It is life altering. It changed the way I thought in ways unimaginable. It has affected my relationships with people and how they view their own pregnancies. It changes the way I view myself and my reproductive capacity.
When we discovered that we lost our baby, it was a sadness I had never in my life experienced. It was a pain I had never known. There was a pit in my stomach that was empty and vast. It was a pain, that if left unattended, could sweep on into a dark abyss of depression.
As time has worn on, I have healed. I have allowed love and happiness back in and pushed the despair and sadness out. I learned to appreciate my family with renewed intensity. I felt lucky and grateful to have my boys, when so many families long to have just one healthy child.
My husband felt like the miscarriage was the universes way of saying that we weren't meant to have this child. I resented him for saying that. I knew that science just didn't align. But, I also felt a small sense of relief. The pregnancy was wanted, the baby was very much wanted and loved. But, the timing was all wrong.
We were living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1000 sq foot, 102 year old house. We didn't have heat or A/C, we didn't have a driveway or attached garage, and we were always on top of each other. I know that families make due with much less every.single.day. And I would've made it work--but, it was beyond stressful with 2 small kids and the possibility of a 3rd on the way.
In many ways the loss is what motivated our family to buy a bigger house. We moved into our new house at the end of March. It is more than 2 and a 1/2 times bigger than our previous house and totally upgraded. 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bathrooms, a wonderful kitchen and yard, with a massive attached garage. We loved living in a small space--it forced us to be cozy, uber organized, and very conscience of our purchases and possessions. But, the kids are so much happier having their own space. The boys still share a room, and I hope they always will. But, they can play in different rooms and spaces and not be right on top of one another. The boys ages or this new space has had a very positive effect for everyone: we are all finally sleeping better!