Weakness and vulnerability have never been easy for me. I have often been called fiercely independent. This has worked in my favor for most of life; having left home when I was 14 years old, a girl needs to be strong. When I met my husband we clicked partly because we are both extremely independent and strong willed.
The down side of being uber independent is that any perceived weakness feels like I am open to vulnerability and I get protective over that space. Being vulnerable for me has always been a perceived weakness. Can you see where this is going...? Upon meeting the hubby though, he convinced me that allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable opened you up to people. These here blog entries have allowed me to be emotionally vulnerable without feeling weak or defensive. They have also allowed me to become more in touch with my feelings and have an easier time identifying them and sharing them.
What I wasn’t prepared for however, was my third trimester of pregnancy. I am actually only 24 weeks along and technically at the tail end of my second trimester, but I feel huge and my mobility and energy is becoming more limited. This decrease is physical abilities is tough for me. I don’t remember feeling this way the first time around, perhaps because I was working, and not chasing after a 25 month old. We had both a housekeeper and a gardener and our financial resources we far superior to now so we were eating out with frequency.
Whatever the reason, I am very touchy and sensitive about ‘keeping it together’ and ‘getting everything done’. Basically, I need to still be able to ‘do it all’ or I start to feel weak. And the cascade of emotions that occur if I feel like I am slipping or anyone critiques (perceived or real) my abilities…well, it is all over.
So, in preparation for baby#2 I am going to again practice letting go. Letting go of control, letting go of my obsessive need for order and balance, and letting go of my wretched need to ‘do it all’. Like all things that involve me and control—the best of luck.
1 comment:
That is a good plan. I can tell you from experience, if you don't learn to let go (at least a little) you just might go crazy. With two kids, some days it takes everything to keep up. To forget about it for a day and just have fun with the kids makes it all worthwhile.
I think you and I might be alike in many ways. I still have a hard time letting go sometimes. For example, it is difficult to let my husband truly take over (from having him dress the kids to fixing their lunch). I like it done MY way. Once I realized that it is ok for Amelia to wear outfits that don't match, life seemed a little bit easier (if not a little humorous).
Good luck. I know that you are getting to a tough part of your pregnancy. Hopefully, I will see you soon.
Hey... identifying the need to let go is a big step in the right direction.
Post a Comment