I am not confrontational. If you are a reader of this blog you will know I am opinionated. But, usually I voice my thoughts and feelings here--and not to peoples faces. The dog owner didn't say anything to me in response. We both just separated. But, I noticed that he did in fact leash his dog shortly thereafter.

What I wonder is why he felt it was ok to bring a temperamental dog to a kids park and allow it off leash? Was I wrong to say something to him? Did I over step my bounds? Am I being to snooty? Would I have said the same thing to another Mom?

My favorite gift ever

2008-12-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

My sister had just gotten out of a drug and alcohol rehab. I had offered her a place to stay after she graduated the program and she accepted. I was so proud of her. She had made such a mess out of her life, but had managed to get herself clean and sober.

I spent several weekends painting, cleaning, and making the 'room' special for her. It wasn't much really, but it was hers and contrary to the rehab--she had a door and didn't have to share it (except when we needed to access the laundry area).

My sister has always been hard working, and high strung. She didn't have a car, and back then I lived out in the boonies. So, she would commute with me to my job in a mall. She found a job working at a food service place, and moved up quickly. The owner took a liking to her, and saw she had potential. In short order, she saved up enough money to buy a car. But, before she did the holidays were upon us. We all were tight on cash, but she hadn't seen many people in our family for several years and she seemed to want to make a good impression.

But, being prideful, she wanted to buy her own gifts for the family. We shopped around, and nothing seemed to fit the budget. So, she decided to make her gifts. She decided to make dream catchers for everyone. Neither then nor now would I call myself a fan of dream catchers. But, my sister made one for each member of our family, printed out a special message in each, and wrapped them up. She once again had carved her own path.

This was and still is the most treasured gift I ever received. The sacrifice, the heartfelt sincerity, the genuine love and purity behind the dream catcher makes it irreplaceable. I still have it hanging in my bedroom window-12 years later.

Each time my sister is struggling, each time she is contemplating a bad decision, each time I want to tell her how much I respect and admire her--I can show her the dream catcher and know that we share the same feelings and memories.

The dream catcher symbolizes, for me, what the holidays are meant to feel like.

A few months later, my sis saved up enough money to buy a car. And shortly thereafter moved out. We still talk at least once a week, and I will always love her unconditionally regardless of her decisions.

Yes, I am still spoiled

2008-12-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

I am embarrassed to admit-- with all of the complaining and whining I have done over the last year or more regarding our budget that we still have a housekeeper.

However, just today I came to the realization that we should suspend her services.

For the record--we cancelled the gardener, we cancelled most of our cable services and all unneeded phone services. We stopped eating out with special occasions as the exception. I sewed a pair of underwear the other day--yes, you read that correctly. We have energy and water efficient appliances. We recycle, compost and conserve water and electricity. We don't have a heater or AC. I cancelled my gym membership, several magazine subscriptions, and stopped renewing for friends (sorry!). I started shopping at second hand stores for toys and kids clothes and accessories. I accept all hand-me-downs from friends and family, and do my best to pass along lightly used items to those who may need them as well.

So, keeping our housekeeper didn't seem like a big deal with all of the other sacrifices I felt I had made. Plus we LOVE her, and she has been with us for 5 years!!! ...except that Elliott still goes to daycare 2 days a week. And, as much as I love my free time, I don't really need THIS much of it. I am bored. Today, our housekeeper is scheduled to come (she comes every 2 weeks), but I am finding myself cleaning and doing laundry because I have the time, energy and I AM BORED.

Now, if the stars align in my favor I will be getting a hedge trimmer and maybe even a blower for the BIG day. Our gardener works through the end of year--and then it is all me with the yard work. I don't have any idea what type of job I am taking on. But, I am certainly not afraid of manual labor (just spiders, oh and any insect). I will be certain to complain about this soon. Look for a post about the first week of January.

I will talk with hubby about this, and see what he thinks. But, if I am going to make 'a go' of staying at home--I should do my own cleaning, do you think?

Elliott - Channel 8

2008-12-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

We are totally famous.

What is free time, really?

2008-12-10T08:53:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in a coffee shop in a neighboring city. I have just dropped my son off at daycare, and don't really have much to do. I mean, there are things I could be doing--cleaning my house, gardening, laundry, etc. But, nothing that doesn't normally need to occur. I always looked at 'free' time like this as a time to catch up on chores that I couldn't do with my toddler, or because I was working.

Now that the grief period is over, I have been wondering how to structure my days and effectively use my free time. I have been slowly taking on more parenting time, and trying to ease the load on hubby. I struggle though with giving up what I perceive as my 'free' time. Such a silly concept when you have a family.

I have never been in a position like this before, so it is an uncertain time for me. I have been working since I was 14 years old. I worked my way through college (3 jobs). I have always worked. I am unfamiliar with how to structure my days, how to prioritize myself, and what to fill my days with that would be considered productive and constructive activities.

The first week I did crafts that I wanted to work on for a long time. I made some holiday cards, I made some magnets that I want to give out to family as gifts. I baked bread and granola. I cleaned up the closets and completed my filing (6 months worth!!!). We again paired down our budget and I canceled those service providers. I have made a pact with myself to be reasonable about how often I will search for a job. Hmm, what else can I do?

The second week I tackled the yard. I cleaned up some waywardly placed items. I raked the leaves. I bought a trunk full of wood for the fireplace. I turned the compost. Hmm, now what?

I would normally relish in this free time by spending it at the mall. The mall is always where I want to go when I have all of my check boxes checked. It is relaxing for me to be outside, wandering around with no immediate goal. Even when I don't buy anything, I feel happy just wandering around letting the consumer environment fill me with ideas. The difference is that 'before' we had money to spend on small indulgences. Now, I would feel guilty even looking lest I be tempted to buy. Plus, I have no self control so all I would need to be is tempted and then I would be unable to control myself. The mall is out.

I canceled my gym membership to save money months ago. Otherwise I could be pursuing my lifelong goal of becoming a trophy wife. I could exercise outside, after I drop the little man off at daycare. But, that goes against my comfort level. When I get up in the AM and get dressed for the day--I am dressed for the day. It would feel exceedingly uncomfortable for me to get dressed, drive to daycare, then come back home, change into exercise clothes, get sweaty, then shower and change again. Seems like such a waste of time. Additionally, I like taking Elliott with me on a long walk in the late afternoon. It relaxes him after a stimulating day and it helps us spend/kill that difficult hour before dinner. I guess I could get dressed in my workout clothes, do drop off, then go home and exercise. I could also hike after drop off somewhere closer to daycare. All ideas that I will try.

The take home message here isn't that I am inflexible (which I am)--it is that I am confused with how to spend my days. I thrive on order, schedules, and clear expectations. Having so much flexibility is not something I can easily get used to. I am certainly trying though. I am grateful to be able to spend this time with my family, and hope to be able to enjoy it soon enough.

If I dont work am I still smart?

2008-12-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am done feeling sorry for myself. My grief has run its course. Friends, you need not worry any longer that I will call and harass you with my sorrowful words.

I have vowed to spend 3 days a week/ 1 hour each day looking at the job boards. I will apply to jobs that meet my basic criteria (as required by EDD), but will only accept the **perfect** job.

I discovered that my career fed a large part of my self worth. When I lost my job I felt lost and embarrassed. I felt like if I was unemployed people would think less of me. I worried that they would assume I was less smart than them, and most importantly I wondered if they would respect me less. Why does our job or career so often attempt to define us? Why is the first question that acquaintances ask is what you do for a living? When did what we do for money become what we are all about as people. Curious.

The truth though is that since I lost my job I have been more relaxed, happier (as in I actually smile and laugh), less stressed and have had more time to learn and explore my world. Thereby making me feel smarter, stronger and overall more jovial.

I don't need to work to prove to anyone that I am a highly intelligent, independant woman I simply need to feel good about not working and the rest works itself out. It sounds so simple now that I have accepted it.

SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER CHECKLIST

2008-12-03T09:34:00.001-08:00

How quirky are you? From the looks of this list, I am a high maintenance human being. How do you rate?

ADOLESCENT / ADULT SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER CHECKLIST
SENSORY MODULATION:

_X __ bothered by clothes; certain materials, tags, seams, pantyhose, ties, belts, turtlenecks, have to wear shorts, skirts, or pants exclusively, etc.
_X __ bothered by "light touch"; someone lightly touching/rubbing your hand, face, leg or back
__ __ excessively ticklish
_X __ distressed by others touching you; would rather be the "toucher" than the "touchee", difficulty "snuggling" with your partner
_X __ have to fidget and "fiddle" with things all the time; change in your pocket, your keys, a pen/pencil, paper clip, rubber band, ANYTHING within reach
_X __ often touching and twisting your own hair
_X __ very sensitive to pain, especially as compared to others
__ __ don't seem to notice pain; get shots/cuts/bruises and hardly feel a thing
__ __ dislike the feeling of showers or getting splashed
_X __ difficulty going to the beach; the sand blowing on your skin or getting on your body
_X __ avoid touching anything "messy"; if you do, you have to go wash your hands right away and/or only touch it with your fingertips
__ __ can not wear new or "stiff" clothes that have not been washed or soaked in fabric softener
_X __ hate to be barefoot or hate to wear shoes and/or socks
_X __ frequently get car sick, air sick, motion sick
__ __ a thrill seeker; loves fast and/or dangerous rides, leisure activities, and sports
__ __ difficulty riding on elevators, escalators, or moving sidewalks
__ __ avoid amusement park rides that spin or go upside down
__ __ seek out fast, spinning, and/or upside down carnival rides
__ __ will often rock or sway body back and forth while seated or standing still
__ __ frequently tips chair on back two legs
_X __ restless when sitting through a lecture, presentation, or movie
__ __ constantly chews on ends of pens and pencils
_X __ smokes cigarettes (smoked for 7 yrs, quit when I was 21)
__ __ difficulty eating foods with mixed textures, or one particular texture
_X __ prefer foods with very strong tastes and flavors
__ __ prefer very bland foods, dislike anything spicy
_X __ has a diagnosed eating disorder or has major eating "sensitivities"
__ __ constantly biting nails or fingers
__ __ bites lips or inside of cheeks
__ __ frequently shake your leg while sitting or falling asleep
_X __ love to sleep with multiple or heavy blankets on top of you
_X __ seek out crashing and "squishing" activities
_X __ cracks knuckles often
_X __ loves crunchy foods (popcorn, carrots, chips, nuts, pretzels, etc.)
__ __ frequently have gum or hard candy in your mouth
__ __ has an "endless" supply of air fresheners, scented candles, odor masking sprays, etc.
_X __ becomes nauseated or gags from certain cooking, cleaning, perfume, public restroom, or bodily odors
_X __ identifies objects by smell, have to smell everything, judge whether you like something or someone by smell
_X __ becomes overstimulated / over aroused when people come to the house or in crowded places
__ __ very high or very low energy level
__ __ avoids crowds and plans errands at times when there will be fewer people
_X __ overly exited/aroused in group settings
_X __ hides or disappears when guests come over
__ __ substance abuse
_X __ drinks excessive amounts of coffee or caffeinated beverages
_X __ notice and bothered by noises other people do not seem bothered by... clocks, refrigerators, fans, people talking, outdoor construction, etc.
_X __ sensitive to loud sounds or commotion
_X __ easily distracted by auditory or visual stimuli
_X __ can not attend certain public events or places due to excessive noise