Welcome to the preschool

Last night was the first night that Spencer slept most of the night in his crib.  We put him down at 7pm, he woke at 10:30pm for a feed, then went back to sleep until 4:30am.  Not only is the sleeping in the crib a big deal, but the amount of sleep without waking or needing a feed is a record.  Needless to say--I was a happy Mommy this morning.  Too bad Spencer doesn't mimic the sentiment.

2 weeks ago he broke ground on his first tooth, and last week a second one popped up.  Ever since then, my sweet and smiley son has been replaced with a whiney, fussy one.

There has been a lot of practice crawling and pre-crawling activity but nothing that is clearly real crawling.  He can more around the room though by lunging and spinning on his tummy and occasionally rolling over (something he doesn't prefer).  I have no less than 15 video's on my phone of him almost crawling.  I am not rushing it since I know that he will be a handful when he does become mobile.  But, I want him to start crawling simply because he is so frustrated by his inability to move!

On the food front, Spencer has started to take a more active interest in eating.  He doesn't care for fruits as much as savory baby foods.  His favorite jarred food is the organic rice and lentils.  But his top pick is any food he can eat with his own hands--puffs, cheerios, bread pieces, crackers and veggie's.  He will tolerate banana chunks and raspberries if he is in the right mood.

Elliott celebrated his 3rd birthday!  My little boy is now officially categorized as a Pre-schooler.  Sniffle, sniffle.  We had a small party is his Grandparent's house the last weekend in June for him.  We also celebrated by taking him to dinner on his official birth date and we celebrate while we were on our staycation with my in-laws July 4th week.

That is Elliott pointing out the fact that I did NOT light all of the candles.  In the midst of singing we had to stop, re-light the candles and start again.  I love that kid.  And of course, eating the enormous cupcake.

Elliott always enjoys spending time with his cousins, who are 6 and 8 years old.  There is a natural bond between them that seems to allow them to play together with very little fighting.  Elliott tries to keep up with the 8 year old, and is always exhausted by the end of the day.  As a result of trying to keep up he has to push himself and his physical limits, lest he be left behind!  By the end of the visit he has increased his independence and his self confidence and I have learned to let go just a wee-bit more--a win-win for everyone!

In other big news, we enrolled Elliott in preschool.  He has been going to the same home-based daycare since he was 6 months old and we now feel he is ready for a change.  It has been a huge decision for us since we LOVE the situation he is in now.  But, there were several factors that influenced our decision.  One was that it was 15 miles from our house.  Another is the space factor.  We wanted him to be able to run around and be more independent.  We also want him to start a small amount of structured learning.  He knows his ABC's by site, he can count to 15 and knows his numbers by site to ten.  He knows colors, shapes and speaks clearly.  Unless it is the "l" sound which comes out sounding the same as a "w' sound...  We believe in kids being kids as long as possible, but we also think that learning can be fun.  And since kids are little sponges that now is the perfect time to solidify the fun of discovering new things, ideas and concepts.  Lastly, the preschool we chose is close to our home and is very reasonably priced.

And that brings everyone up to date with the goings on of the wee ones.  As for the grown-ups in the house--the hubby is working and stressing like crazy.  We are both torn between wanting a bigger house and fixing up this one.  We have been house browsing on the weekends, and of course, everyone house I look at that is bigger than ours is 'the perfect house'.  And then we come home, and talk about our house and fall in love with it all over again.  And so it begins.

Sloooow down already!

My sweet little baby...

You are growing and developing so fast.  Last week you mastered your abdominal muscles and began sitting up, and this week you are already practice crawling.  It is adorable to watch you grunt and groan whilst you slowing push yourself up onto your hands and knees.  Then slowly, ever so proud of yourself, you rock back and forth.  Elliott was 11 months old when he first crawled.  How different these boys are!

It will only be a short time until you are moving about the house.  Terrorizing areas that your older brother still has not discovered.

And then...we are all in trouble.  I can sense that your calm, happy personality is a simple disguise.  Underneath it all you are dead set on the things you want.  You smile and laugh at me all the while reaching for things over my shoulder that should be out of your grasp.  You never loose an opportunity to grasp for things in your reach and even slightly beyond.  

You have THE loudest voice.  I am certain that it was specifically crafted to ensure that I dont ever let you cry it out.  It is particularly shrill and piercing when you dont like what is being done to you (putting you to sleep, putting you down when you want to be carried or picked up, or forcibly removing you from my breast because you like to gnaw and clamp down on it).

You have an infectious smile and laugh, and LOVE it when kids or adults are right up in your grill.  The more activity that is going on, the happier you are.  When it is just you and I at home--you are bored and cranky.

At your 6 month appointment you were still getting over a nasty bout of Herpangina.  As such you hadn't eaten well in several days.  So, you dropped from the 90% for weight down to the 50%.  It was heartbreaking to hear the doctor sound concerned about the shift from one arch on the growth graph to a lower arch.  You are still tall at 27 1/2 inches (75%).  18 pounds 8 ounces isn't anything to worry about, but it is smaller than your brother at this age.

I have been trying to feed you solids for more than a month now, and you have little interest in them.  You will eat several bites.  Then gag down a few more.  Then refuse to eat more than that.  You have eaten banana, avocado, sweet potatoes, peas, apples, pears, rice and lentils.  Fruit seems to be your least favorite and rice cereal your top pick.  As soon as your get some teeth we can expand your diet a bit more too.

It is bittersweet watching my baby grow and develop.  I love you sweet boy.

6 months and many lessons

6 months.

Yesterday marked 6 months since Spencer's birth.

6 months since my vagina was intact.  Yes, we are talking about it again.  Vagina, Vagina, Vagina.

I have been forced to alter my life to accommodate my new physical limitations.  I had to suspend my Stroller Strides membership because I couldn't walk without major pain, let alone run.  I could no longer stand for extended periods of time.  I couldn't sit cross-legged, on uneven or hard surfaces any longer.  Wearing tight fitting clothes was out, and let's face it now that I have had 2 kids--all my clothes are tight fitting...

The first doctor visit was 10 or so days post delivery.  I felt like something wasn't healing right.  She said I was rushing it and to take it easy.

The second visit was for my 6 week follow up.  Again, I noted the pain and discomfort.  The GYN said take it easy.  Sometimes healing takes a while.  The pain was likely a result of the prolapse.  Come back in 4-6 months for a follow up.

During the last few months I have made adjustments.  I have been in almost constant discomfort in one way or another.  I have lost sleep over not being able to have anymore kids because of the pain.  I have contemplated surgery even though I wouldn't be able to pick up my kids for 6 weeks or more.  I have cried.  But, mostly I have been silent.  I shared on this blog and with a few people.  But, mostly I have been silent about it since that is what you are supposed to do.

You aren't supposed to talk about your vagina.

Yesterday, I went to a specialist whose emphasis is in pelvic floor disorders.  He took one look at me and was shocked.  He couldn't believe that I hadn't been diagnosed before.  He was shocked that I went so long without treatment.  He said that most of my discomfort could be eliminated with a procedure he could do right now.  He couldn't guarantee that one treatment would eliminate the problem but he was certain that it would make me feel better than I felt.

He said my prolapse was normal.  He said I could have 10 more kids if I wanted.

I started to cry.  My legs in stirrups - spreadeagled and I was crying.  The nurse put her hand on my leg and brought me the box of tissues.  I was that girl.

I felt so relieved.  A painless application of silver nitrate and I was good to go.  If I wasn't healed in 2 weeks to make another appointment.

I also felt stupid.  And angry.  And silly.  I endured 6 months of pain and silent embarrassment when all I needed was some silver nitrate and a competent doctor.

Exuberant granulation tissue.

All of this isn't to say that I am 100% healed.  I still have a minor prolapse.  And I may still need an office visit to surgically remove the extra tissue.  But, I already feel better today both knowing the true cause of my pain and knowing that it can be treated.

Lessons learned-  Trust my body.  Trust my instincts.  Trust myself.   Don't blindly trust doctors.  Don't be ashamed of my body--broken or not.

Is three a charm?

Up until 2 weeks before I got pregnant I never wanted children. When I was younger I would tell people I didn’t want kids. I didn’t babysit. There weren’t many babies or small children around while I was growing up. With the exception of my cousin who was born when I was in my early 20's all the other kids were my age.

When the hubby and I met I was still certain that I didn’t want kids. Then one day something inside of me changed. It was shortly after we got married that my inner clock started ticking. I tried to ignore it a first. But it wouldn’t be ignored.

After living together for several years, a good length engagement, and a wonderful year post marriage the hubby and I had a short, and I mean 5 minutes or less, conversation about if we should try and start a family.

2 short weeks later the pee stick said pregnant. I was in shock for my entire first trimester. I did not handle it well. We now have 2 awesome, gorgeous boys.

Most of my friends seem to be content and happy with one child. These days many folks start their families later. Some are less willing to give up their perceived freedom due to careers or simply the pragmatic choice of budgetary restraints and are therefore unable to stay home with their children and then, many people simply feel satisfied with one child (and some none) . Some decide on having two, but very few of our friends have decided that yet.

I am plagued.

I want a third child. Something in my heart is telling me that our family in not complete yet. There are so many reasons why a third baby would be impractical. We only live in a 2 bedroom house-1000 square feet people. 3 kids might put us over the edge financially. I might loose my mind with three kids. Where would the 3rd kiddo sit at our dinner table? Would we ever get invited anywhere again? When would we sleep again? Oh, and I would have to get pregnant again (I don’t love being pregnant, and my lady parts are still on the fritz).

There is also the global perspective and the planet to think of. It is really a good idea to populate our planet with more than ourselves as replacements? Am I being selfish wanting a third child when so many folks can’t even have one? Hubby has valid concerns too regarding how much time he would have to spend with each. Would he get the quality time with each of them that they needed? Would it be total chaos? Would we be able to give each of them the love that they needed. What would our house be like with 5 human beings living in it at all times. Plus a dog and a cat.

All things emotional and logical inside of me say yes.

The house logistics are simple. While I occasionally get depressed that our house is so small; most of the time I am content with our small, cozy quarters. I love the neighborhood, the centrality, and our yard. I know we could make it work. Moreover, I want to make it work. I like to be challenged. And living in this house is a challenge in terms of getting everything to fit. It forces me to think about things before I buy them. It also requires shared space which is a good lesson for everyone. It forces each person to respect the others space. Plus, we won’t live here forever, although the in-laws have lived in their home for 30-plus years. Hmm, we could always remodel-budget permitting.

We have the gear. I have the space in my vehicle. I know I have enough love (patience may be a bit short in the beginning and during the teenage years). I am not getting any younger and in many ways I want to be done with the childbearing part and move all my energy and focus to the childrearing phase.

I keep getting stuck in the comments of others. Am I crazy for wanting three? Will I put myself over the edge? Do I have the personality to handle three kids?

I still have plenty of time to ponder this idea since breastfeeding full time has warded off my period. But it is fun to think about. Unless we have a girl...then all bets are off.

Confession of an angry Mom

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away I had a problem with anger. I would get angry quick and unexpectedly. I would often over react and yell; many times saying things i regretted or didn't mean. Yes, I know you are thinking that everyone does this occasionally. And, yes, I agree. But, it would happen to me frequently and the rage associated with it was so unexpected that I deemed it a problem.

I put an end to a few bad relationships, reassessed my self-worth and finished college. After college I sought to eliminate the anger. I bought a book about anger management and realized that anger was a secondary emotion. It was the reaction to feelings about something else. Hmm, for me, at the time, that was enlightening. I also determined that I had what was called sudden anger. I learned some techniques, including blogging as a way to share my feelings and sort out my thoughts. The anger subsided, and I became a calmer, happier person.

However, in the last few months it seems that the anger has crept back into my life. My once rational, calm, reasonable demeanor is now short tempered, hot headed and worse yet...irrational. Arrgghhh.

I have been thinking and analyzing the reasons for my feelings and the cause of my anger. I have come up with this. And like it or not, these are my feelings.

Most of the anger i have been feeling is towards my children. In particular my older child. He is a good, kind kid. But, I realized that I was taking him to seriously. Especially when he would tell me no, or say he didn't like me, or just outright disobey something I asked him. Uh, hello, he is a 2 year old. Of course he is going to test his boundaries and limits. Especially with his new found confidence from swim lessons.

The thing that made me the most angry was when he would take a toy away from his younger brother or try to hurt him. I soon realized that the reason this made me so angry was because I was erroneously thinking he was doing it maliciously or on purpose. Of course, he is not even 3 years old and doesn't yet have the ability to be mean like that. Once I was able to wrap my head around that, I stopped reacting so over the top.

I am glad that I took the time to look deeper into my actions and feelings and find a way to communicate with my children in a more effective and productive manner.