This is my stop!

I have a long standing inside joke that there would come a time when I will jump off the fashion and music trains. I would always make mental notes of women who had reached a certain point in their lives where they no longer made fashion, music, CD's and shopping a priority. I always looked at these women and secretly thought that it only happened when you were 'older'.

Well, I think this is my stop. Apparently I am now ready to disembark. I stopped listening to the radio. My car stereo is permanently programmed to KPBS. I don't carry a CD book in my car any longer. I used to find a day at the mall (alone) relaxing. Now I dread going to the mall. I no longer like shopping for clothes or shoes. I just don't find it as enjoyable as i once did. I prefer to handle my shopping from the comfort of my office chair and my browsing is done on the web.

This has long term repercussions of course on my wardrobe. I am comfortable wearing the same clothes again and again. I don't care as much about how I look, or how I am perceived. I have resigned myself to listening to the music that my hubby picks out. I couldn't locate a particular CD or Album to save my life. I listen to whatever he puts on my laptop. Perhaps this is a function of maturity. Maybe I have finally become a grown up. *YUCK*

Spread the word

I often say that our children aren't allowed to have toys at home. And as often as I espouse such ridiculous statements, I get looks of disbelief from family and friends.

I don't really mean our kids literally cant have toys. But, I do want to limit the amount of toys, plastic, junk, and meaningless consumerism that comes with having children. I have already resigned myself to being a poor example of environmental awareness by opting for disposable diapers. I have tried to make up for the guilt of littering our landfills by gratefully accepting a ton of hand-me-down clothes, shoes, hats, and baby accoutrement's from loving friends (which I am more than thrilled about).

What I want our generous family to adopt is the long term idea that I want to create memories, and not clutter. That it is more about the time that is put into something, than the money that is spent. This doesn't mean that I am not 100% appreciative for everything that they do and share with us. But, I would much rather share a great collective memory than possess an item of material wealth.

I want to share this philosophy with my children too. I want them to appreciate the time that a family member spends with them, a special outing that they go on, a trip to the zoo just 'Grandma and I', or a handmade item. I want them to realize that the most important things in life are the relationships you create and nurture, the trust that you build and the love that is exchanged between friends and family.

I hope that I will be able to articulate this to our loved ones, without hurting any feelings or ego's.

Moving foward

I pondered and thought deeply about what my friends said, and I have decided that if I am perceived as negative, a downer and a complainer...well then so be it. I am not mad, or disappointed, or angry. I am thankful that they were able to be honest with me.

People make choices all the time about how they want to spend their time, and who they want to spend it with. If they choose to spend their time with me, well then, they are going to hear about my aches and pains. They are also going to hear about a lot of other really cool stuff. They can decide if it is worth their time to listen to a few complaints every so often. I am a constantly evolving person, I work hard to be aware of my shortcomings, and strive daily to become a better person. You take the good with the bad (as they say).

A large component of friendship is loving the other person unconditionally. This is a difficult concept for many people. To love a spouse or a family member like this is hard enough, but to love a friend like this is often impossible. As I get older, I find making friends increasingly more difficult, and dedicating and spending quality time with my close friends even harder. However, I value the friendships that I have, I work at making sure my friends know how much I value them, and I try to be a good friend in return. I try to love those that are part of my inner circle unconditionally. I hope that my friends will try to do the same for me. But, if they cant-I will forgive them for being unable to and hope that they can either move on, or love me the way I am.

Distorted Self Image

Last night my girlfriend and I went to the 20th Anniversary screening of Dirty Dancing. What a great time I had--the nostalgia, the romance, the ideology of that movie. **big SIGH** I never saw this movie on the Big Screen, so it was great to see Patrick Swayze's tight butt, as large as my head, sashaying around in tight black pants, all the while shirtless. Thrills come easy for me these days.

On a different note, and I am going to write more about my discovery soon. I was informed by two people that I love and trust within 24 hours of one another that I am negative, and sometimes I am a downer to be around. Oh, and that I complain ALOT.

Now, I never thought about myself as negative (sarcastic-YES!). I categorized myself as vocal, but with a positive, proactive spin. And I do voice my woes outwardly (I am acutely sensitive to aches, pains, and bodily changes), yet they hardly ever prohibit me from living my life. They are more just out there, for people to know about. Not that anyone needs to do anything about them, or feel bad, or respond in some way.

I guess the part that is getting me, is that I never SAW myself this way. Over the last few days, I have been pondering these statements, thinking about my interactions and relationships with others, and thinking about typical responses...and I just don't see it.

So, that could mean a few of things (let me know if I missed anything here):

1. I am totally unaware of my actions and how they effect others
2. I am disconnected from reality
3. I have a distorted self image
4. I am misunderstood
5. These people are just wrong

For now, I am going to soak it in, think about it, ponder, and of course be terribly insecure about my friendships and the image I am portraying. I will keep you posted on my efforts, and my inner most findings. (heeelllllloooooooo--hopefully someone from inside my cavernous empty heart will respond, and it will have a positive spin).

Oh, one last thing...does sarcasm equate to negative? Cause if so, I can stop searching the pits of my being for other answers.

The countdown has begun

Me and Hubby start our birth class tonight. I am a little nervous, not about the class content though. I am nervous because if we are starting the birth class, that means the birth is getting closer, and Elliott's arrival is just that much more real! Up until this point, I realized his birth was eminent, but still far off. While he is safely nestled in my tummy, it is only partly real. I can still deny the fact that I am going to be a mother, that I am going to have a son. Once he is here, there is NO denying it. A mix of excitement and a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety. Whoo hoo for new things!!!