Blips and Beats

Excuse the randomness of each item here, but I am sleep deprived, kinda depressed at my lack of success with breastfeeding and have a major headache.

• thank you to those who have posted comments and suggestions, as well as friends who have emailed or called with advise. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts, and can use all of the options and variables that are out there. Often times I know that the answers are out there, I just need to explore all of the variables and being a new parent, I am treading new ground daily.
• I think I have set myself up for personal failure (the worst kind, in my opinion). What I mean is that I thought that parenthood would consist of XYZ (see below for examples), and I had a plan of attack for what I wanted. What I neglected to understand was that children are human beings with their own ideas and plans for what they want. Duh!
• For example, I thought I would have a vaginal, natural childbirth. Apparently Elliott had a different path in mind (or I wasnt strong enough...that is another post).
• I thought I would baby wear (my kid wont go into any sort of sling for me (we have 4 to chose from)...and will only go in for my husband. I still try almost every day). This makes me sad, because I think that he wants to be held more, but since he is sleeping so much, I often put him down and try and get things done around the house. This is a catch 22 of course...if he wants to be held and comforted and I am putting him down all the time, we arent bonding in the way I hoped and he in turn doesnt get the confidence and feelings of love that he needs. But, if he wont let me sling him, I am forced to put him down occasionally at least. Again, I need to forgo my own needs in favor of his more often. Guilt over being too selfish...it never ends.
• I wanted to breastfeed for as long as possible. But, the way it looks I might not last 6 weeks, and may resort to part-time pumping. (heartbreaking and of course, I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to persevere and find a solution). Elliott gets so much comfort while at the breast. How can I take that away from him? But, how much more pain do I have to suffer, when there is another option. Again, more guilt over being selfish.
• On top of my own personal feelings of failure, I feel horrible for thinking ill of people who didnt do all of the things I mentioned above. Before I had Elliott, in my head, I judged people who didnt breastfeed, baby wear, etc. Dont I feel silly now.
• Parenting is hard. How in the world do women have a gaggle of kids? I can barely manage one.
• I stole the title of this post from a CD my husband put together while he was in a CD Club.
• Could this breastfeeding problem I am having be Thrush? His tongue doesnt look white, but the other symptoms are spot on for me.
• I dont have time to talk on the phone for long periods of time, and I think I am alienating myself from friends and family who are far away. When Elliott is sleeping, I want to sleep or do chores, or use the restroom, or check email, or eat. I dont want to talk on the phone. Which doesnt help my relationships that are far away. Please dont take it personal. This time I have home with Elliott is so short, that I want to make sure I am present with him as often as possible. I dont want to be on the phone, and not give him my undivided attention.
• In spite of all the parenting woes, I still want to stay home from work full time. I cant imagine leaving my little man in the hands and care of anyone else. I dont even like to let anyone else hold him for very long. I feel very protective over him. But, financially know that it is impossible to stay home. I dont even know if my employer will let me work part-time.
• By not staying home and I prioritizing correctly? After reading this post, I wonder if we need to bite the bullet and realign our priorities more in favor of what is most important (our family unit) to us. The fact that the decision is so difficult, makes me bitter again. Prioritizing a family shouldn't be so difficult especially when $$$ is the motivator for our decisions.
• Elliott is thriving, in spite of my boob blunders. He weighed in at 12 lbs and some change yesterday at the BF Support Group. He is gaining about a pound a week. I am very grateful to have a baby who is gaining weight so well. It is a mixed blessing.
• I thought I may have torn my incision. It was red, leaking some fluid and had a couple of drops of blood. I had it checked though, and the midwife said it was healing nicely, and she thought that a piece of skin just grew lightly over it, and tore back.
• My good friend had to put her 3 year old dog to sleep over the weekend, and I am very sad for her and her hubby.
• Sorry to any of those who I have depressed or whose day I ruined with this rambling depressed post.
• Have a great Hump Day.