Thursday, May 3, 2007

Distorted Self Image

Last night my girlfriend and I went to the 20th Anniversary screening of Dirty Dancing. What a great time I had--the nostalgia, the romance, the ideology of that movie. **big SIGH** I never saw this movie on the Big Screen, so it was great to see Patrick Swayze's tight butt, as large as my head, sashaying around in tight black pants, all the while shirtless. Thrills come easy for me these days.

On a different note, and I am going to write more about my discovery soon. I was informed by two people that I love and trust within 24 hours of one another that I am negative, and sometimes I am a downer to be around. Oh, and that I complain ALOT.

Now, I never thought about myself as negative (sarcastic-YES!). I categorized myself as vocal, but with a positive, proactive spin. And I do voice my woes outwardly (I am acutely sensitive to aches, pains, and bodily changes), yet they hardly ever prohibit me from living my life. They are more just out there, for people to know about. Not that anyone needs to do anything about them, or feel bad, or respond in some way.

I guess the part that is getting me, is that I never SAW myself this way. Over the last few days, I have been pondering these statements, thinking about my interactions and relationships with others, and thinking about typical responses...and I just don't see it.

So, that could mean a few of things (let me know if I missed anything here):
  1. I am totally unaware of my actions and how they effect others
  2. I am disconnected from reality
  3. I have a distorted self image
  4. I am misunderstood
  5. These people are just wrong

For now, I am going to soak it in, think about it, ponder, and of course be terribly insecure about my friendships and the image I am portraying. I will keep you posted on my efforts, and my inner most findings. (heeelllllloooooooo--hopefully someone from inside my cavernous empty heart will respond, and it will have a positive spin).

Oh, one last thing...does sarcasm equate to negative? Cause if so, I can stop searching the pits of my being for other answers.

2 comments:

xtimu said...

wow, kinda heavy but interesting that two people who love and respect you so much that they can honestly share their impression of you with you. (for whats it's worth that's not my impression of you, but again all we have are our perspectives and experiences of others and the world). i too am going through a similar type of introspection. i recently had the realization that i am not that nice of a person to strangers when i get irritated or impatient, which happens easily, i can be a 'bitch on wheels'. some external stimuli caused the self-reflection, but here i am considering my effect on others. holding the mirror up to your actions and behaviors is cause for growth. if you were causing these people pain, being more gentle and caring will only help make the world a better place.

And yes, sarcasm can be negative.

tali said...

For what it's worth, I think your self-awareness is greater than many folks, and I think you have simply been caught off-guard. I would not describe you as negative AT ALL. I would describe you more as serious. Your sarcasm doesn't strike me as negative, I usually find it illuminating and accurate. But you are always quick to smile and laugh. You have an inner warmth and light that draws people to you. So I don't think any of numbers 1-5 are accurate. And at the risk of offending, I dare say perhaps these two have . . . oversimplied . . . matters.