The void

I have, for the first time in 5 years, free time.  Both of my sons are sleeping soundly and consistently.  We are into a fun routine that includes pre-school, sports and swimming as well as play dates and downtime. 

They both are able to dress themselves (at their own speed), though they don't!  They can vocalize their needs and often times help themselves.  And at the least, they can help me serve and prepare meals as I have put all of their dishes and cups at a height they can reach.

My wee lad is potty trained, and has recently started taking control of when he needs to use the toilet.  Which means, I don't need to remind him as often.  He even takes his own pull-up off first thing in the morning! 

They can access all of their toys and games, some select art supplies and books and magazines.  The backyard is available to them.  They play together most of the time in harmony ( I should whisper this, lest I jinx it).

This has brought about some new feelings for me.  As a Mom, who doesn't work outside of the home, I am not as depended on as I once was.  My older son will be starting Kindergarten in a few weeks, further freeing up my time.

I will soon have 3 short mornings a week where my younger son will be in pre-school and 5 days a week where my older son will be in school.  This is something I have looked forward to, however, now that it is upon me I am floundering.

What the hell am I going to do with all of this free time; all 12 hours a week?!?!  I will most certainly want to volunteer at my sons school.  I still love to exercise and workout.  I love reading.  But, I need a hobby.  Or two.

I want to love gardening.  But, honestly, I hate bugs and getting my hands dirty.  I also want to be more crafty-but whenever I am presented with free time, I never feel like crafting.  I also own a sewing machine and all of the sewing essentials.  But, again...i never sew. 

I have been reading a book, Women, Food and God.  It keeps saying that once we give up our obsession with dieting and food, that we can focus on the real problems in our lives.  She claims that if we focus on ourselves, that we will solve the emptiness that we so often fill with food. 

Perhaps if I had some hobbies that I loved I wouldn't feel the need to fill my voids with food?

Our New House

Pregnancy loss happens frequently.  There are tons of stats on-line that speak of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, often before you are even aware of begin pregnant.  And, while I am a very logical, rational person, nothing prepares you for the loss of your baby.

It is life altering.  It changed the way I thought in ways unimaginable.  It has affected my relationships with people and how they view their own pregnancies.  It changes the way I view myself and my reproductive capacity.  

When we discovered that we lost our baby, it was a sadness I had never in my life experienced.  It was a pain I had never known.  There was a pit in my stomach that was empty and vast.  It was a pain, that if left unattended, could sweep on into a dark abyss of depression.  

As time has worn on, I have healed.   I have allowed love and happiness back in and pushed the despair and sadness out.  I learned to appreciate my family with renewed intensity.  I felt lucky and grateful to have my boys, when so many families long to have just one healthy child.  

My husband felt like the miscarriage was the universes way of saying that we weren't meant to have this child.  I resented him for saying that.  I knew that science just didn't align.  But, I also felt a small sense of relief.  The pregnancy was wanted, the baby was very much wanted and loved.  But, the timing was all wrong.

We were living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1000 sq foot, 102 year old house.  We didn't have heat or A/C, we didn't have a driveway or attached garage, and we were always on top of each other.  I know that families make due with much less every.single.day.  And I would've made it work--but, it was beyond stressful with 2 small kids and the possibility of a 3rd on the way.  

In many ways the loss is what motivated our family to buy a bigger house.  We moved into our new house at the end of March.  It is more than 2 and a 1/2 times bigger than our previous house and totally upgraded.  4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, a wonderful kitchen and yard, with a massive attached garage.  We loved living in a small space--it forced us to be cozy, uber organized, and very conscience of our purchases and possessions.  But, the kids are so much happier having their own space.  The boys still share a room, and I hope they always will.  But, they can play in different rooms and spaces and not be right on top of one another.   The boys ages or this new space has had a very positive effect for everyone: we are all finally sleeping better! 

Kidding Around-5th Birthday

Dino Love

Spencer loves the Cozy Coupe

Pizza, Juice and Cake?

Yes, Please!

The closest thing we got to a family picture.  At least the Dino and I are smiling.

King of the party.

Attempt 50,001 of a group picture

50,002...and done!

Pregnancy Loss

June 15th would've been my due date with baby #3.  I had a 'missed miscarriage' in December.  

I knew I was pregnant on day one.  My morning sickness, in typical fashion, began on the first day of the 6th week.  I had my first prenatal appointment and ultrasound at 7 weeks and saw the babies heartbeat.    

For Thanksgiving weekend, we went to visit my hubby's BFF and his family in Santa Fe, NM.  The weekend was pleasant, and I was finally starting to feel better.  My morning sickness was not as bad as it was with my first two pregnancies.  I thought I was getting away with something.  I felt lucky, and thankful.

I had some very minor spotting, but not anything major.  I didn't fall.  I wasn't cramping and I didn't notice anything different.  Except that I was feeling better than I had with my other 2 pregnancies.

My doctors appointment was on my son's 2nd birthday, Monday November 28th.  It was an evening appointment, so the OB office was closed.  The midwife was nice, I had seen her once before.  She did another ultrasound since I was having some spotting.  She didn't find a heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing around 8 weeks 6 days.

I was so stunned.  I was alone.  Jeff called me on the cell to be sure everything was ok, as the appt. was taking a long time.  I could barely speak the words to him. 

We had a birthday dinner for Spencer and a cake.  

The next day, as the midwife instructed, I called to schedule a D&C.  If my body had expelled the 'contents of the pregnancy' on its own, I would have had a natural miscarriage.  But, since my body wasn't handling things on its own, I was encouraged to have surgical intervention.  I also could not bear the idea of having a dead baby inside of me.  There was a major miscommunication with the office staff and the surgical scheduler.  It took until Thursday for someone to call me back.  That was the longest 3 days E.V.E.R.  I spent the whole time crying and the most sad I have ever felt.  I was scheduled for pre-op Thursday afternoon, and surgery first things Friday morning.  

Since it was such short notice, we didn't have any coverage for the kids.  So, Jeff dropped me off for surgery and left with the kids.  The hospital staff and surgeon were amazing.  So sensitive and supportive.   I was under general anesthesia, so I don't have any memory of the procedure.  

It was a difficult recovery.  Both emotionally and physically.  There was a point where I knew that if didn't get off the couch RIGHT THEN, that I was going to slip into a major depression.  Having to put away the maternity clothes that I had just taken out of the garage and washed.  Having to cancel my baby center subscription.  Getting my period back.  Putting aside the idea that our little house was soon going to be welcoming a baby.  But mostly coming to terms with not being pregnant any more.  Once day I was happily expecting my 3rd baby, and the next day my baby was dead and I wasn't pregnant. Slowly, we shared the news with our friends and family.  I had to tell all of my Stroller Strides Mama's.  I even had to tell some people that I wasn't expecting (friends from the park, or playgroups).  

Sharing was an interesting experience.  I am not a private or secretive person.  But, sharing something so deeply personal was beyond difficult.  For some people it seemed harder for them to hear, than it was for me to talk about.  For a few people, I was a way to bond over shared experiences.  And for most they were very supportive.       

It has been 6 months, and I feel better, almost recovered.  I don't know if I can ever go through that again, but I am trying to move on.

Day 1, third time around

I wrote this post on the day I discovered I was pregnant for the third time (approx. Aug 2011).  I was so nervous about the positive test result that I made myself sick.  I wanted to capture my feelings that day so that I could remember them.  Here they are:

Today is day 28.  For those who know about menstrual cycles and luteal phases and pregnancy tracking you will know what I mean.

I didn't get my period today.  I was bitchy and short according to my loving husband.

What I got instead is that gross taste in my mouth--the one that tastes like you have dry mouth combined with bad breath.  About a week ago I also got heartburn, and it hasn't let up.  I haven't had heartburn like this since I was pregnant.  Ouch!  I also woke up in the middle of the night last night, sat straight up in bed and walked to the kitchen for a drink of water and a snack.  Odd.

So, this morning, when I still didn't have any cramps or any period symptoms (discharge, purging of the digestive system, etc.), I took a pregnancy test.  

And it was positive.  Holy shit.