1st day of school 2013

Im kind of a big deal.

35 pictures and this is the only one where all 3 kids look decent.

Close up.

Success

I must be extremely fertile.  I am pregnant.  My cycles are only 26 days, so from when the ovulation stick turned positive on July 15th, until today it is only 11 days (DPO).

It took one month for us to get pregnant with Elliott, pregnancy #3 and this one.  With Spencer it took 11 months, but for several of those months I was waiting to regain a regular cycle ofter having my IUD removed.

I don't feel the same level of anxiety or nervousness that I felt last year.  In fact, I feel serene and peaceful about the whole thing.  I took several tests yesterday that were positive (I know you can't be kinda pregnant).  But, I needed the certainly of the digital test to ease my mind and be certain my eyes weren't creating something that wasn't there.

I wonder if my nervousness is tempered by the idea that I could miscarry.  Perhaps it is an emotionally protective measure to prevent me from being too excited in the wake of loss?  I like to think that I have matured and that I am not as neurotic as I once was (yes, I took 5 pregnancy tests in 24 hours).  I also feel like we are more ready to welcome a 3rd child into our family.  

Our New House

Pregnancy loss happens frequently.  There are tons of stats on-line that speak of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, often before you are even aware of begin pregnant.  And, while I am a very logical, rational person, nothing prepares you for the loss of your baby.

It is life altering.  It changed the way I thought in ways unimaginable.  It has affected my relationships with people and how they view their own pregnancies.  It changes the way I view myself and my reproductive capacity.  

When we discovered that we lost our baby, it was a sadness I had never in my life experienced.  It was a pain I had never known.  There was a pit in my stomach that was empty and vast.  It was a pain, that if left unattended, could sweep on into a dark abyss of depression.  

As time has worn on, I have healed.   I have allowed love and happiness back in and pushed the despair and sadness out.  I learned to appreciate my family with renewed intensity.  I felt lucky and grateful to have my boys, when so many families long to have just one healthy child.  

My husband felt like the miscarriage was the universes way of saying that we weren't meant to have this child.  I resented him for saying that.  I knew that science just didn't align.  But, I also felt a small sense of relief.  The pregnancy was wanted, the baby was very much wanted and loved.  But, the timing was all wrong.

We were living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1000 sq foot, 102 year old house.  We didn't have heat or A/C, we didn't have a driveway or attached garage, and we were always on top of each other.  I know that families make due with much less every.single.day.  And I would've made it work--but, it was beyond stressful with 2 small kids and the possibility of a 3rd on the way.  

In many ways the loss is what motivated our family to buy a bigger house.  We moved into our new house at the end of March.  It is more than 2 and a 1/2 times bigger than our previous house and totally upgraded.  4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, a wonderful kitchen and yard, with a massive attached garage.  We loved living in a small space--it forced us to be cozy, uber organized, and very conscience of our purchases and possessions.  But, the kids are so much happier having their own space.  The boys still share a room, and I hope they always will.  But, they can play in different rooms and spaces and not be right on top of one another.   The boys ages or this new space has had a very positive effect for everyone: we are all finally sleeping better! 

The upcoming birthday festivities

Spencer's first birthday is coming up in a few short weeks.  He shares a birthday with my best friends daughter, in addition to having a birthday near Thanksgiving (and once in a blue moon--on) most years.  So, planning his birthdays will be tough for a few years.

For Elliott, we have always chosen to have his birthday's in our home town.  He has a summer birthday and occasionally his conflicts with the 4th of July holiday, but all in all it is simpler (for planning purposes) than contending with a major holiday like Thanksgiving.  

All of our respective family live in the same county.  Plus, Grandma was always more than willing to allow us to have the parties at her house.  They have a huge kid friendly yard and a pool with a water slide.  Elliott being our oldest (and at the time--only) child--parties were a pretty big affair.  Now that we have a second child--they seem less of a priority.  I now understand why subsequent children get the shaft.

The killer part for me is always the guest list.  Having the party in San Diego this year makes it a bit easier.  And in the same breathe infinitely more difficult  There is always the question of who to invite.  I don't want to leave anyone off the list lest I insult someone, but I also don't want to burden anyone with an invite if it's going to be drag.  Do I invite all my home town friends?  Do I invite Elliott's friends (who subsequently are my friends as well)?  Do I invite my friends who have kids?  How are we going to fit and feed all those folks into our house?  Since his birthday is in the winter--there is no telling if the skies will be cooperative or not.  

Then, there is the family factor.  If I have the party in our home town I can be assured that my family will attend.  It will be uncomfortable for everyone to be in the same room with one another--but they will do it in the name of my adorable son.  But, the fact that this year I have taken a stand and chose to have the event in San Diego sets my heart up for disappointment.  The last time I remember my Mom coming to San Diego was when Elliott was 2 weeks old.  My sister hasn't been to visit me in more years than that.  And my Aunt's last visit was my wedding--5 years ago.  In their defense, they are busy and traveling costs money.  I understand all of that.  But, it is still disappointing for me--it is only a 3 hour drive. One that I make 6-7 times every year with my kids in tow.  

Irrationally, I admit, I always position their love for me and my kids up against the excuse of not enough money and/or time--and my kids and I always lose.  Or so, it feels.  Now, I know that nothing is that simple or black and white.  But, it doesn't change the fact that I still feel let down and disappointed.  Keeping in mind the whole time, of course, that the party is for my son and not for me.

The invitation was sent.  The only thing left to do is wait, and hope that I don't feel disappointed when all is said and done.  

Coming around the bend

I had a post sitting in my drafts for the last 2 months.  I wrote it whilst feeling very emotional and vulnerable.  I didn't feel, at the time, that I should post it.  However, after reading it again I decided to go ahead.  My feelings at the time were real and therefore valid.  If you are a follower--you will see a new post with an old date.

Some days are still as frustrating as I earlier described.  However, many of the days are actually becoming enjoyable.  I attribute the change to a handful of things.

The first is that Elliott seems to be growing out of his defiant stage (I should say temporarily shelving as I expect it to show up again sooner rather than later).  He is becoming more aware of the daily expectations--get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast (sitting down), go to preschool or some other activity, etc. 

He is also working very hard at adjusting to life as a sibling.  He clearly likes Spencer, but still has a hard time sharing time and/or toys with him.  He also can scarcely contain his enthusiasm and sheer joy that comes from pushing him over, or angrily ripping a toy from him hands.  I suspect that Elliott is asserting himself over Spencer because Spenc is low man on the totem pole (so to speak).  As such, I have been working on navigating the two of them more carefully.  I have also been working on the language I use when correcting the other, making sure to say things to both Elliott AND Spencer.  That has helped facilitate their relationship with one another, and if I handle it correctly it should make them closer over the long haul. 

In addition to the normal growth that occurs when a sibling is added--I too, have been growing and adjusting.  I have always felt proud of the fact that I was very patient and took the time to explain things to my child.  And then there were two...and all patience went out the window.  I am slowly, day by day, regaining some of that patience.

As I slowly take back more of my body (less nursing on a daily basis) and I start to get more solid chunks of sleep I find that I am more patient and less irritable.  Both of these things attribute to a more patient and nurturing parent.

Lastly, I am learning more about redirecting my anger as well as my children's.  I am also working on easing up on them--they ares still so little!  Elliott is 3 and 1/2 years old--but that is still small.  He needs reminders and more reminders.  He still needs me to swoop him up and kiss his owie.  He still lets me hold his hand when we cross the stress. 

And, these days I relish each opportunity.  I try and remind myself daily how lucky I am to be able to spend my days with my adorable boys.  Very lucky indeed. 

Is three a charm?

Up until 2 weeks before I got pregnant I never wanted children. When I was younger I would tell people I didn’t want kids. I didn’t babysit. There weren’t many babies or small children around while I was growing up. With the exception of my cousin who was born when I was in my early 20's all the other kids were my age.

When the hubby and I met I was still certain that I didn’t want kids. Then one day something inside of me changed. It was shortly after we got married that my inner clock started ticking. I tried to ignore it a first. But it wouldn’t be ignored.

After living together for several years, a good length engagement, and a wonderful year post marriage the hubby and I had a short, and I mean 5 minutes or less, conversation about if we should try and start a family.

2 short weeks later the pee stick said pregnant. I was in shock for my entire first trimester. I did not handle it well. We now have 2 awesome, gorgeous boys.

Most of my friends seem to be content and happy with one child. These days many folks start their families later. Some are less willing to give up their perceived freedom due to careers or simply the pragmatic choice of budgetary restraints and are therefore unable to stay home with their children and then, many people simply feel satisfied with one child (and some none) . Some decide on having two, but very few of our friends have decided that yet.

I am plagued.

I want a third child. Something in my heart is telling me that our family in not complete yet. There are so many reasons why a third baby would be impractical. We only live in a 2 bedroom house-1000 square feet people. 3 kids might put us over the edge financially. I might loose my mind with three kids. Where would the 3rd kiddo sit at our dinner table? Would we ever get invited anywhere again? When would we sleep again? Oh, and I would have to get pregnant again (I don’t love being pregnant, and my lady parts are still on the fritz).

There is also the global perspective and the planet to think of. It is really a good idea to populate our planet with more than ourselves as replacements? Am I being selfish wanting a third child when so many folks can’t even have one? Hubby has valid concerns too regarding how much time he would have to spend with each. Would he get the quality time with each of them that they needed? Would it be total chaos? Would we be able to give each of them the love that they needed. What would our house be like with 5 human beings living in it at all times. Plus a dog and a cat.

All things emotional and logical inside of me say yes.

The house logistics are simple. While I occasionally get depressed that our house is so small; most of the time I am content with our small, cozy quarters. I love the neighborhood, the centrality, and our yard. I know we could make it work. Moreover, I want to make it work. I like to be challenged. And living in this house is a challenge in terms of getting everything to fit. It forces me to think about things before I buy them. It also requires shared space which is a good lesson for everyone. It forces each person to respect the others space. Plus, we won’t live here forever, although the in-laws have lived in their home for 30-plus years. Hmm, we could always remodel-budget permitting.

We have the gear. I have the space in my vehicle. I know I have enough love (patience may be a bit short in the beginning and during the teenage years). I am not getting any younger and in many ways I want to be done with the childbearing part and move all my energy and focus to the childrearing phase.

I keep getting stuck in the comments of others. Am I crazy for wanting three? Will I put myself over the edge? Do I have the personality to handle three kids?

I still have plenty of time to ponder this idea since breastfeeding full time has warded off my period. But it is fun to think about. Unless we have a girl...then all bets are off.

Disneyland

We took our first of many trips to Disneyland and California Adventure.  

One of Elliott"s favorite rides.

This is how Spencer spent most of the trip.  

Striving for more or never satisfied?

It has been said, by several people including my husband and my best friend, that I am never satisfied.

I never took this as an insult.  In fact, I always approached it as a positive part of my personality.  I think that striving to be better, constantly wanting to improve on what you are, and working and looking towards future goals are all very admirable traits to possess.

I understand however that it isn't meant as a compliment.  What they are really saying is that I am never happy with what I have and I cant ever be satisfied or appreciate the present.  I am unable to stop, and be thankful.  I can rarely be present because I am too busy looking ahead. I focus on what still needs to be done and not what has already been accomplished.

There are several parts about this situation that are difficult to address. The first is the basic differences in world views.  How do you resolve something so ingrained in your personality with your spouse or loved ones? Being raised with HUGELY different parenting styles we both have traits and characteristics that compliment one another and also challenge one another.

My MIL is a role model for positive behavior.  She has a knack for speaking only positive things, for making the best of each situation and for never vocalizing the negative.   While it is often difficult to know how she really feels about something-it is very enjoyable and pleasant to spend time with her.  My Mother on the other hand, has a special ability to be honest and forthcoming.  She always speaks her mind and you know where you stand with her.  She doesn't often take things personally and has a tough skin.  Of course, her honesty is one sided, and can often hurt those who are more sensitive than she is.

So when resolving a marital issue--do you ask the other person to change (assuming that a person can change) and moreover is it fair to even ask them to?  Do you accept this as part of their personality or do you work towards a common goal or compromise and if so, how and what?

Is this simply about perspective which can be resolved with a word choice. Is this about manipulating the words to affect the desired result.  When you are comfortable speaking your mind, is it worth taking the few extra moments to pause and think about what you are going to say and how it will perceived; and potentially alter the phrasing.  Or is that compromising your true self to satisfy others who have more fragile personalities.

In disagreements where both sides feel they are justified --  who is 'right' and how do you decide?

All of these are subjective, I know.  Each relationship is unique and one can not possibly advise on how to resolve a situation like this for another person.  I realize that I am asking questions that can not be answered by any another except the parties involved.

I also realize that when our words are hurting people we love, regardless of how or why, that we need to alter the phrasing and delivery.

So, what I am asking is that you provide suggestions for how you 'make the best' of situations even if they aren't going as planned.  How do you see and vocalize the positive when the first thing you see is what is wrong, not what is right?  How do you keep your mouth shut when something goes wrong, and look on the bright side?  Is there a way to offer suggestions without sounding like you are criticizing the progress.  For the ladies--how do you power through hormonal periods of your life and still remain positive and upbeat?

I hope that like parenting, if my arsenal is full of suggestions and ideas, then I can be better prepared to handle the pitfalls challenges when they arise.    Being prepared is a good place to start.

Easter

We loved eating the ears off of our first chocolate bunny.  Thank you Grandma and Bobbotz!  The book was a huge success as well.

The Easter Bunny came and brought hot wheel-diggers and real diggers (kid sized yard tools)!

Dad and Elliott smiling before we leave for our Easter Egg hunt and brunch.  Looking fancy boys!

Elliott the Egg hunter.  

Budgeting for #2

I am a planner, I like to be prepared and I like to know what to expect.  All of this is sometimes to my detriment and the tragic loss of spontaneity and the sudden joy it can bring.

So, since discovering I was pregnant last Saturday (yippee!!!), I have been running through the list of things that will be changing with the arrival of a second child.  I have also been thinking about our budget and how we can survive with 2 children on one income.  Not to mention the challenges of 4 people in our 1000 square foot house, with 2 bedroom and 1 bathroom.  

I have been collecting unemployment since I lost my job in November.  I have been looking for a job, but suspect that my resume must be tainted or marked with a scarlet letter.  Since I graduated from college, I have only worked with mortgage banks, both large and small.  My last position was with a Mortgage Banking Software company and while not a bank or lender, I suspect prospective employers don't see the difference.  And for the record--not a single call back on my resume to date.  

My point is that I have only a few months of unemployment remaining, and then we are limited to one income.  I have posted many times about the long term cuts we have been making to household expenses.  But, we are going to have to make many more cuts in the near future or I would need to get a job.  

Our household expenses are pretty bare bones--mortgage, utilities, groceries, insurance, gas. But, there are still some areas that could use some trimming.  There are the (too) occasional family dinners out (usually at about $40-60 each).   There is my husbands love of IPA that can not be stopped ($10 per 6 pack!!!).   I occasionally meet former co-workers or friends for lunch ($10). Hubby and I usually go to our local coffee house on the weekends for a fancy latte and a pastry, and a milk for the tot ($10 each morning).  That is just to name a few of the monthly incidentals. that we feel we somehow have earned.  

So, my question to you Internet is--how do you wean yourself off of these luxuries without feeling deprived and somehow like you deserve these things, even though you don't have the long term budget for them?  It feels like I am on a diet all over again.  You know the feeling--as soon as you start a diet, you start feeling like you are missing out.  You are hungry even after you have finished your meal.  Will these things just naturally take care of themselves, as we add another member to our household?

And moreover, for those with more than one child--what should I expect as far as expenses? Diapers and Co-payments I know.  But, what else?  

My favorite gift ever

My sister had just gotten out of a drug and alcohol rehab.  I had offered her a place to stay after she graduated the program and she accepted.  I was so proud of her.  She had made such a mess out of her life, but had managed to get herself clean and sober.

I spent several weekends painting, cleaning, and making the 'room' special for her.  It wasn't much really, but it was hers and contrary to the rehab--she had a door and didn't have to share it (except when we needed to access the laundry area).

My sister has always been hard working, and high strung.  She didn't have a car, and back then I lived out in the boonies.  So, she would commute with me to my job in a mall.  She found a job working at a food service place, and moved up quickly.  The owner took a liking to her, and saw she had potential.  In short order, she saved up enough money to buy a car.  But, before she did the holidays were upon us.  We all were tight on cash, but she hadn't seen many people in our family for several years and she seemed to want to make a good impression.

But, being prideful, she wanted to buy her own gifts for the family.  We shopped around, and nothing seemed to fit the budget.  So, she decided to make her gifts.  She decided to make dream catchers for everyone.  Neither then nor now would I call myself a fan of dream catchers.  But, my sister made one for each member of our family, printed out a special message in each, and wrapped them up.  She once again had carved her own path.

This was and still is the most treasured gift I ever received.  The sacrifice, the heartfelt sincerity, the genuine love and purity behind the dream catcher makes it irreplaceable.  I still have it hanging in my bedroom window-12 years later.  

Each time my sister is struggling, each time she is contemplating a bad decision, each time I want to tell her how much I respect and admire her--I can show her the dream catcher and know that we share the same feelings and memories.  

The dream catcher symbolizes, for me, what the holidays are meant to feel like.  

A few months later, my sis saved up enough money to buy a car.  And shortly thereafter moved out.  We still talk at least once a week, and I will always love her unconditionally regardless of her decisions.

Dont cry over spoiled milk

The little man has had the stomach flu since Friday AM. Up until this point we were down to one nursing session a day; right before bed. However, since he has been sick he hasn't wanted to eat or drink anything. Getting him to drink water has been a struggle.

Friday night I was able to get him to nurse. However, Saturday night I offered the breast to him and looked at me like I was trying to poison him. Sunday morning the same thing. He actually pulled my shirt DOWN and wriggled away. Ouchy to the mommy ego. Sunday night I couldn't even pull the pacifier from his mouth.

During this time, I suggested to my hubby that I try on the other breast. I had been nursing on the same side/once a day for several months.

My hubby then said to me, in all seriousness-- Maybe your milk has spoiled.

Hmmm.

The Five Love Languages

I am slightly embarrassed to say that I have been skimming this book. I say skimming because I have been trying to avoid the religious underpinnings, and go straight for the meat. The gist is that there are 5 languages of love:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Hubby and I have identified our primary love languages. He is a #1 and I am a #4.

The idea is that by examining the way you and you partner display and understand love that you will be able to communicate your commitment and love to one another. What committed couple couldn't benefit, right?

Bear with me as I am processing this and trying to put it into action. It is a logical idea, but seems somewhat insincere because according to these 'rules' for me to understand love, my husband must show me acts of service. And for me to show hubby that I love him, I must show appreciation. It makes sense, but it seems like we will get stuck in a love vortex.

Part of the draw of this theory is that over the years hubby and I have had a couple of conversations (after we recovered from the argument portion) about how we don't feel loved by the other person. While expressing these feelings it often came down to hubby saying he needed more affirming and positive words. And me saying that I need him to show me love in his actions and commitment to the collective we. Hmm, interesting.

Now, extend this idea to family. If I feel loved by acts of service--then, it makes huge sense why I feel so let down by my family. If 2 love languages were allowed, I think Quality time and Acts of Service would just about sum it up. I have lived in SD for going on 6 years. Some of my family has never been to visit outside of major events like our marriage or the birth of our son (quality time) and they didn't take an active roll in helping at either event (acts of service). And maybe that is because they don't understand my love language, nor I theirs.

I have started to practice this idea with hubby. It feels weird for me. It isn't easy for me to express appreciation to hubby for doing things that I expect (like chores). Which is why it is so important for me to keep working on it. Because if hubby is doing all his chores as a way to make me happy, and I am not acknowledging him and showing him the love he needs then we aren't doing everything we can to make the other person happy. And that will not make either of us happy!

Outta shape

Can you say outta shape? I once ran a marathon--yup, 26.2 miles. This past weekend we went for a 2 mile walk/hike at Cabrillo Monument and I am still sore 2 days later. Pathetic. The take home message for me is that I need to be a healthy weight AND Fit. One can not function without the other.

Dear Nana

Dear Nana,

Thanks for the rad tank top from the motorcycle rally you attended a few weeks ago. I get many comments on the "my grandma's a biker and so am I" logo on the front. I thought you would get a kick out of this picture.

I love you.

Lil E

Family Challenge--results

Hubby and I won the family challenge-kinda. We lost the most weight-I lost 7 pounds, but we (and by we I mean hubby) forgot to bring the scale to his parents house.

This was a good thing for the other family members ** you know who you are ** that didnt lose any weight, or in some case may have gained some weight thanks to the Las Vegas buffets.

This was a personal test for me. Often times when a challenge arises I intentionally sabotage myself. I think the heart of the problem fear and the possibility of trying and failing. My flawed logic in my head is if I dont try-then I cant lose. But, if I do try and lose then I will feel bad about myself. So, just dont try and act like I dont care.

Well, this time I did try and I did care. And I won (in my mind anyway)! Yeah for me. Now, if only I would have collected on the $50 prize!!!

Family Challenge

The in-laws (Grandma, Bobbotz, SIL, BIL, and cousins) hubby and I all saw one another this past week. They came to town for a few days to visit and enjoy our wonderful town. We went to LegoLand, swam in the hotel pool, and overall just chilled out (most often with a cocktail).

As we were consuming food and drink the conversation kept coming back around to wanting to lose weight and be more healthful overall. I have struggled all of my adult life with managing my weight and consequently my self image.

When I was younger, I was thin and healthy. I didn't worry about my weight, although as a tween and teen I thought I was fat. What teenager doesn't, right? But, by the time I was out of the teens and into my twenties, I did have a weight problem. I didn't know how to eat in moderation, what foods were good for me, or how to eat a balanced diet. More importantly, I didn't know how to cook.

Looking back in time, I was likely 20 pounds overweight. When the diet drug fad hit, I jumped on the bandwagon! I lost all of my extra weight and then some... Not long after I lost the weight, the diet drugs I was on were banned, and the lbs crept back on. *sniffle*

When I moved in with my hubby, 5.5 years ago, I had been on Weight Watchers for a year or 2 and managed to lose 20 pounds. So, for me, I was at an all time (drug free) low. I was also running 10-20 miles a week. I ran a handful of 1/2 marathons, one full marathon and then decided to hang up my running shoes for a while. I had plantar faciatis in both feet and was tired of getting up at 5am on most weekends.

Hubby and I started to eat out-A LOT! We had a large monthly spending budget on the company credit card that was designated exclusively for entertainment. Whoo hoo! The 2 years of drinking and eating took their toll, and by the time I waddled down the isle on our wedding day I was the heaviest I had ever been.

A year later I managed to loose 15 pounds and was down to a reasonable weight. That was when I found out I was pregnant. During the course of my pregnancy I gained...wait for it...55 pounds. I stopped asking my weight at the doctors office and I certainly wasn't going to depress myself by stepping on the scale at home.

When I came home from the hospital I got on the scale and had only lost 6 lbs!!! My son weighed 8.1 lbs. The next several months consisted of non-stop breastfeeding and caring for a newborn--the pounds melted off. I ate anything I wanted and kept loosing weight. I am now at my lowest weight since my diet drug days.

The reason for this diatribe is to help me understand my eating habits and feelings about food. As well as to reveal my insecurities and reservations about food. I feel good right now and I want to make sure that I continue to eat good foods, that I can maintain my weight and most importantly I want to be certain that I am setting the best example I can for my son.

So, as a result of our debaucherous weekend we came up with this--

The Biggest Loser internal family challenge. Here's the rules (as created by hubby)...

1) Weigh in using the scale you plan to use on 8/9/08. Send your results via email to the group. There is no embarrassment and no cheating - we are family after all..

2) The winner will be determined by the combined percentage of body weight lost between now and 8/9/08. The winning family will receive $50 from each of the other two families for a combined $100 prize. Here is an example of what I am talking about.
- Assume hubby weighs 100 lbs. on 7/16/08 and loses 10lbs by 8/9/08. That would be 10% of my total body weight.
- Assume wifey weighs 50lbs and loses 10lbs by 8/9/008. That would be 20% of her total body weight.
- Combined, this would be 30% lost.
- Get it? Good.

3) Good luck out there. If you have any complaints or concerns, please feel free to put melted butter on them and eat away. It only helps out my cause. :)

We are all officially weighed in and ready to rumble. My hope is that I don't sabotage myself, as I often do when faced with competition. I suspect that I afraid of losing (no pun).

When Good Enough isnt enough

I am struggling. There I said it. I want to be a full time Mom. But, many days I still love my job. The days I don't love it however are out numbering the days that I do. And last week I actually cried because I was feeling ineffective and worthless. Yup, worthless. Not a good feeling for an employee who feels she is doing her absolute best to get the job done. Also not a good feeling for someone who has high standards and expects herself and others to live up to them.

I have been digesting all of the reasons I went back to work, and re-thinking them. Money, personal fulfilment, boredom, pride, not wanting to be a servant to my husband and kids, I could go on and on. But, you get the idea.

Hubby and I have been actively nesting our funds away, and slowly paying off all of our debt. We have finally freed ourselves from credit cards, student loans, car payments and all other revolving debt. What we are left with is a hefty house payment and household bills (gas, electric, water, cable, phone, groceries, fuel, pet food, etc.). The awesome part of all of this is that we could make it with hubby's income only. We would have to cut out all extras however. There would be a VERY small pad, and we would have to watch our spending. We would also have to learn how to budget better and have to learn how to say NO to outings, or at least set spending limits on them.

Hubby and I are terrible at saying No and even worse at setting limits. We often feel like we 'deserve' it, so we treat ourselves. We have made a commitment over the last couple of years to reign in our spending and have obviously done a good job. But, there is that last bit of frivolousness that we still enjoy and currently can afford. We would have to look at things in a new light, and allow ourselves a fresh perspective on frugal life.

I have been trying to look at this like a challenge to myself. At work I set goals. So, why not look at staying home like a goal--I challenge myself to stop spending money on things I don't need (I shouldn't need to stay home to accomplish this...but we all need goals). I challenge myself to accept and appreciate what I already have. I challenge myself to come up with new and creative ways to re-use the items I already have; give them a second (or third!) life. I challenge myself to learn how to shop, cook, and maintain a household on a slimmer budget.

This next month we are going to give it a test run. I am going to move my paycheck over to savings, and we are going to try and live off of just hubbys income. That will give us a feel for what it will be like. I will keep you posted on the results of the trial run.

I also want to use these challenges as a way to keep my mind working at problem solving. I worry that if I quit working that I will turn into a babling idiot who can only talk about her kids and poopy diapers. I want to ensure that I am challenging myself, keeping up on current events and aware of the world around me. I dont want to turn into the SAHM at the Mom's groups that I dont like.

We also want to have another baby. We have talked about it many times over the last 10 months, and are both so happy as parents that we don't see a reason to wait. If we space them close together they can play with one another, I can reuse many of their toys and baby items, they can share a room, and the time commitment needed will be condensed into a shorter overall commitment (of course it will be multiplied three fold in level of difficulty...but who factors that in). Plus, maybe we will want more than 2 children...maybe we will want 3. Hubby so NO WAY, but you never know. So, if we were to ever consider 3 kids, we should get a move on! I dont want to be categorized as 'elderly' in maternal age (they use this term when you are pregnant and over 35-can you believe that!!!).

So, here I am again. Deliberating my future. Except this time my future is the future of my children (is this wrong?); I am not even factoring in my career goals. They just don't seem to matter to me much anymore. I want to refocus my energy on my family, and I just cant seem to allow/permit myself to be good enough at both. I need to be great at one. I want to be great at one.

Forgotten images

I was reading this post, and it prompted me to remember that I wanted to post this photo.

I thought this photo was exceptionally telling of the family that Elliott is surrounded by. These were 3 jackets he received as holiday gifts from three different family members, expressing three very different styles.

Kugel

Every Thanksgiving my Granny would make a Kugel. I remember the smell of the kitchen while it was baking, the way it looked, and ummmh the way it tasted. But, my Granny must have cooked it from scratch, because I have never seen a recipe. I think I might have recreated it just right this year (my Granny passed away 10 years ago, and I have been trying every year since).

Mix all ingredients together:
2 small bags of Egg Noddles (cooked)
20 oz cottage cheese
20 oz sour cream
1 package of cream cheese (chopped up)
1/2 package of Velveeta (chopped)
raisins (golden are my preference)
3 beaten eggs
1 C Milk
Cinnamon and sugar to taste (the kugel should be slightly sweet)

Melt a few tablespoons of butter in a deep pan. Line the bottom with a light layer of crushed corn flakes. Poor Kugel in, crush corn flakes lightly on top.

Bake for 45-60 minutes at 375 degrees until golden brown and warm throughout. Allow time to set up and cool. Serve with meal.