Embarking on the 3rd trimester

This pregnancy is by far my happiest one.  The second trimester was actually enjoyable!  I have loved my growing baby belly.  I adore feeling my daughter move around inside my belly.  In fact, I actually miss the feeling after my babes are born.  And to know that this is my last time feeling it leaves me a bit heartbroken.  A bittersweet ending. 

However, I have now embarked on the 3rd...and things are getting typical.  I am 30 weeks and 4 days and starting to feel it.  Sciatica, RLS, bouts of insomnia, PELVIC PRESSURE!, back aches.  All normal things for this stage of pregnancy, I know.  But coming off a symptom free 2nd trimester makes all of these annoyances that much more annoying :)

The heartburn is being managed by meds.  I am on a heavy anti-constipation regimen made up of stool softeners, mira-lax, natures calm, green smoothies, exercise, and the occasional cup of smooth move tea.  The hemorrhoids are at bay for now.  But that surely wont last!

2 tests confirmed it.

*Hyper Emotional
*Heartburn
*Terrible taste in my mouth
*Fatigue
*Restless Leg Syndrome
*No PMS or sweet cravings around when my period was due
*Constipation (yes, already)

Yup, I am 4 weeks pregnant.  2 positive tests confirmed it.  

Yippee!!!  Due date is 11-29-09

Period.

As many of you know, we are wanting another child.  **if this is already TMI--you are advised to stop reading now**  I had my IUD removed in April of last year, and after some waiting and regulating --I regained my period.  We have been without birth control from several months, and I havent conceived yet. 

With Elliott, I got pregnant the first month we tried.  Quite a shock, really.  We only talked about having a baby for a week or two, and the next thing we knew the pee stick was positive.  Talk about a shocker.

I thought that it would be easy to get pregnant again.  But, it has taken more time than I thought.  And, I have a hard time waiting for things, hate surprises, and want things to happen NOW.  So, you can imagine that my frustration level is high.  To make matters worse--my cycle is all out of whack.  This month I ovulated early, and got my period after only 21 days.  Darn you mother nature.

I have been exceptionally tired the last 2 or 3 nights.   And along with being impatient and tired--I am also a worrier.  Naturally I started wondering what could be wrong with me.  Did something happen during my C-section and now I am unable to conceive.  Of course, nothing is physically wrong with me, but I discovered something interesting.

You can break a woman's menstrual cycle into 2 parts--the first part being different for all women. And, the second part beginning on the day of ovulation.  It is in this second half we are all similar. From the time you ovulate until you start you period is 12-16 days*.  This is according to the FAM method book I am re-reading (since I apparently didn't read it thoroughly enough  the first time around).  

This is an awesome discovery for me, as it allows me to identify exactly when I will get my period each month so long as I track the day I ovulate (which also explains why my cycle is so short this month).  It will also tell me how many days each cycle will be.  You may be wondering why I don't already know this being a mature woman of 34 (advanced maternal age in OB speak)!!!!  Well, since I have been on birth control my whole life; I never needed to track my cycle since it was chemically regulated.  

Lets hope that this awesome discovery will help me get knocked up this month!  Yeah for biology.

*as with all things in nature there are occasional exceptions

parenting has its struggles

There has been so much on my mind lately that I cant keep up with the mind race.
The state of the economy is my primary worry. But, so many other things are swirling around in my brain.

I am trying to keep up with all of the blogs I read. And I am especially moved by 2pinklines recent posts. Please visit and send her a heartfelt cyber hug. Sometimes life dishes out bounty and love in divided and complicated ways.

I have been trying to get pregnant for several months. I keep trying to convince myself that when it happens--that I will realize that the time was perfect. And until then...the time just wasn't right. But, every month that passes where I am not pregnant is small, temporary blow to my psyche. My personalty is such that--once I get something in my mind, there is not a way for me to let it go. I get fixated on the results, blinded often. Waiting for something like a positive pregnancy test month after month is not something that digests well with me. It doesn't fit into my "I want it now" mindset. It does force me to be patient, to trust the universe, and to keep looking towards the future. Darn you- logical mind.

I spoke with a girlfriend yesterday who has a new baby and was reminded of how steep the learning curve was in the early months and continues to be. My girlfriend was worried that her baby wasn't sleeping as much as she should (all her other friends infants sleep longer or through the night), she was worried about her milk supply (was she producing enough, is her baby eating enough), about all of the decisions and responsibilities you inherit with parenthood. All of the normal new parent worries couched with a lack of sleep and impaired decision making abilities as a result. The part that made me the most sad was that as Mom's we should be supporting other Mom's, we should be helping them, we should be closer and more accepting. I am saddened by how often new moms are uncertain of themselves (myself as the primary example). It feels like we lack a fundamental piece in the parenting equation--confidence. I don't know if this is something that is inherent in people who grow up around babies and younger siblings or if you just need to grow into your roll as a parent. What I hang onto is advise that a good friend of mine gave me that went something like this--The great part about parenting is that if you are informed and your decisions are made with love—there are no wrong ones for you or your family. If only we could all digest and live this in the early months.

I love having farm fresh produce delivered to my door!

This weeks delivery includes the following vegetables and fruit! I cant wait until it arrives!!!
Avocado, red potatoes, medley of summer squash, beans or cucumbers or corn, radishes or turnips, chives or basil, Seabreeze salad with edible flowers, leeks, Valencia oranges, tat soi or purslane and bouquet of flowers.
Grapes, grapefruit, peaches, Fuji apples and fresh picked and frozen mulberries.

Organic produce

I finally did it! I signed up for CSA, and my first delivery comes next Thursday. Woot!

Sad and odd world news

This morning on NPR I heard this...

Global food issues

With all of the horrible events that are happening worldwide--the cost of food both stateside and abroad-the number of people in need of basic supplies (food, clean water, medical aide)--the cost of oil and gasoline...it has got me thinking.

Why do we ship food from the US to regions in need? Why dont we buy the food closer to the area that needs it? We can save on the cost to ship it, we can help to stimulate local economies, and it will be food closer the diet of the region.

I realize that this often isnt possible with regions that are suffering from draught--where crops and food are simply scarce or similar events. But, in some areas it is possible. We just dont do it that I can tell.

So, it really has me wondering and thinking. If you have any insight or thoughts, please dont hestiate to share.

Homemade Household Products

I want to start making my own household cleaners. I have been doing some sole searching (I want to be a full time Mom) and budget searching (in order to justify the loss in income, we would have to save money elsewhere) and have decided that household cleaners are just way to expensive. Many are also toxic to humans and animals, not to mention destructive to our environment.

So, I am going to test out my creative (and chemistry) skills. If anyone has any suggestions, advise or recipe's--please let me know! From the research I have conducted thus far, it is a simple as this ingredient list. I will keep you posted.

Food, Sleep and Closure

When I went into Labor on 6-30-07 at 8:30am, I got a pretty good night sleep the previous night. That is to say that I sleep on the couch, in the upright position for a few hours at a time. In between the 2-4 hour bouts of rest, I was up and around the house. Usually thirsty, or having to use the bathroom. But, occasionally just wandering around the house, or reading. The last months of pregnancy were like this.

I have said in previous ruminations that this was a prep for parenthood, or so I thought while I was pregnant. What I wasn't prepared for were the hours and days immediately following the birth of my son. From the time I went into Labor on Saturday until I left the hospital on Wednesday July 4th, I slept about 15 hours in total.

Saturday night while I labored, I of course didn't sleep. My husband and my Doula took turns taking cat naps (which I barely noticed). I delivered on Sunday evening, and was put on Percoset, and moved to L&D to recover. That night and subsequent day, I couldn't sleep and barely noticed the difference between day and night. I was so afraid that if I closed my eyes my son would stop breathing or choke to death on his lung fluid (when you have a c-section, even when you labor first, the child doesn't fully benefit from traveling down the birth canal and getting the fluid squeezed out of their lungs, in the same way). Every little noise he made had me up, checking on him. This was coupled with the nurses coming in every 2 hours for stats, and every 4 hours for meds, housekeeping, food service (see below), and my doctors and the pediatricians. My doc started rounds at 5am, and I was apparently first on the list. Oh, and since UCSD is a teaching hospital, you see a student and a doc--2 separate visits.

Since I had a C-section, I couldn't co-sleep with Elliott as I had planned and he in turn slept in a little plexi-glass crib next to my bed. The inability to co-sleep was due to a variety of valid, although frustrating reasons. The first was that I was on pain meds, the second was the bed was sooooo small, and the third is that I could barely move without assistance (the surgery, the IV, the catheter...). Had I delivered him vaginally in the Birth Center, both baby and husband all can sleep together. They have normal beds (not mechanical hospital beds), that are Queen size. They encourage baby and Mom to sleep together. UCSD is also a baby friendly hospital, and as such they don't have a nursery. If you need to take a break from your baby, you can ask the nurses to watch them. At this point they will wheel them into the nurses station and keep an eye on them in there. I never opted for this.

I ate lunch on Saturday, at the Bar Mitvah. But, the remainder of the day I just wasn't that hungry. Maybe it was nerves due to wondering if this was "IT", or not. The evening only brought nausea and lack of appeal for anything food related. I did manage to eat a few lolli-pops and a bite of fruit. But, mostly I was thirsty and drank a ton of water. By the time Sunday afternoon rolled around and my labor had basically slowed to a snails pace, I was hungry! However, since I was going into surgery...there would be no food for me.

I wasn't allowed to eat on Sunday night, nor Monday. All they gave me beginning with lunch was liquids. Broth, jello and juice. Plus, vicodin, gas pills and stool softeners. Yummy!

By the time I was allowed to eat, and I was begging the nurses for food by this point (sometime on Tuesday)-the meal that the food service people brought in was mostly wheat products (lasagna, a dinner roll, etc.), of which I am allergic. So, I was foiled again.

How are you supposed to function/parent/nurture on so little sleep, without food, and all doped up on meds? It seems counter intuitive to me. There are a lot of things about pregnancy and labor that are backwards in my opinion. Let me give a few examples.

When you get pregnant, usually you take a home pregnancy test to confirm. And if you are like me, I knew on day one of my missed period. Once you confirm, you are sooo excited (lets assume this is a planned pregnancy), that the first thing you do is schedule a doctors appointment. If you have an HMO, they wont schedule your first appointment until you are somewhere around 8-10 weeks along. Now, isn't the first trimester the most critical as it relates to development of the baby? Why would you leave a newly pregnant person on their own, without advise or guidance during the most sensitive part of their pregnancy?

The second situation/example is during your post-partum period. Since I had a c-section, I spent 3 nights after the birth in the hospital (although they wanted to release me on the 2nd night, I declined). They removed my staples (13 of them), on the third day, and gave me instructions for caring for my incision. They also instruct you to schedule your follow up appointment for 6 weeks later. Now, I just had major abdominal surgery and a baby...wouldn't you want to see me sooner than 6 weeks? Apparently not.

The sleep has improved since I have been home. And I suspect we are faring well compared to some. Elliott on most nights, sleeps from 9-12 or 1, eats, and then sleeps again from 1-4 or 5 am. Then he eats again, and occasionally will sleep again from 6 to 7:30am. Although, when we are struggling with the let down problem, he is less likely to sleep for such long periods, and is awake for longer time periods in between. So far I am OK with the sleep patterns, and feel good most days. I can see how the lack of sleep can be impossible to handle, especially if you have more than one child, or have to go back to work sooner rather than later, or don't have a lot of help or support from your spouse.

Well, after all of that typing...I am not sure what the summation of my thoughts are. But, I wanted to share what was on my mind anyway. I am all for closure, but for this post, there is no closure... to my dismay.

The tightrope

I often feel bitter about the fact that women bear the brunt of the 'burden' of child rearing (please don't read this as regret or anger towards my son or my decision to have children). From their conception, we as women are limited in our activities (food restrictions, medication, alcohol), our mobility (exercise, movement, sleep), our consumption, and our freedom. After the pregnancy, we are further tied to them via breastfeeding, diaper changes and the endless soothing and nurturing that is required. Later we are bound by morality and lessons, school schedules, and play dates.

In a moment of frustration and bitterness at my husbands freedom to do whatever he wanted (he spent the majority of the day on the computer working, and the evening watching baseball--although in all fairness he did take the dog to get washed), but get nothing done (I asked for a couple of simple tasks-my honey-do list was small and had carried over from several days ago). I asked him for one day to sit with me, and not move every time I had to breastfeed. I wanted him to know what it felt like to be constrained (perhaps he would be less frustrated when I asked him for something). He basically laughed in my face, and said no. Just as well. Who would get me water if he was tied to the couch too. But, then again who is going to get me water come Monday when he is back at work?

I do not want to imply that I these things aren't done willingly or with love for my son. I just want to bring to light the great amount of sacrifice and selflessness that it takes to be a good mother. I wonder with all that we give up, why it is also accompanied by such vast amounts of guilt and grief.

Are we giving enough time to our child, did we handle that situation correctly, could I have done something different, given more, shown more patience, love, or guidance...The list is endless and the guilt never ending for some. It is a tight rope to walk, and unless we all find balance both in parenting and in our marriages, we are bound to fall.

Who gives to Mom's? Who makes sure we are alright? Who nurtures us? Who takes care of us when we are sick, or sad, or lonely? I am working the details out now, and hopefully will be able to find my balance soon.

Is this it?

Whoo hoo, I lost my mucous plug today. It hasnt been exactly like I expected, as it has been expelling gradually over the last few hours. It was similar in consistency to the very sticky cervical fluid that monthly was an indicator of when I was ovulating.

On top of that, this morning I started having contractions shortly thereafter, and that was at about 8:30am. They have been consistent through out the day. I will keep you posted as they continue and let you know if they stop. So far they are about 30 seconds long and 3 minutes apart. They are manageable, although uncomfortable. My lower back is sore, but my spirits are high!

More details later, and as they come!

38 week appointment

Yesterday Hubby and I attended our 38 week appointment. We met yet another midwife in the clan o'midwives. There are 12 or so, and they all rotate on clinical duty and with being on call. I think so far I have met 4 of them during my 4 month tenure at the birth center. My regular appointment was moved from Friday AM to Wednesday PM, and the gal I was seeing on Friday mornings is now out on maternity leave. And then next week due to the holiday, we move to Tuesday and will likely meet yet another (a fifth) midwife. In a way I wish I didn't meet them in advance, since any one of them could catch Elliott when he is born-depending on their on call rotation. Meeting them in advance has allowed me to form opinions about each one, and being as judgemental and opinionated as I am.... in my head I have already made my like and dislike list. Had I not met them, I wouldn't have any pre-existing biases or preferences towards them.

The appointment was kinda odd, as this midwife offered unsolicited advice, and it was kinda out of left field. Luckily, I had a couple of questions based on random paranoia of my own for her.

• I wanted to know if she could judge his size at this stage. I am starting to worry that he is going to be to big, and I am not going to be able to birth him. She said she could, but never told me and I forgot to ask, as I got caught up with the other questions.
• I also wanted to know if he was going to keep on growing, as I don't feel like I can get any bigger and still move around. She said yes, he would continue to grow...and yes, so would I. Damn it.
• I have been getting sharp shooting pains in my breasts, and assumed that it was a sure fire sign that something was starting to brew. She confirmed that yes, that was likely a sign that my milk or pre-milk at this stage was beginning. And assured my all was well.
• Lastly, I wanted to confirm that I had enough amniotic fluid. For some reason, I am all of a sudden paranoid about this. I think that it stems from several things. The first is that the birth class gives you all of these random things to look out for, and one of them is when you water breaks at the top, and just slowly trickles out. A lot of women don't realize their bag of waters has broken...and infection, etc. can occur. They give you some acronym to check for...but I forgot what it was-COAT I think (color, odor, appearance and time...?) The second wave of paranoia is that I am excessively thirsty (I asked last week if this was common, and the midwife said yes) and don't feel like I have to pee as much as I consume. So, I was all wrapped up in the idea that maybe I was so thirsty because I was loosing amniotic fluid, and needed all the liquid I was drinking to replace and replenish Elliott's supply. The last reason I started to get worried is that when I move into certain positions, I can actually hear and feel the fluid displace in my upper torso. Imagine you are in the bath tub leaning back, and you go to move or sit up, and then water moves from the back side of you to the front. It kinda feels like that. Phew, after all of that worry-everything is fine there too. She prodded my belly, and squished him around and confirmed that he had plenty of fluid.

I asked what the next couple of weeks held as far as setting expectations for my appointments. I asked if I would be having any vaginal exams (I haven't had one since I have been with the birth center-my only one was my initial exam at 9-10 weeks with my previous OB) or other tests. She said that they will continue with weekly appointments for the next 2 weeks, weight, BP, make sure the baby is head down and his heart rate is normal. Then on week 41 if I am still pregnant, they will want to see me 2 times a week to perform the non-stress tests. Then at 42 weeks, we can start discussing other options. She said that they do not perform any vaginal exams until after 41 weeks because they are invasive and unless there is worry-unnecessary. She also said that they are also uncomfortable for the mother, and tend to get a women's hopes up with out being based on any definitive data. She said that regardless of how effaced or dilated you are-that at any time you can go into labor...so it instills a false sense of hope.

For me, all is well. The appointment was fine-BP is normal, a small bit of swelling but nothing major, Elliott's HR is good, he is still head down and in position. I stopped looking at the scale, partly because I cant see it from my vantage point, partly because if there was an issue I am sure I would have heard about it, and mostly because it just serves to depress me (and why would I want to stress over my weight, when there will be plenty of time for scrutiny and self doubt after the delivery!). *Laugh*

Mobility is limited and energy levels are low. But, my attitude is good and I am 90% ready to have this baby. I still have a few more things to get settled (make sure my disability paperwork was completed and sent, finish packing my bag for the hospital, and do a final pass at cleaning the house), but if I went into labor right now, I would be happy.

Lessons-day 5

I am going to use Friday as a lesson that all good things come to those who work for them. Saturday started out a bit rocky but turned out great. Sunday was awesome too. I felt great both days. I think that my 'cleanse' made some room in my stomach for Elliott, and he has finally begun his slow decent into my pelvis. He is dropping!!! There is a noticeable visual difference in the shape of my tummy. I can breathe easier, move around easier and best yet...i think I might be able to sleep lying down in the bed again (for those of you unaware, I have been sleeping propped up on ladybug pillow in Elliott's room).

The lightening has left me feeling a bit apprehensive about the inevitable of course, but what can you do! Just wait...

We meet with a prospective nanny yesterday. She has been nannying for a close friend of ours for 1.5 years, and they love her. However, they are going to need her less after the fall, and that is perfect timing for us to pick up her hours. After a bit of a rocky start, we finally arranged to meet with her for an interview yesterday. She doesn't have any experience with newborns, and it seems that our friend has taught her most of what she knows about kids (aside from some classes in school and family obligations as it relates to watching kids). But, she seems very loving and willing to raise and handle the upbringing of our son however we direct her to. She realizes that we are the parents, and looks at herself as more of a helper than anything. The hours would work out for everyone, and she is in our price range (although at the very top). All of this assumes that I will be able to take a day off a week when I return to work after maternity leave. Hubby will be taking a day and half off from work to be at home with Elliott as well.

I crossed a couple of things off of the to-do list over the past few days.

• Instead of buying a new bathrobe, I sewed belt loops onto my existing one
• I printed out the pictures for Elliott's baby book
• I bought a nursing tank top for the hospital (since I have no idea what size bra I currently am or will be after my milk comes in)

I love checking things off of the to-do list!

Day 2

I thought last night would be as good as any to take my first dose of milk of magnesia since becoming pregnant. The recommended dose is 2-4 caplets at bed time with a full glass of water. I decided to take 3 just to be safe. Well, I awoke 3 times last night with severe cramps and a belly ache.

But, on target this morning the digestive track cleared all things...and then has keep clearing all day. I am also severely nauseated (which to me is the WORST feeling in the world-I would rather throw up 100 times than be nauseous) and cranky. I even had to cancel my lunch plans. I haven't gone anywhere for fear of being too far from the restroom (and I feel like shit...how fitting). You would think that i would be grateful to have rid myself of this burden, but alas....I am an ungrateful wench, and wish it wouldn't have come with a day of belly aching pain and suffering. Welcome to my negative side-where negativity, ungrateful behavior and bitterness prevail.

On a side note, I read last week about a voluntary recall of Thomas the Train toys My nephew is in love with Thomas and Friends, so I sent the info to my sister-in-law. Well, apparently it has become more serious. Click here for the NPR story.

Day 1

Today was my first day off from work. I have to report that not working is relaxing. However, I do feel a bit frustrated by my lack of ability to complete tasks due either to the basic lack of energy, mobility or both.

Last night was spent with a friend of a friend. Hubby's best friend was in the peace corp. for 3 years, and in the process met his wife and some cool peeps. One of them was the chap we had dinner with last night.

He lives in Texas, but was out on SD for a work related conference. He sent us notification that he would be in town, and asked if we wanted to get together for drinks and or dinner, which we happily accepted.

We picked him up at the convention center, took a leisurely drive around town, and then decided on a fancy Mexican joint in Old Town (hubby picked the place, in spite of my resistance). The meal was nice, the company enjoyable and the weather was wonderful. We all came back to the house, and I checked email and played on the computer, while the boys built a fire in the backyard and chatted over a 6 pack of beer.

I dropped him off this AM, as hubby had an early work day this AM. I got a few chores done, and then went to Target to purchase a few necessities (Tums, Milk of Magnesia, x-large maxi pads for my hospital bag post-delivery) and return some unwanted items.

My girlfriend (who is out of work currently) came over, and we broke out my sewing machine. Gave it an inspection (this will be her maiden voyage), and set a date for tomorrow to purchase some fabric for what I hope is a very simple purse. If anyone is interested in a sewing date-we have one tentatively scheduled for Saturday during the day. BYOSM (bring your own sewing machine).

37 week check-up

I am officially full term in my pregnancy (as of yesterday). While it would be better for Elliott to bake a little while longer and gather some additional fat stores (which if he is like his Mommy-that shouldn't be ANY problem)...if I did have him today he would be developmentally fine!

I went to the Midwife for my now weekly visit and all is well. My TB test was negative, my Group Beta Strep test was negative (yeah, no antibiotics post delivery), I (for once) didn't gain any weight, my belly is measuring at 38.5 inches, and Elliott's heart rate is a steady 130. Only light swelling, and my BP is normal. I am a model citizen! Apparently week 37 is when they talk to you about post-pregnancy contraception. She basically said-no matter if you are breast feeding full time or not, that if we don't want to worry about a subsequent pregnancy after Elliott is born, to use protection every time we have sex. I told her about the great experience I had being on Depo Provera for 4 plus years and she suggested an IUD (with hormones), so I need to look into that.

Today, is also my last day of work. It was a busy day with 4 plus hours of training and therefore very little time for regret or reflection. Everyone keeps referring to my maternity leave as a vacation. Which, I keep reminding them is not really correct. Since, part of the reason I am not working is because of the overwhelming amount of discomfort I am in. I am trying not to be resentful at the inference.

I also have a long 'to do' list of things I need to get done while I am out on leave:

• Pack my hospital bag
• pack Elliott's diaper bag
• pick an outfit for him to wear on his journey home
• finish organizing his dresser and room
• get my car seat tested at the fire dept. or wherever they do that
• file my disability paperwork
• print out the pictures I want to include in his baby book
• write a letter to him to include in his baby book
• Buy a couple of nursing bra's
• buy a new bathrobe (for the hospital)
• depending on my energy level-go to the dinner studio and prepare some meals to help after the baby is here
• finish reading the birth books that are on my list
• sterilize my breast pump and accessories
• figure out how the Diaper Genie works (how can it be so complicated...?)
• make sure i have the paperwork ready to sign Elliott up on my insurance (there is a 30 day window)
• interview the pediatrician
• decide on a birth control method
• look into WW for after the baby arrives, and find out the protocol for nursing mom's
• Check on the classes offered at the hospital, enroll if any sound beneficial
• Get paperwork, insurance docs, medical file, etc. ready for the hospital bag
• get email/phone list prepared for when I go into Labor

I think that is it for now. I will add more items to the list as needed!

Maternity Leave here I come!

Maternity Leave here I come-06-18-2007, originally uploaded by darwinsgirl.

A quick belly shot picture.

9 months

I think I figured it out. I got a great night sleep last night, and feel really good today. But, I am just tired. I think I only have a set amount of energy these days, and work is zapping all of it. That is leaving me feeling drained and empty when I get home. Which leaves me resentful and stressed out knowing all of the other things I still have to get done.

So, Friday at my next Midwife appointment (where I will be almost 37 weeks)-I am going to ask her to write me out. If she wont write me out, I am going to ask her to write me out part-time and then ask her again next Friday to write me out for the remainder.

I don't feel guilty anymore. I just feel tired, and that is totally justified.

I am ready for maternity leave

I am currently struggling with myself and my abilities. I am at home today, and not at work where i should be (or should i?). Therein lies my dilemma. If I feel like I am ready for maternity leave, will I be letting my boss, employer, husband or self down? Am I being weak, and a whiner?

Today marks my 36th week of being pregnant, and starting about half way through last week- I started to feel pretty run down. I don't mean like I am getting a cold, or something like that. I mean-I am starting to really feel this pregnancy. My boss starting asking me last week, on daily basis when I thought I would be going out of leave (as if i can just set the date and go-I tried that and he shot that idea down). He is obviously worried about the transition, who will train our clients while I am out, and the like. But, inversely-he has known about my pregnancy almost as long as I have-and has had plenty of time to prepare.

Let me list of some of my complaints, hopefully it will make me feel better, and in my attempt to feel better through venting, perhaps win you over to my side.

• Elliott's favorite place in my womb is tucked nicely under my rib cage. I don't mean just a foot either. I mean him whole body is nestled in there. This of course, means that I can not look over my shoulder when driving, I cant sit up straight or lean forward, nor can I breathe or eat with ease. It is also triggering painful BH. This position is especially comfortable for my son when I try to sleep lying down (like in bed). I have been sleeping on the couch, sitting up for the last few nights( which also helps with my chronic acid reflux and heartburn-a bonus).
• The lack of sleep hasn't affected me too much up until this point. I didn't have any energy loss during the first 2 trimesters, and always managed to get enough rest and not feel too tired. Well, apparently those days (and nights) are over. I am now fatigued just as a matter of daily practice. So fatigue along with lack of sleep is a double whammy for me. And it is starting to grade on my patience and my nerves, as well as my energy levels.
• Since my lack of restful nights, I am having increasing trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I rack my brain thinking about all of the lies and ways I can get out of going to work. But, do I really need to burden myself with this? I am 'sick' and am entitled to time off if I don't feel well, for whatever reason, right?
• I cant go to the bathroom (number 2). I have taken all of the midwives advise-eat a bowl of oatmeal with prunes every day. Take a DHA supplement, take a magnesium supplement. Walk or get exercise. Drink 8-10 glasses of water every day (what pregnant person who works full time can actually do this, although god knows I try). In addition to this daily regimen, I also eat a high fiber diet loaded with fruits and veggies. As a last ditch effort, I take a Colace or two every few days....but nothing seems to help.
• Which brings me to my next problem that is triggered in part by the previous one...hemorrhoids. Yup, I have them. And from what I hear, they will only get worse with a vaginal birth. Yippee! Sitting for 8 plus hours a day at work doesn't make them feel any better either.
• Now this one is more superficial than anything...but, I have gained 40 odd pounds since the day I conceived (feelings regarding this is a post all on its own-which I will spare you). And even maternity clothes are uncomfortable. Is it OK for me to wear sweat pants everywhere? And when do I draw the line between comfort and just plain trashy.
• Of course, there is my waddle. Now, I know that this happens to most pregnant women. It is inevitable, or so I hear. But, it is also unsightly and quite uncomfortable. I am grateful my body is releasing chemicals to aide and help in childbirth, trust me I am. But, try to get out of bed from a dead sleep, with an extremely full bladder, trying not to grunt and wake your husband-and make it to the bathroom before your sleep inertia wears off and you up for the next 1-2 hours. I look like a sumo wrestler when I first stand up, legs with a wide stance, trying not to put pressure on my back and throw that out of alignment. Then the wide leg walk/waddle to the RR starts. My legs, hips and lower back are so unstable I feel like I just ran a marathon.
• Swelling on my left foot and ankle is a new thing. Although the more appropriate term would be cankle. And my plantar fasciitis is acting up (with the increased weight, lack of good shoes that fit, and swelling-no doubt).

I don't want to complain too much, and scare any prospective parents to be off. I also realize that the 9th and final month is the last push, before the real pushing begins. So, I also want to mention some of the things I am grateful about, and feel joyous not to have-

Backaches, I only get them occasionally. I have a very supportive, loving and helpful husband. Sick days-I have a few saved up. A comfortable couch. I don't have to work right now, since we managed to put a few bucks in the bank to prepare for this event. I got my first official stretchmark only yesterday (although my sister said she could see it in a photo from 2 weeks ago...but, she also told me I was fat-so I ignored most of what she said after that).

So, after all of that-here is my problem. I don't want to be at work anymore. I am too tired, and when I am there I don't have any strength left to do my household chores at home. But, I feel guilty about mentioning all of these reasons to my midwife, and asking her to write me out. But, I am 9 months pregnant, and working full time, and tired.

I feel silly complaining about this to you, my midwife, my husband, my boss, and my friends. But, I need to take my health and feelings seriously and not let my own inner guilt and drive push me beyond what I comfortable with. But, I also don't want to be perceived as wimpy and weak. On the inverse, my Doula said that I should take this time to rest, and that if stress from work is causing me worry -to go on leave. She said that women who worry and don't relax are more prone to late babies because you haven't given their bodies a chance to relax and prepare for the birth.

I have my next appointment on Friday, and have a busy schedule at work this week. So, I have a few days to decide how to proceed (and by then I will be 37 weeks). Any suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated and carefully considered prior to Friday.