What's up?

I have spoken about our neighbors before, and how generous they are. Yesterday, I was lucky enough to be invited to see Mama Mia. I of course accepted, and hubby was nice enough to stay home with Elliott. It was great and I had a blast. I love musicals, and this one was exceptional.

We are also preparing for our first out of town trip with Elliott. He will make his first airplane voyage at just over 8 weeks old. Wish us luck. In the last few days, he has begun to smile. I am having a hard time capturing it on film, but I keep trying. It is melting my heart to see. He is growing up so fast. *sniffle*

I also found out that COBRA will cost us $591.69 a month. So, I am looking into how much it would cost us to be added to Jeff's insurance, and then I need to verify that we can keep our current medical group, etc. Ohh, the joys of the medical bureaucracy.

I heart Craigslist. I am addicted to it. I am never buying anything new again, without first looking on craigslist to see if I can buy it used. Yesterday I bought a snap and go stroller for $10!!! Last week I bought 2 Maya Wrap slings for $20. Just with these two purchases alone, I saved over $125.

Public Speaking

I was the kid in grade school who when the teacher asked a question to the class, and was looking around for someone to raise their hand, or worse yet to call on randomly...I intentionally would not make eye contact, and try to look like I was looking for the answer. I never wanted to be called on in class, not even if I did know the answer. I would rarely raise my hand. When we had to read from our books out loud, I would count the number of kids in front of me, and count the paragraphs so I knew which one I would be reading. Then I would read and re-read it to myself, so I could be sure I read it well aloud. I never heard what the other kids read, because I was too busy 'preparing' for my oral performance. I would get very nervous when it was my turn, turn all red in the face, and hope that I did well and didnt pronounce any words incorrectly. I was relieved when my turn was over, and could finally relax and breathe easy.

This anxiety carried over into Junior High and High School. In Spanish class, I would dread having to recite Spanish words out loud. I would be mortified if I pronounced the word incorrectly. It was humiliating for me to not know the vocab words, and forget having a Spanish conversation...I just couldnt do it.

In college, I was a Cultural Anthropology major. I transferred in as a Junior, so most of my classes were upper division courses. As such, many of them were very small classes, some as few as 8 students. These classes were a double edged sword. You got the rare opportunity to truly learn from a professor and not use a syllabus. These were Professors whose work you very much admired. But, you also were often required to talk in class. These classes were a huge contrast to classes such as my Human Anatomy class, which had 850 students in it, 12 teachers aides, and it was recorded just in case you didnt make it to class that day.

One class I took was an upper division course with Brian Fagan, who basically wrote the basic Cultural Anthro book that many Universities and Colleges use. The class was one of those awesome classes, with just 8 students. I was in awe of Dr. Fagan. I loved his teaching style, I admired his work as an Anthropologist, and he was remarkably easy to talk to. After a few classes, he laid out the quarters coursework... The whole class grade was based on 4 oral presentations, memorized, 15 minutes long. He didnt want to have to read or grade anything. I was in agony. I needed this class to graduate. I was on a tight schedule, if I wanted to graduate in 6 quarters. I couldnt drop the class, and find another take its place (it was too late in the quarter).

I cried. I went home and cried. When it came time for me do my first presentation, I went into Dr. Fagan's office and cried. Yup, it is true. I cried in his office, explaining my absolute fear of public speaking. He was very kind and listened attentively, and seemed to understand. But, he was not flexible on the requirements. I gave my speeches with note cards, and for that I received a B in the class.

I have always had this fear of speaking out in public settings. I am by no means shy. I am very outspoken and have pretty strong opinions about things. I just dont like to give prepared talks in front of people, or being called out in public. I am afraid that people will think I am stupid. Yup, that is the truth. I am afraid of being judged by others.

My FIL is involved in Rotary and as such gives speeches with ease, and often. When my hubby was little, he and his Dad prepared a speech (I think it was about Abe Lincoln) that was so good they were asked to go around to all the schools and perform the speech. They both speak publicly with ease. My MIL is a teacher, no problems speaking there. My Uncle is a musician...no problem speaking in public there either. I even suffered from anxiety speaking at my own wedding!

Last year, I scheduled an interview with my now boss. He explained that the job required someone who understood and could train users on our software and could integrate companies business model into the training. Industry knowledge was a given. Also required was the ability to talk in public...duh! Anyone who is a trainer needs to have the ability to speak in front of a group. I didnt tell him about my fears. I figured that I would use this to strong arm me into becoming more comfortable with my voice. I was successful in forcing myself to become comfortable in this environment, and more at ease with speaking in public. It is also easier to do when you know what you are talking about, and have given the same talk over and over.

I still struggle however when I am put on the spot, and with speaking in public depending on the scenario. I have been forced to think about why I have these long standing issues is as a result of a conflict I am having with my hubbys best friend. We have a communication problem. The problem is that he asks very direct questions (often ones that are about my feelings-argh!), and these questions put me on the spot. I immediately feel embarrassed and defensive, and I get nervous. He doesnt mean to make me feel this way of course, although he is a teacher in real life. I think he is truly curious about my answer, and hopes to get to know me better as a result.

Because I am already nervous about being asked a question that I havent thought about before, or know how to answer...I cant think quickly. I already suffer from the inability to think and process things quickly. I need TIME to sort through my feelings, and consider all the variables. For me, it can take weeks to come to terms with some things, and be able to articulate my feelings. Hence the reason I blog. I can take however long I need to to formulate and write out my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, I always answer the questions. Because if I didnt I would feel stupid. However, the answers aren't really how/why I feel about the question. They are spontaneous replies, and not at all how I would answer had I taken the time to think about it. But, for fear of looking stupid and not knowing the answer --I always say something. This conversational habit we have gotten into has left me feeling uncomfortable talking with this person. And over time I have become bitter and angry towards this person. Of course, this has caused a lot of strife for both me and my hubby.

I would have liked to have realized earlier that the cause of my grief was simply my inability to say-hmm, let me think about that and get back with ya. But, again...I am slow processor of info and feelings. I felt powerless in the conversations. I could have also just explained that I dont like being put on the spot...blah blah blah. But, that would have been too easy. I had to complicate it. Silly, really the whole thing now looking back.

What fun it is going to be to try and move past this one...

Part-time Mama

My bosses, reluctantly, approved my request to work part-time when I return from Maternity Leave. Woot!

I feel pretty relieved to be able to be home with Elliott 2 week days, and only have to work 3 days. Hubby will also be taking off 1 day a week to be with Elliott. The other 2 days we will have a nanny come to the house and watch him. I feel like this is the best decision for all parties.

If I would have stayed home, and not gone back to work...I suspect that I would have resented it. More directed towards my husband than anything. Just over the last few weeks, I have noticed and observed some behaviors and feelings that I didnt think would permeate my thought cavity. For example-if my husband is the sole financial provider...he would be under a lot of stress top provide for us, and need to work all the time to feel comfortable and confident that he is doing just that. I would become resentful that he is working too much, and not spending enough time with his son and I. He would then feel more stressed out, and not be any fun to be around. Thereby perpetuating a vicious cycle of disappointment and anger. Another scenario would be one where I am home all day with Elliott taking care of him, and doing household chores. Once my husband came home from work, I would expect to get a break from kid duty. But, if he was tired too, or had to work late, or wanted to go out with the boys or to a game...I could become bitter and resentful at being 'stuck in the house'. Neither of these situations speak to the stressors that are associated with not being a financial contributor anymore either. There are an entirely new set of worries that I dont even want to think about.

So, being a part-time professional and a full-time Mommy seems to be the best thing for me and my family right now. The time that I am away from my career and the work force in the grand scheme of my working lifetime is minuscule, and the impact will hopefully be small. But the impact of me being home with Elliott I think is going to be grand.

There are some practical things to work out of course. Since I will not be working more than 30 hours, I no longer will qualify for medical/dental/vision insurance. So, they will have to offer me COBRA, which we will pay out of pocket...at the low, low price of $500 for the 2 of us. Yikes, is right. But, either I pay it, or hubby pays it. Either way it has to get paid. Then, when I go back to work full-time, the company will pick up the cost again.

We also have to budget for the loss of my income and the nanny's salary. Plus, should we ever want to go out sans kiddo, we need to factor in childcare costs.

The benefits to the company are that I will likely not need to take off too much work to attend doctors appointments and the like, since I will be home 2 days a week. I can schedule most of those things on the days I am home. And since I will only be in the office 20 odd hours a week, I will be forced to be efficient and very time conscious. That can only be good for the company!

So, I have been communicating via email and phone conversations with my bosses, and while they want me to wait until the end of September to commit to anything (I imagine for fear of committing and then changing my mind...), I am already starting to plan in my head for my return (boo hoo only 5 more weeks). I put my re-start date on the calendar and the nanny's start date on the calendar for the week prior.

Things that I have to prepare or get ready before I go back:
a new budget
a pumping schedule for Elliott and for my donations
Elliott's schedule (as soon as he has one...add that to the list too)
Lose 15 more pounds so that my work clothes fit again (lose another 30 after that to look good)
keep training for the Mud Run so I dont look and act the fool at the race

2 month check-up

Elliott had his 2 month check up today. It was a little earlier than originally planned, due to the fact that he needed to get his vaccinations before we travel to SF at the end of the month.

He did a great job handling the shots. He cried for wee bit right after they were injected, but then settled down pretty quickly. I breastfeed him right away, and then he fell asleep in the sling and subsequently the car seat. I think it caused his Dad and I more stress than it did him.

He also got a stellar report card from the pediatric doc. He is at or above the 95th percentile for all things-height, weight and head circumference. All his reflexes are in line. She also put our worry to rest that he was gaining and growing to quickly. She said they look for steady growth over time and showed me the chart they plot it on. She also confirmed that he looked very healthy, and to keep up the good work. Big yippee- she signed off on me being able to donate milk certifying that Elliott was healthy and not wanting for milk.

All and all, a very good visit.

Weekend Update

Another weekend is coming to a close. Which means another week of my maternity leave has slipped by. And that ultimately means that Elliott is another week older. He is 7 weeks old today, and he is growing so quickly *Sniffle*!

It is a double edged sword. I get excited every day they he makes a new noise or facial gesture, and yet I know that it means that we are one day older than the day before. *sigh* His hair is turning strawberry blond, and he has the cutest orangy colored eyebrows. He has started to make like squeak sounds, and is cooing. He loves to take baths, and hates to have his clothes changed. We have our 2 month check-up on Tuesday, which we aren't looking forward to.

We went to our first of many baseball game on Friday night as a family. Elliott was decked out in Padre gear, and slept through the entire game in the sling. What a rock star.

World Clock

http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf

Thank you Thursday

Hubby and I were talking yesterday about how lucky were are to have such great friends. We are also amazed at how generous people can be, without ever asking for anything in return. I think we are exceptionally lucky to be surrounded by such awesome peeps. So much so that I want to share a few examples.

Hubby and I were recounting the weekend, and how on a moments notice our friends from home opened up their homes to the 3 of us and the bup-scout, prepared us a delicious meal, gave us glass after glass of tasty homemade beer, and cancelled their existing plans to hang out with us. Now that is coolness.

The reason we went home was for my best friends 33rd birthday. Ever since I can remember we have celebrated our birthdays together. So, this year with the babe and all- and the 3 hour drive home (turned 5 hours this trip due to traffic), we thought we were going to miss out. But, hubby thought it would be a great idea to surprise him and drive home. We did just that, and surprised him alright. We also crashed what was planned as a family b-day party. Oops. But, since I have known the family for 18 years...they allowed it. Food, friends and fun. Again, a great time.

We were also remembering how endlessly generous some people are. Hubby has a couple of friends that live in the hood. These folks are always stopping by with wine, inviting us over for dinner and drinks, and offering to watch the little man. In my mind, they also did the nicest thing for us after the baby was born--they baked a HUGE lasagna and dropped it off. No visiting required, no questions asked. Just a wonderful homemade meal, ready to be baked and eaten-now that is awesomely old school.

Our other friends stocked our fridge with Bar Mitvah leftovers so that when we returned from the hospital we had food to eat. They also decorated the house, and made it festive for our return.

Our neighbors across the street are always stopping by to see if we need anything from the store, or Target, or if we want to come by for dinner or drinks. An endless amount of generosity from people we just met a few months ago.

I am also grateful for the incredible amount of baby gifts we got in the mail AFTER Elliott was born. I also had no idea that when people came to visit that they would bring such wonderful gifts.

These are just a few of things I have on my mind today that I am thankful for. I am feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude for the people I have in my life.

Cleared for takeoff

I had my 6 week post-partum follow up appointment with my Midwife yesterday. All is well, my incision is healing nicely. I am clear for exercise and sex. My breasts and nipples look good, and (drum roll please....) they didnt ask me if I had help at home. Maybe by now they know that I dont.

I also decided to have an IUD placed, so that for a bit I am safe from worrying about getting pregnant again. Even though, if I am exclusively breastfeeding, I should be pretty safe...you can never be too sure. What a process the IUD placement was. Apparently my cervix is oddly placed, and it took the midwife and an assistant both working down under to get a clear sight path. All the while, I had Elliott on my chest trying to pacify him (he was a crank pot yesterday), trying not to move so they wouldn't botch the procedure.

I also sent the email to my employer to request a part-time gig. My immediate boss wrote back and said that once he discusses it with the 2 owners, he will call me to discuss. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I have been milking (no pun) the whole 6 weeks no exercise thing, and havent really done too much in the way of physical activity. But, since I now have no more excuses as to why I havent lost all my pregnancy weight (30 pounds down, 15 more pounds to go)...I got off my rump and went for a 2 mile walk this AM with the kiddo and pooch in tow. We walked often when I was pregnant and recovering. But, now I have to get serious.

It was a good feeling to be out and about again, and it was still early enough that it wasnt too muggy. The humidity here is a killer lately, and we dont have AC. Part of my motivation is also the fact that in October, my work sponsors us in the Mud Run. We are competing against our times last year, and for every minute we finish faster than our time last year, they will pay us $100!!! Last year I completed it in 95 minutes, and made $550 (the prize last year was $50 per minute). This year I dont have any hopes of beating my time, but I am still going to walk the 6.2 miles and finish the race. Since I havent put my running shoes on in 9 plus months, I am going to keep my goals reasonable. Plus, they have already secured me a spot, and a T-shirt!

Elliott is doing great. He is adorable and of course I am falling more and more in love with him every day. Hubby is taking a day and half off of on site work each week to be with him. So, for the first time today, I left during this time. I only went to the grocery store, and was back just as he awoke from a nap and needed to nurse. But, it felt good and liberating to be able to leave and know that he was in good, safe hands and to still be able to nurse him.

I am still pumping every morning to control the over-active let down, and occasionally in the middle of the night (depending on how long he sleeps and if we get to nurse on both sides), but the breastfeeding this has taken a very positive turn. And I also am getting a nice supply built up in the freezer. I am still uncertain how much he eats for each meal, but I am going to guess its about 3-4 ounces. Every time we go to a breastfeeding support meeting, his has already eaten and is napping on and off so we cant get a true gage of actual ouncage consumed.

My friend, who works here suggested that I pump and donate my extra milk. I am going to get screened for it, and see if I qualify. No sense in letting the over-supply go to waste. Thoughts?

Part-time proposal

I have to be logical. Although, it is extremely difficult given the amount of emotion I have swilling around in my heart. I can hardly think clearly about this subject, because I love Elliott so much it clouds my decision making ability.

I am going to propose a part-time schedule to my employer. If they accept, I will go back 3 days a week, hubby will be home a day and a half and we will have a Nanny 2 days a week. If I decide that part-time work isnt for me...well, then at least I tried.

If they dont accept my proposal and say that full time is the only option...then we will have to decide if we can afford for me to be a SAHM, or if I should go back to work full-time.

Here is my email so far:

I am extremely excited to be returning to work in October, once my Maternity Leave is up. The last few months have been an amazing time of transition with my new family, and I love being a Mom. But, I am looking forward to returning to work, and adding back the balance in my life that only my professional career can bring. I miss my clients and co-workers, as well as the daily conversations about the ever changing mortgage industry.

I would like to discuss options as to what may be the best way for me to re-enter my position at XX come October and long term. Prior to my Maternity Leave taking effect, I reviewed possibilities with Boss Man and the idea of me taking one day off a week was discussed. It was determined that I would need to use vacation time for any time I took off and once my vacation days were used up I would need to return to work full time.

As I look towards the future and my new role as a Mom and professional, I would like to re-visit these possibilities. I want to be available to my son for his first critical year, and I would like to consider the possibility of coming back to work part-time, and modifying my salary accordingly. I would like to review this possibility with you, in hopes of establishing a part-time work week upon my return.

I am open to ideas/suggestions/thoughts as it relates to hours, days of the week, and commitments that would need to be addressed and considered for this option to be successful and beneficial to XX. I would also like to note that should we encounter an exceptionally busy week, with some advance notice, I could make myself available for increased hours.

I hope after you have had some time to consider this option, that you will approve this request. However, I do understand if this isn’t feasible and am open to exploring other options with XX.

SAHM or not...

Why in my rational mind do I know that I have to go back to work, at least part time. But, my everyday brain keeps looking for ways to make it work with me being a SAHM?

It is coming down to the wire now too. The nanny needs to set her fall schedule. I need to get clearance from my work. We need to plan out our budget (for either variable). My hubby needs to plan his schedule, depending on what I end up doing. Etc. etc.

I need help. Please put your 2 cents worth in, and let me know what you think.

PS-finally made it to the LLL meeting, and 2 times to a breastfeeding support group. We also got a new bed, which makes night feeding a ton easier!

Consider this:

Randomness

I was waiting to have my Rx filled last Friday, and read in a parenting magazine about Pro Ana websites that are popping up on the WWW. I googled it out of curiosity, and hit a couple of sites. Pretty shocking. The websites at first glance appear to support peeps that are suffering from Anorexia and/or Bulimia, but upon closer inspection they are actually supporting the disorder, and helping perpetuate the problem.

I learned how to nurse in the side lying position last night. Hubby and I decided to sleep share with Elliott, and kick the co-sleeping bed to the curb. I think I finally have enough confidence as a parent, trust my instincts, and feel that all of us would get a better night sleep. We tried it out last night, and he still was up like an alarm clock at 12:30, 3am and 5am. But, it was so nice to only have to get out of bed once (for a diaper change)! I was unable to master this position before because of the surgery. I couldnt lie/sleep on my side comfortably for several weeks post surgery. Woot!

My headache went away finally, after 34 hours. Needless to say, I did not take any more of the medication. I am still suffering with the nipple/breast pain, but we are trying to manage the best we can.

Elliott occasionally will latch on by himself without my direction or assistance. What a pleasant change. Breastfeeding took a positive turn over the last few days. **huge sigh of relief** It still isnt easy, but it is easier than last week.

My sister reported to me today that she quit smoking. Big props to her.

Elliott's Aunt and Cousin came to visit yesterday. We had a great day together. I think with the exception of a couple last people, almost everyone I care about has come to visit and meet Elliott.

We booked our trip to SF for our friends wedding. I am a little apprehensive about traveling with a 2 month old.

I decided that sooner versus later, I need to talk with my work about going part-time, at least for a while. I need to just get it out of the way, so I can rest easier and start to mentally prepare for my return to the office. And should they decline, and insist that I work full-time, then I can also prepare myself for that as well. I have been composing my words in my head for a few days. Wish me luck.

I was teasing a friend over the weekend, and must have hit a sore/sensitive spot. His wife did the hand across the throat thing--like cut/stop. I felt embarrassed and blushed, and as quick as my conflicted brain could changed the subject. Of course, I felt remorseful, but mostly I felt embarrassed for crossing over some unsaid line, and not having known it. I certainly didnt want to hurt any ones feelings, and felt horrible for several days at the prospect that I might have. However, since the cut/stop sign was silent, I didnt feel like it was appropriate to address the mis-speak. But, perhaps I should? It keeps creeping into my thoughts, and I cant seem to let it go.

Elliott has outgrown his newborn size clothes, and is now wearing 3 month sizes. He is weighing in at over 12 pounds and many of the adorable onesies are too small for him. I have a whole bag of clothes to put into storage awaiting #2. Speaking of clothes...I wore a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans yesterday. Granted they were the stretchy varietal, and they were baggy before and now they are tight. But, lets not split hairs. After all this is the first pair of pants I have worn in 6 plus months that doesnt have an elastic waist band.

Not sure if I shared this already, but about 2 weeks ago, I bought the My Brest Friend breast feeding pillow (which I dont recommend). The paper insert in the package had the word waist spelled waste. Now, I am not one to talk about spelling since I am a horrible speller (I was always one of the first to sit down when we had a spelling competition in school). But, hmm...kinda a big difference there, doncha think?

BF Follow up

Motherhood makes me feel stupid. At least that is often how I feel lately. There are so many new things to learn. So many times where you have to be vulnerable, and ask for help or advice. So many times you have to throw your hands up in the air, and say you just dont know the answer or what to do. So many times where more than your maternal instinct is required.

My experience at the Midwife yesterday was no exception. The first not so pleasant experience was making the appointment. The admin when I told her my reason for wanting to come in, said, something to the affect, Oh, did you see Eve? I said that I had, and she proceeded to say that Eve had referred several people to the Clinic with the same diagnosis, which she (the admin) was surprised about since the condition was so rare. I shrugged it off. But, it really bothered me. What business does an admin have telling me about other peoples diagnosis, planting a seed of doubt about the lactation consultant's abilities, as well as my own diagnosis. Plus, she is an ADMIN, she is not a midwife, a LC, or a doctor... She isnt even a nurse.

I was very excited about seeing the Midwife. I saw another Midwife I havent meet. I think I have almost seen every one (Linda, Jennifer, Rebecca, Jazmine, Beth, Rita...), except for Steve. Who I suspect might be in clinic next week when I go to my follow up appointment. When the Midwife came in, I explained my story (the let down issue, the clamping, the extreme pain during and long after a feeding, my visit to the LC and the diagnosis).

She listened attentively, and then proceeded to say that she has never heard of the condition, and even conducted some on-line research prior to my visit. She proceeded to say that she would be uncomfortable prescribing meds to me, etc. etc.

I started to cry. Through my tears, I explained how I considered myself an intelligent woman, resourceful, and up for a challenge. But, that I was at the end of my rope. I saw a LC in the hospital, I meet with my Doula for a post-partum visit to assist with BF. I have the Sears book on BF, I have conducted a ton of on-line research. I have consulted friends who have successfully BF, I attended the hospital sponsored BF support group, I have called La Leche League (they didnt call back-twice), I called the hospitals BF Program-2x's (no call back). I saw a Midwife again (on Wednesday past) who said my nipples looked great! I finally decided to shell out the $60 and see a LC in person. I cried harder, explaining how hard BF was, and how everyone touts that the Breast is Best, but that there wasnt enough support out there...waaaaahhhhhhhhh.

When I was able to regroup, and hold back the tears...I realized that I probably startled the poor gal. She was now more sympathetic. I asked her for any other alternative solutions she had, as I was willing to try anything to ensure that my BF relationship was not jeopardized. She didnt have any solutions. But, offered to discuss it with the OB on staff.

She returned after discussing it with the OB, asked me a few more questions and then wrote me the prescription. She also said the OB had never heard of the conditions either, but they were able to find a 2004 study published in Pediatrics. So, with a heavy warning to call should I develop any side effects I left feeling very successful, if not a tad bit depressed with the sucky-ness of the system.

I filled the prescription, and took my first pill this morning. And ever since I have had a horrible migraine (I have taken 1200 ml of Motrin). Headache of course is the first side effect listed on the pharmacy printout. I will need to analyze the cost/benefit of the headache versus the nipple pain. Again, more to follow.

Which brings me back to feeling stupid. All of that fretting, crying, pain, etc. and now the medicine may not even be tolerable. Boy...dont I feel stupid.

Diagnosis

Ok, 2 great things to report. I got Elliott into the sling! Yesterday (after some fussing) he allowed me to put him in, and took an hour long nap, and again this morning he allowed me to put him in it again, while he napped. It is a glorious day.

I also went to see a lactation consultant. She came at the recommendation of several people, all unrelated to one another. Gratefully, I was able to get a same day appointment. Aside from the let down issue, and the clamping that is a symptom of the let down...I learned a new position to feed in that will assist with both. I am also supposed to pump a couple times each day, after feeding on the opposite breast. This will help me two fold. It will allow me to start building a supply-for when I go back to work (or for when I just need a break). And it will also take some of the pressure off, and help Elliott latch on better, and prevent him from clamping down to slow the flow. And as another pleasant side effect...less laundry due to less milk spillage and less spitting up due to gas resultant from having to guzzle to keep up. Woot!

But, most important was the diagnosis of the awful nipple and breast pain I have been having. Today I actually started to cry while I was feeding Elliott. Previously, I thought it might be Thrush, but it is apparently Raynauds Phenomenon. The unfortunate part is that to alleviate the pain, I have to take a ton of herbals pills and it may take up to 6 weeks to see results, or I can take medication. In either case, they both have their pros and cons. I am going to take a multi-pronged approach and do both.

First thing tomorrow, I am going to see my Midwife and hopefully get a confirmed diagnosis. The LC can only suggest what she thinks it is, but your doc must diagnosis you formally (for meds anyway). I will keep everyone posted on the results, but for now we are hopeful of the possibility of getting some relief.

Do you have help at home?

I have been asked this question about 25 times since I delivered my son-the OB, Midwife, Lactation Educator, Nurses and Pediatrician. Everytime I answer the same thing. My husband took 3 weeks off of work to help at home, but NO I dont have any help at home currently. But, it doesnt matter what my response is. They dont seem to care what you answer is, they just want to ask the question. Like, the obligatory greeting, "How are you"? Does anyone really care about the answer?

I suspect that a memo went out saying something like this...

Dear Medical Staff:

Here at UCSD Medical Center we want our patients to think that we care about them and their recovery. In a world of ever increasing disassociation with patients, increased lawsuits, and a decreased amount of interpersonal relationships between doctor and patient--we feel it is critical to give the sense that we are a different kind of hospital.

Henceforth, please ask every L&D patient if they have help at home. The questions should be positioned in a way that sounds as if you care. If should be asked with an air of concern. It doesnt matter what the patient answers, since we dont actually care about that part.

Regards,

UCSD Medical Center

Blips and Beats

Excuse the randomness of each item here, but I am sleep deprived, kinda depressed at my lack of success with breastfeeding and have a major headache.

• thank you to those who have posted comments and suggestions, as well as friends who have emailed or called with advise. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts, and can use all of the options and variables that are out there. Often times I know that the answers are out there, I just need to explore all of the variables and being a new parent, I am treading new ground daily.
• I think I have set myself up for personal failure (the worst kind, in my opinion). What I mean is that I thought that parenthood would consist of XYZ (see below for examples), and I had a plan of attack for what I wanted. What I neglected to understand was that children are human beings with their own ideas and plans for what they want. Duh!
• For example, I thought I would have a vaginal, natural childbirth. Apparently Elliott had a different path in mind (or I wasnt strong enough...that is another post).
• I thought I would baby wear (my kid wont go into any sort of sling for me (we have 4 to chose from)...and will only go in for my husband. I still try almost every day). This makes me sad, because I think that he wants to be held more, but since he is sleeping so much, I often put him down and try and get things done around the house. This is a catch 22 of course...if he wants to be held and comforted and I am putting him down all the time, we arent bonding in the way I hoped and he in turn doesnt get the confidence and feelings of love that he needs. But, if he wont let me sling him, I am forced to put him down occasionally at least. Again, I need to forgo my own needs in favor of his more often. Guilt over being too selfish...it never ends.
• I wanted to breastfeed for as long as possible. But, the way it looks I might not last 6 weeks, and may resort to part-time pumping. (heartbreaking and of course, I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to persevere and find a solution). Elliott gets so much comfort while at the breast. How can I take that away from him? But, how much more pain do I have to suffer, when there is another option. Again, more guilt over being selfish.
• On top of my own personal feelings of failure, I feel horrible for thinking ill of people who didnt do all of the things I mentioned above. Before I had Elliott, in my head, I judged people who didnt breastfeed, baby wear, etc. Dont I feel silly now.
• Parenting is hard. How in the world do women have a gaggle of kids? I can barely manage one.
• I stole the title of this post from a CD my husband put together while he was in a CD Club.
• Could this breastfeeding problem I am having be Thrush? His tongue doesnt look white, but the other symptoms are spot on for me.
• I dont have time to talk on the phone for long periods of time, and I think I am alienating myself from friends and family who are far away. When Elliott is sleeping, I want to sleep or do chores, or use the restroom, or check email, or eat. I dont want to talk on the phone. Which doesnt help my relationships that are far away. Please dont take it personal. This time I have home with Elliott is so short, that I want to make sure I am present with him as often as possible. I dont want to be on the phone, and not give him my undivided attention.
• In spite of all the parenting woes, I still want to stay home from work full time. I cant imagine leaving my little man in the hands and care of anyone else. I dont even like to let anyone else hold him for very long. I feel very protective over him. But, financially know that it is impossible to stay home. I dont even know if my employer will let me work part-time.
• By not staying home and I prioritizing correctly? After reading this post, I wonder if we need to bite the bullet and realign our priorities more in favor of what is most important (our family unit) to us. The fact that the decision is so difficult, makes me bitter again. Prioritizing a family shouldn't be so difficult especially when $$$ is the motivator for our decisions.
• Elliott is thriving, in spite of my boob blunders. He weighed in at 12 lbs and some change yesterday at the BF Support Group. He is gaining about a pound a week. I am very grateful to have a baby who is gaining weight so well. It is a mixed blessing.
• I thought I may have torn my incision. It was red, leaking some fluid and had a couple of drops of blood. I had it checked though, and the midwife said it was healing nicely, and she thought that a piece of skin just grew lightly over it, and tore back.
• My good friend had to put her 3 year old dog to sleep over the weekend, and I am very sad for her and her hubby.
• Sorry to any of those who I have depressed or whose day I ruined with this rambling depressed post.
• Have a great Hump Day.