38 weeks

I will be 38 weeks tomorrow.  I had my OB appt. today, and she didn't do an exam but could feel the babes head deep in my pelvis.  I have been having a lot of pelvic pressure, my hips are killing me, and sometimes it feels as it the babies head is rubbing directly on my pelvic bone. 

I have also been having a fair amount of BH contractions, and the last couple of days cramping in the lower part of my tummy.  Today is by far the worst day.  I can barely walk.

The worst though are the hemorrhoids.  I have an RX for proctofoam, which I have been using since last night, and my doc gave me some Lidocaine today.  It is painful enough at times to make me wish for a c-section.  The thought of them worsening during delivery, is giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety about my upcoming labor and delivery.

I want this baby out! And soon. My only options though are to wait...since I have had a C-section-induction isn't an option due to the risks of uterine rupture.  She can strip my membranes but not until next week.  And, if I opt for a C-section, it wouldn't occur until at least 39 weeks.

So, I will just watch and wait.

11 weeks pregnant

For the first time yesterday in over 5 weeks, I went an entire day without feeling terrible.  Beginning on day one of week 6, and continuing for 3 solid weeks I was sick day and night.  Then, it began to subside starting in the morning.  Over the next few weeks I would start getting sick later and later in the day.  I don't think the pregnancy sickness is gone for good, but i was relieved to have a day off.

On Monday, I have my Nuchal Translucency Screening Ultrasound.  Each time I go in for an appointment, I am super nervous.  SO much so, that I can't bring myself to look at the screen until she confirms that she sees the babe's heartbeat.  I have noticed that my blood pressure is higher than it normally is, each time I go in for an appointment.  Will this anxiety ever end?

My body is starting to kick into high gear also.  In perfect time with the pregnancy sickness respite, the constipation and heartburn started this morning.  My belly is starting to pop out, although it has been working its way out since week 9.  The first couple of weeks though, the protruding layer of belly pudge was all that was there.  It is starting to firm up, and feel more solid.

I took a leap of faith after my last doc appointment and allowed myself to unpack my maternity clothes.  I was desperate for maternity underwear.  One of the difficult parts from the miscarriage last year was packing up my maternity clothes (that I had just pulled out of the garage).  It is an odd thing to be pregnant one day, and not pregnant the next...with nothing to show for it.

I having also been paying keen attention to my body and being hyper critical of every symptom.  Every time my stomach hurts, probably from eating wheat, I look for spotting and worry that I am going to miscarry.  I analyze my stomach size and firmness daily.  I check to be certain my breast are still sore and tender.  I don't want to be blindsided again.  As if you can ever be prepared for a loss...

The boys are excited about the baby.  Elliott is especially so.  He will randomly look at my belly, and say "baby!"  Whenever he talks about the baby, he prefaces it with, "when the baby comes out of your vagina."    Spencer is more aloof about it.  He doesn't realize how it will change his life yet.

We have told most of our family.  And for whatever reason, be it our own calmness or their true feelings, they seem happier for us this time around.  Which is a welcome relief.

My crazy pregnant brain

I have lost my rational mind.  I have convinced myself that this pregnancy is ectopic.

Let me explain.  When I was ovulating last month, I could feel (for the first time I could recollect), which side I was ovulating from (right).  Then, a few times this week, whenever I get up quickly, or move fast--the right side of my abdomen hurts.  It feels like a tearing or ripping feeling inside my body.  It feels like a round or broad ligament pain would, if I were farther along.  So, when I consulted Dr. Google, the first thing to return is Ectopic Pregnancy.

Apparently, somewhere between 1 in 40 to 1 in 100 pregnancies are Ectopic.  And, if you have had a D&C, you are more likely.  Most are discovered somewhere between 5 and 7 weeks-either via Ultrasound or because they rupture.

I have been holding off on making my Midwife appt. out of some sort of denial and/or fear of eminent loss.  But, it seems that I can hold off no longer.  I need to put my mind to rest.

Update:
After letting this consume me and ruin my weekend, I reached out to a logical friend.  She reassured me that everything was fine.  And that it was likely to be ligament pain.  Nonetheless, I made my first pre-nantal appointment for Aug 20th.

Getting back on my bike

I am negligent.  I have been thinking of blogging.  Feeling guilty about it.  Writing down topics to discuss and share.  Yet, in the last 6 months so much has happened that I want to share.  Where do I begin?

I guess the first place to begin is the pregnancy.  And then the pregnancy loss.  The depression.  The weight gain.  The recovery.  And now the aftermath.

I will start there.

The time crunch

My 37th Birthday is just around the corner, and I am starting to feel pressured for time.  And by time, I mean reproductive time.  We are always pushing the clock around here.  Go, go, go.

My hubby and I decided that a 3rd child was not in our cards right now.  And, I felt at peace with that decision for a while.  I even went so far as to give away all of my newborn clothes (with the caveat that they return them to me).  It felt liberating.  I felt like a giant weight was lifted of my shoulders.  I felt happy.  I felt at peace.

That lasted for a several months.  Now I am longing again to expand our family.  My reasons in favor are numerous.  I feel like I am capable of managing another child.  Every day I become more patient, and efficient and loving.  I love watching the kids grow and explore their worlds.  I get an endless amount of joy and satisfaction from watching the boys play together, work out their battles and conflicts for space and attention, and I love the relationship they are building with one another.  I also feel a small longing for a girl.  I can not imagine how it would change the way I parent or love a child, but I am curious to know.

I am also becoming more aware of the fleeting nature of my childrens youth.  They grow so quickly, and change in the blink of an eye.  I love being around toddlers.  They are so loving and energetic and flexible!  They accept guidance and redirection.  They rarely throw tantrums when given the proper options and time to make a decision.  With a 4 year old and a 20 month old-my toddlers days are coming to an end.  My older son will be in school next year and my younger son will be in preschool a couple of mornings a week. And, I can feel the stress associated with this end.  I do not want this time period to come to a close.

On the other side of the spectrum I do not long, in the slightest of ways, to be pregnant again.  I was sick for the first trimester, plus.  I was depressed for the second trimester and while I was happy and thrilled the third trimester - I was also exhausted!  Couple that with parenting 2 small kids and I wonder if another pregnancy will break me.  37 years old is not young any more.  In terms of child bearing, it is considered advanced maternal age.  There is more lab work, more tests to worry over, and more midwife care and worries.  There is also far less energy than, say, when I was 27!

That takes me to the sleep factor.  Oh, how I long for the ability to sleep and wake on my own schedule!  I am not sure why this matters so much now.  When I worked I woke on someone else's schedule.  I have always been an early riser and I never was a late/long sleeper.  But, there is something about calling your own shots and not waking to the sound of crying that only you or your breast can soothe.  Then, there is the middle of the night waking that comes with a new babe.

The pain and recovery of the pregnancy and the birth.  Ouch.  The weight loss, the fitness level to be regained, the endless backaches, and the carrying and lifting of the babe for the first year plus.  There is a physicality to another child that scares me.  Is my body strong enough to endure that first year again!?!?!

But, even while looking over the pro's and con's, and notice there is nothing about my husband's feelings or desires listed here!  I still feel like our family is incomplete.  Try as I might...my body is telling my mind to suck it up!  I am very logical and this is tearing me up inside.  The illogical (yet totally base) nature of physical desire mixed with reason and sensibility just doesn't add up.

Coming around the bend

I had a post sitting in my drafts for the last 2 months.  I wrote it whilst feeling very emotional and vulnerable.  I didn't feel, at the time, that I should post it.  However, after reading it again I decided to go ahead.  My feelings at the time were real and therefore valid.  If you are a follower--you will see a new post with an old date.

Some days are still as frustrating as I earlier described.  However, many of the days are actually becoming enjoyable.  I attribute the change to a handful of things.

The first is that Elliott seems to be growing out of his defiant stage (I should say temporarily shelving as I expect it to show up again sooner rather than later).  He is becoming more aware of the daily expectations--get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast (sitting down), go to preschool or some other activity, etc. 

He is also working very hard at adjusting to life as a sibling.  He clearly likes Spencer, but still has a hard time sharing time and/or toys with him.  He also can scarcely contain his enthusiasm and sheer joy that comes from pushing him over, or angrily ripping a toy from him hands.  I suspect that Elliott is asserting himself over Spencer because Spenc is low man on the totem pole (so to speak).  As such, I have been working on navigating the two of them more carefully.  I have also been working on the language I use when correcting the other, making sure to say things to both Elliott AND Spencer.  That has helped facilitate their relationship with one another, and if I handle it correctly it should make them closer over the long haul. 

In addition to the normal growth that occurs when a sibling is added--I too, have been growing and adjusting.  I have always felt proud of the fact that I was very patient and took the time to explain things to my child.  And then there were two...and all patience went out the window.  I am slowly, day by day, regaining some of that patience.

As I slowly take back more of my body (less nursing on a daily basis) and I start to get more solid chunks of sleep I find that I am more patient and less irritable.  Both of these things attribute to a more patient and nurturing parent.

Lastly, I am learning more about redirecting my anger as well as my children's.  I am also working on easing up on them--they ares still so little!  Elliott is 3 and 1/2 years old--but that is still small.  He needs reminders and more reminders.  He still needs me to swoop him up and kiss his owie.  He still lets me hold his hand when we cross the stress. 

And, these days I relish each opportunity.  I try and remind myself daily how lucky I am to be able to spend my days with my adorable boys.  Very lucky indeed. 

My wits end

I can not deny that things have been difficult these last 2 weeks.  I don't know if it's any one thing independently, or the combination of many things...but, there has been a lot of yelling from Mama this past week.

The hubby has been stressed with changes afoot at work, then he was travelling, and now entertaining business associates.  Elliott has decided that it is perfectly acceptable to be contrary, condescending, ornery, and down right difficult in every single aspect of anything routine or mundane.  Spencer, well, he's Spencer.  He is verbal, loud, and will not allow a single injustice to go unnoticed (I have no idea where he inherited that trait). 

Needless to say, I have firmly decided that 2 kids is enough, and often times over the last few days--TOO MANY. 

I am at my wits end for patience and loving responses.  Each time I pep talk myself into taking deep breaths and calming down, Elliott does something that causes my blood to boil and I loose my temper.  I am out of ideas for gentle discipline--he just laughs at me. 

I sound, and feel, pathetic and ineffective.

Confession of an angry Mom

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away I had a problem with anger. I would get angry quick and unexpectedly. I would often over react and yell; many times saying things i regretted or didn't mean. Yes, I know you are thinking that everyone does this occasionally. And, yes, I agree. But, it would happen to me frequently and the rage associated with it was so unexpected that I deemed it a problem.

I put an end to a few bad relationships, reassessed my self-worth and finished college. After college I sought to eliminate the anger. I bought a book about anger management and realized that anger was a secondary emotion. It was the reaction to feelings about something else. Hmm, for me, at the time, that was enlightening. I also determined that I had what was called sudden anger. I learned some techniques, including blogging as a way to share my feelings and sort out my thoughts. The anger subsided, and I became a calmer, happier person.

However, in the last few months it seems that the anger has crept back into my life. My once rational, calm, reasonable demeanor is now short tempered, hot headed and worse yet...irrational. Arrgghhh.

I have been thinking and analyzing the reasons for my feelings and the cause of my anger. I have come up with this. And like it or not, these are my feelings.

Most of the anger i have been feeling is towards my children. In particular my older child. He is a good, kind kid. But, I realized that I was taking him to seriously. Especially when he would tell me no, or say he didn't like me, or just outright disobey something I asked him. Uh, hello, he is a 2 year old. Of course he is going to test his boundaries and limits. Especially with his new found confidence from swim lessons.

The thing that made me the most angry was when he would take a toy away from his younger brother or try to hurt him. I soon realized that the reason this made me so angry was because I was erroneously thinking he was doing it maliciously or on purpose. Of course, he is not even 3 years old and doesn't yet have the ability to be mean like that. Once I was able to wrap my head around that, I stopped reacting so over the top.

I am glad that I took the time to look deeper into my actions and feelings and find a way to communicate with my children in a more effective and productive manner.

Where are we going, dear readers?

My reasons for blogging have changed a lot over the last several years, and that has left me confused with where to take this blog.

I formerly shared deep, dark secrets and feelings knowing that no one was reading. And moreover, not really minding if people I knew were reading. However, more so lately, I have become more coveted about my inner most feelings. I often sit down to write and think about my readers (hi friends and family!), and how what I say could impact them. My former candor has taken a backseat to other peoples feelings and perceptions.

Now, this is a double edged sword. It is certainly a benefit for me to be thinking of other people's feelings, when I so often have been tagged as selfish. On the other side, it limits the amount of freedom I have when it comes to raw self expression.

I also understand that not everything is designed to be shared, particularly on the world wide web. There is no privacy when you publish your inner most details on the Internet. There is occasionally, ever danger or risk.

However, I feel lonely not sharing my feelings...even if it is solely with the abyss that is the web and the few who dare to post comments. A determination has not been made on how to proceed. But, I will certainly continue to post updates and family details as they transpire, but the diary-like nature may change for the conservative.

Amends

Do you ever wish you were a better a person?  That retrospectively you hadn't made a particular bad decision?  That you had apologized earlier?  That you had attended that baby shower/wedding/birthday party after all?  That you had cleared the air sooner, rather than let your feelings simmer and boil over later?  That you had just said how you felt rather than hold a grudge?  That you were more equipped to handle and share your feelings?  That you hadn't acted selfishly, and had done the 'right' thing?  If only you could express yourself more clearly/with more sympathy/with more... that you would have...  The list could go on and on.

My point is that via Facebook I have been forced to confront several (yes, more than a couple) people that I hurt in the past.  And by forced, let me say that I wanted to clear the air, of course, and initiated the contact.  But, it is a humbling (and somewhat humiliating) experience and one that I hope to come out of a better person.  I also hope that it allows the people I hurt some closure.  Mostly, I hope to come away with my (old) friends forgiveness.  

Have any of you experienced something similar?  How did you get through it?  Did the person forgive you?  Were you able to be friends again?  Was your friendship the same/better/or worse?  Did you regret making amends?  

Stroller Strides

I am finding my groove-slowly.  

I joined an exercise group called Stroller Strides and I am having a blast! The best part is that Elliott comes with me.  He H.A.T.E.D. the childcare center at the gym I formerly attended and that was a large reason why I cancelled my membership (there is also the unemployment factor, but who's counting).  After the hour long exercise class-the kids can all run around and play together.  They even have a weekly playgroup which one of the Mom's host and brings arts and crafts for the kids to play with.  The kick ass part is that the classes are all conducted outside.  So, not only do we get to exercise, be with our children, and have fun...we get to do it all outdoors in the gorgeous San Diego sun.

The exercise is really helping me get back to normal both emotionally and physically.  It is also helping me lose the 10 pounds (yikes) I have gained since I stopped working.

Adjusting to life at home

Since I was laid off from my job in November, I have been really struggling with my self worth.  I feel like I am not a valuable member of my household since I don't get paid for what I do.  As if the simple act of getting a paycheck somehow validates me.  

I think and wonder if my contributions to my household (cleaning, shopping, cooking, yard work, budgeting) are worthy of my time and intellect.  I wonder if I am 'wasting' my degree and potential. By staying home am I setting the best example for my son both as a human being and as a woman.  Dont get me wrong, I love staying home with Elliott.  I adore the time I get to spend with him and being the person that gets to teach him the foundational and valuable life lessons.  

But, I get bored too.  I feel unfulfilled.  I feel like I am wasting my time and talent.  I feel lonely. I wonder if I am teaching Elliott the 'right' things and being a loving and patient Mom.

At the end of every day I have to feel proud of what I do (read and repeat, read and repeat) or else I feel worthless.  I am working on how to feel proud of this new path.   I am getting out of the house as often as possible.  I am taking time for me when I can.  I am giving myself time to adjust and accept.  I know that it takes a while to acclimate to anything new.  

25 things, or how I over-think everything.

1. I have moved over 50 times. But, I have lived with my husband for the longest of any single place.

2. I never wanted kids until I met my husband. Something about finding my perfect companion changed my mind. I love being a Mom to my 19 month old son and now want 2 more children.

3. Breastfeeding my son for 15 months was the most rewarding, empowering, self sacrificing thing I have ever done.

4. I have a short attention span, and have trouble staying focused. I am easily distracted.

5. I never wonder what the future holds. I just trust that it will work out as it should. It always has.

6. I am extremely impatient. I have a hard time waiting for anything. Which makes #5 difficult.

7. I hate surprises and I hate being scared (think: Halloween). I don't see scary or horror movies.

8. I only applied to one college and got accepted. I cried when I got my acceptance letter because I would so shocked and proud that I didn't know how to process the overwhelming joy. I am the first person in my family to attend and graduate from a 4 year college. My niece is applying this year and my Grandmother went to Secretary School. 

9. I love the outdoors, but get very agitated when my hands or clothes are dirty.

10. I have never had a traffic ticket or a DUI. But, I have been pulled over more than 10 times.

11. When I was 14 years old, I 'borrowed' a car from a friend, who 'borrowed' the car for someone else. I kept the car for a month until a 3rd friend got it impounded.

12. My sister and I have a bond that I can not explain. No matter what she does, not matter what I do-and there has been A LOT-we will always be there for each other. No questions asked. 

13. I have dyed my hair since I was in 6th grade. But, 2 years ago I decided that I wasn't going to subject myself to the patriarchy any longer and I stopped dying it. I feel better emotionally, but looked better before.

14. My brain is very literal. So, please, say exactly what you mean or I will misunderstand you. I don't get jokes easily and I nit pick language and word choices. But, sarcasm I do understand.

15. A week before Thanksgiving 2008 I was laid off from my job. While I mourn the loss of my income, I love being at home.

16. I occasionally struggle with my self esteem. Some days I feel confident and attractive, some days not so much. But, what I have learned is that no matter how I feel the most important thing is how I act. 

17. My home and work area need to be clean and tidy. However, my car hasn't been washed or vacuumed in months (perhaps years). 

18. I had a lovebird as a pet when I was in grade school named Peaches. I loved that bird to death. Literally. I was a negligent 8 year old pet owner and didn't feed it often enough, and I suspect it died from starvation.

19. I follow 38 blogs and 27 people on Twitter. Yes, I need to get a life of my own.

20. I weigh myself --just about every day. Except when I know that I am gaining weight--and then I avoid the scale and go into denial. The denial stage is happening now.

21. I don't mind sharing my experiences, feelings, or thoughts with people. But, I feel like my privacy is being invaded if people ask me direct questions about my feelings and I don't know the answer.

22. Being a Mom has put me out of comfort level more times than I can possibly count--and my son is only 19 months old. 

23. I once interviewed for a job at a car wash and the interviewer asked me if I wanted to be his 'assistant'. I asked what the job entailed and he said minor office responsibilities and sex with him a few times a week, but assured me it was a well paying position. I declined the job. 

24. I hitchhiked with another girlfriend to and from Santa Barbara when I was 14 years old.

25. I am very competitive, but don't mind losing.

The Five Love Languages

I am slightly embarrassed to say that I have been skimming this book. I say skimming because I have been trying to avoid the religious underpinnings, and go straight for the meat. The gist is that there are 5 languages of love:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Hubby and I have identified our primary love languages. He is a #1 and I am a #4.

The idea is that by examining the way you and you partner display and understand love that you will be able to communicate your commitment and love to one another. What committed couple couldn't benefit, right?

Bear with me as I am processing this and trying to put it into action. It is a logical idea, but seems somewhat insincere because according to these 'rules' for me to understand love, my husband must show me acts of service. And for me to show hubby that I love him, I must show appreciation. It makes sense, but it seems like we will get stuck in a love vortex.

Part of the draw of this theory is that over the years hubby and I have had a couple of conversations (after we recovered from the argument portion) about how we don't feel loved by the other person. While expressing these feelings it often came down to hubby saying he needed more affirming and positive words. And me saying that I need him to show me love in his actions and commitment to the collective we. Hmm, interesting.

Now, extend this idea to family. If I feel loved by acts of service--then, it makes huge sense why I feel so let down by my family. If 2 love languages were allowed, I think Quality time and Acts of Service would just about sum it up. I have lived in SD for going on 6 years. Some of my family has never been to visit outside of major events like our marriage or the birth of our son (quality time) and they didn't take an active roll in helping at either event (acts of service). And maybe that is because they don't understand my love language, nor I theirs.

I have started to practice this idea with hubby. It feels weird for me. It isn't easy for me to express appreciation to hubby for doing things that I expect (like chores). Which is why it is so important for me to keep working on it. Because if hubby is doing all his chores as a way to make me happy, and I am not acknowledging him and showing him the love he needs then we aren't doing everything we can to make the other person happy. And that will not make either of us happy!

Ranting ahead

Some things I want to get off my cyber chest are:

I have been suffering from migraines lately. Out of the blue I starting getting vomit inducing, cant see or think straight, certainly cant function headaches. I cant seem to find a cause or a pattern. But, they are occurring at a clip of 4 or so a month. Not enough for meds, but enough to give me pause.

For about 2 years, maybe longer I have been having nightmares. I don't know what else to call them. While laying in bed on the brink of falling asleep I will experience a feeling of anxiety (although perhaps it is paranoia). It isn't a physical feeling. It is more like I start thinking about something, most often Lil E. And then I imagine something bad that could or might happen, although highly improbable. Then I get all freaked out and worried about it. Other times, I will start to think about something totally crazy and demented--and it will take over my brain. The only way for me to clear the palate is to open my eyes for a moment. Refocus on reality and then commit to putting it out of my mind. Yuck.

I don't understand why I weigh 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant, yet I still wear the same size clothes. I know that muscle weights more than fat...but come on!

Today was the first day where I thought that maybe I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant -- right now anyway. Life is starting to normalize with Lil E, I am sleeping with regularity and so is he, I feel comfortable in our routine, and I like my job. The economy is stressing me (and most people I know) out, I worry about money, bills, and our household spending. I wonder if we could afford another child. What if our economy keeps getting worse, and money gets tighter. What if I get laid off, or hubby's company's starts to tank. My rational mind knows that no matter what we will make it work, but I like to run all of the options through my head just so I feel prepared. Yes, I know that its a false sense of security. But, let me have my fake safety net.

I could stop trying to get pregnant, which is really just a way of thinking about it anyway. And instead, just let nature take its course. If I get pregnant...well, then coolio. If not, I never think about it since it wasn't something I was trying to do anyway. Kick ass, I love Jedi mind tricks. Especially ones I can play on myself.

Now that I am proof reading this post...It sounds like maybe I am a bit stressed out and that perhaps I am suffering from some anxiety. If I could only get a massage and not feel guilty about spending the money.

Family Challenge--results

Hubby and I won the family challenge-kinda. We lost the most weight-I lost 7 pounds, but we (and by we I mean hubby) forgot to bring the scale to his parents house.

This was a good thing for the other family members ** you know who you are ** that didnt lose any weight, or in some case may have gained some weight thanks to the Las Vegas buffets.

This was a personal test for me. Often times when a challenge arises I intentionally sabotage myself. I think the heart of the problem fear and the possibility of trying and failing. My flawed logic in my head is if I dont try-then I cant lose. But, if I do try and lose then I will feel bad about myself. So, just dont try and act like I dont care.

Well, this time I did try and I did care. And I won (in my mind anyway)! Yeah for me. Now, if only I would have collected on the $50 prize!!!

Response to Shame

In my previous post, I included a link to a blog I stumbled on by accident. However, I wonder how much of life is accidental and how much is fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it (lets leave the likes of divine intervention out of this). I don't know the answer to the fate question, but I do wonder about it.

Anyway, I have been really thinking about the post. I have been wondering why people who are molested, raped, or sexually abused feel ashamed of what happened to them. I was thinking about how being abused shouldn't be a source of shame or embarrassment. But, how often it is. How most crimes like this go unreported and the victims never see justice or closure (not that closure is even possible). It really got me thinking, but more than that it got me feeling.

So, I wanted to free myself from feeling shameful or embarrassed (thanks Grace!). A little side note though: I don't want to talk about this with anyone. I am posting it here to free myself from it. But, unless I bring it up, I don't want to talk about it. I have effectively put this behind me, but want to acknowledge that it happened.

I was sexually abused by my step brother when I was 4 years old. It was a brief period of time, and most of it I hardly remember. But, I do remember enough to know that it happened. My sister told my Mom about it a while later, and I remember my Mom asking me what happened. I was flooded with feelings that couldn't be expressed and words that had no way of being vocalized. After all, I was only 4; it would be impossible to express what I felt or thought at that age. Almost 30 years later I can remember feeling powerless and afraid to be alone with my step brother. Yet, I can hardly express my feelings now--I just don't have the words.

My Mom left this husband, but not because of the abuse. I don't think she knew about the abuse until after she left anyway. We spoke of it that one time, and neither her nor I spoke of it again.

I often wonder what sort of effect something like this has on peoples lives. I don't honestly think you can know the answer to this, since life has an innumerable number of variables. But, I look at my life and wonder how things may have been different for me if this event had not occur ed. I don't spend much time thinking about it, since there is no way to change to the past. But, I do feel saddened by the fact that it happened. I feels like I was robbed of a piece of my childhood, of my innocence. Something was taken from me during that time, something that can never be replaced or given back.

Just like all of the books say--now that I am a Mother, I have been thinking about my childhood and my youthful experiences in more depth. I am often in awe at the fact that my Mother was able to raise 2 girls essentially on her own. My Mom didn't attend college, but was a highly intelligent woman (I will explain the use of the past tense word 'was' later). She has an amazing vocabulary, has a razor sharp wit and tongue, and has never been afraid to express or stand up for herself. On the other side of the coin, it kills me to think that someone who was so intelligent could allow herself to get involved with man after destructive man, marriage after marriage. How could someone who appears so self assured need a man like my Mom does. It is difficult to not place blame when I think about all of the fucked up things that have happened in my life under the tutelage of my mother (many of them while she was under the influence). And, just when I am filled with resentment and bitterness--I remember that she did the very best she could. I hope that every decision that she made was out of love, and not selfishness. I long to believe that she always put us first when a difficult choice was needed. Many days I doubt it, and that forces a irremovable wedge between us. But, some days I can forgive her and I love her more than myself.

So, there you have another tid-bit of my history. All of the pieces that make up my life and make me who I am today. Are you glad or sad you know?

Parenting lessons

I love being a Mom, and cant wait for my girlfriends (I have 3 close friends and 2 other girlfriends pregnant all at the same time!!!) to have their babies so we all can feel the joy and love that having a child brings. I also cant wait for them to become parents so they can experience for themselves the decisions, struggles and challenges that being a parent inherently comes with.

What I struggle with lately is that parenting requires a level of communication that I don't currently possess. And trying to work through all of the variables is exhausting. Making sure you are setting good examples, guiding their decisions, averting danger while still allowing exploration, showing love and tolerance...etc., etc., etc. Again, I love being a Mom and every ounce of energy expelled is worth it. But, when my closest girlfriends are all in the (first) pregnancy faze--I can scarcely relate my struggles and challenges to them. Nor would I want to spoil any of their joy and expectations.

More accurately though--I don't think they can relate (sorry gals if you are reading this) to how difficult it is to a Mom yet. I will share this example with you to make my point. Before I had a child I was naive enough to tell my MIL that my kid wouldn't be allowed to have toys. Uh huh, yeah right. When I said this she just smiled at me with a knowing look and kept her mouth closed. All the while knowing that I was nuts.

If I could take my MIL's lead and not say anything when similar exchanges occur between me a pregnant friends I would be much better off. It is a struggle for me to listen to my friends say and do things that I suspect (from experience) will turn out different once the child is born. Moreover, it is excruciating for me to listen to people who don't have kids yet give me advise about how to parent my son.

So, my goal and lesson this week is to learn how to be more tolerant and accepting of other peoples feelings and opinions on the matter of parenting. I don't want to be known as the the 'know-it-all' preachy friend--so this is critical. I also need to learn how to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself so that others can learn from their own experiences. But most important is for me to learn how to say what I feel and know is best for my family with more conviction.

Several times over this weekend I should have spoken out about things I wasn't comfortable with as it relates to raising my son, and I didn't. I should have stood my ground on my beliefs and just said that I wasnt comfortable with something. But, for some reason I didn't and regretted not speaking out when I had the chance. I am still sorting this one out, and will let you know what the result is soon.

Phew, I feel better having shared my feelings. It was weighing heavy on me. Now, I can more easily move to the action phase. Comments always welcome.

poison thoughts

I have so many things to say these days--but, I dont. I have been keeping a lot of feelings bunched up inside of me--and I think they are poisoning me.

Tell us, you say, oh so loyal blog readers? I simply must first tell the people these feelings are directed at. And then, hopefully, I can share my feelings on the matter.

As I learned in a earlier post--I could run the risk of hurting some unsuspecting friends feelings and of seeming passive-agressive. Which would not serve my cause at all.

Why am I keeping these feelings bottled up inside of me? I think I am afraid of the outcome. If I dont share--I can stave off the inevitable. Flawed logic, of course.

Friendship

Today, and several times over the last few months I have been analyzing my friendships. With this analysis, I have come to realize (through the lack of verbal conversations, emails and phone exchanges) that some of my friendships are lopsided--where I consider the person more of a friend than they consider me. This is where I get my feelings hurt. Ouch.