Yesterday marked 6 months since Spencer's birth.
6 months since my vagina was intact. Yes, we are talking about it again. Vagina, Vagina, Vagina.
I have been forced to alter my life to accommodate my new physical limitations. I had to suspend my Stroller Strides membership because I couldn't walk without major pain, let alone run. I could no longer stand for extended periods of time. I couldn't sit cross-legged, on uneven or hard surfaces any longer. Wearing tight fitting clothes was out, and let's face it now that I have had 2 kids--all my clothes are tight fitting...
The first doctor visit was 10 or so days post delivery. I felt like something wasn't healing right. She said I was rushing it and to take it easy.
The second visit was for my 6 week follow up. Again, I noted the pain and discomfort. The GYN said take it easy. Sometimes healing takes a while. The pain was likely a result of the prolapse. Come back in 4-6 months for a follow up.
During the last few months I have made adjustments. I have been in almost constant discomfort in one way or another. I have lost sleep over not being able to have anymore kids because of the pain. I have contemplated surgery even though I wouldn't be able to pick up my kids for 6 weeks or more. I have cried. But, mostly I have been silent. I shared on this blog and with a few people. But, mostly I have been silent about it since that is what you are supposed to do.
You aren't supposed to talk about your vagina.
Yesterday, I went to a specialist whose emphasis is in pelvic floor disorders. He took one look at me and was shocked. He couldn't believe that I hadn't been diagnosed before. He was shocked that I went so long without treatment. He said that most of my discomfort could be eliminated with a procedure he could do right now. He couldn't guarantee that one treatment would eliminate the problem but he was certain that it would make me feel better than I felt.
He said my prolapse was normal. He said I could have 10 more kids if I wanted.
I started to cry. My legs in stirrups - spreadeagled and I was crying. The nurse put her hand on my leg and brought me the box of tissues. I was that girl.
I felt so relieved. A painless application of silver nitrate and I was good to go. If I wasn't healed in 2 weeks to make another appointment.
I also felt stupid. And angry. And silly. I endured 6 months of pain and silent embarrassment when all I needed was some silver nitrate and a competent doctor.
Exuberant granulation tissue.
All of this isn't to say that I am 100% healed. I still have a minor prolapse. And I may still need an office visit to surgically remove the extra tissue. But, I already feel better today both knowing the true cause of my pain and knowing that it can be treated.
Lessons learned- Trust my body. Trust my instincts. Trust myself. Don't blindly trust doctors. Don't be ashamed of my body--broken or not.